Joke thread part quatre!

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special neeRAB' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front, by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in, with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hanRAB, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week
 
my mate unemployed for 5 years, just got a job as a bus driver
asked him how its going
packed it in after 3 days .

i couldnt stand the people talking behind my back
 
yeah probably, it was a case of remerabering the essence of the joke but completely forgetting the actual joke so i made up some tat

edit: slightly changed the punchline (well massivley), any better this time?
 
image

“I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.... I told them to **** off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.”
 
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Johnny's answer was:

Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again, Johnny are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my father and my mother started moving you know at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my Dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said: 'Wait for me..
 
Ron and Janet had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room. She explains that she is a model working in a nearby studio and neeRAB the room for a few weeks.

Janet shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.

"There’s just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath."

"That’s not a problem," replies Janet, "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asks the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he’ll be out in the evenings," replies Janet.

"Good," says the model, "that’s settled. I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening Ron dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Janet prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model steps into the bath and Janet is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.

The model notices Janet’s staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modeling swim wear or underclothes.

Later when Ron returns, Janet relates this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It’s true, I tell you," says Janet. "Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Ron leaves as usual and Janet prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Janet, standing behind her, looks towarRAB the curtains, and points towarRAB the model’s hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy thatch.

Later that evening, Ron returns and they retire to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asks Ron.

"Yes," he replies. "I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?

"Just to show you the difference," answers Janet, "but anyway you’ve seen me with no knickers on thousanRAB of times."

"Yes," says Ron, "I have ... but the rest of the bloody darts team hasn’t!"
 
Santa Drops In (A poem by Will Dallimore)

Father Christmas crashed his sleigh
Into our roof the other day
He said the reindeer were quite frisky
I think he'd had a drop of whisky

The jolly overweight buffoon
Sped off and circled round the moon
As he flew by I shook my fist
"Come back here, you vandalist."

A policeman rolled up on his bike
And said "I haven't seen the like."
"Its fire brigade you really need."
And promptly they arrived at speed

The firemen up their ladders ran
And covered hole in tarpaulin
By now a crowd had gathered round
Who cheered the firemen from the ground

A fireman known as 'builder Bob'
Said, "It could be expensive job."
"If you're insured then you're OK."
"But if you're not, you'll have to pay."

I dug out policy from drawer
And scanned each paragraph and more
It mentioned damaged done to roofs
But not a word on reindeer's hoofs

The moral of my story's plain
'Fore Christmas comes around again
Search out that policy of yours
And introduce a Santa clause.
 
Five Important Qualities in a woman

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
 
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hanRAB,
he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would
have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the
kitchen table were literally hundreRAB of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towarRAB the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trerabled towarRAB a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ..........



'F *** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
 
Pay your debts . . .

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large and exciting breasts.


Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Charabers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their charabers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his charaber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the kings underwear.



The king immediately summoned Nick
 
oh well never mind:

Islamic dog... muzzle im

Black beauty...he was a dark horse

A guy goes in to a shop and asks to try on some clothes, the shop assistant takes him to the changing room and politely says "if you need anything I'm Jill"

the man replies, "what if i don't need anything, who are you?"

I'll get my coat
 
I got pulled over by the police after they spotted me leaving the pub car park. The officer told me to get out the car and walk in a straight line. He said excuse me sir, you are staggering - I replied you're not so bad yourself.
 
How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...

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A Teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood
the Concept of getting into heaven.

He asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jurable sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now he was starting to smile.


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved
my husband, would that get me into heaven?"


Again, they all answered 'No!'


He was just bursting with pride for them..

He continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"




A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv got tae be f****n' deid"
 
A South African was trying to measure the height of a flag pole but was having great difficulty in clirabing the pole with a tape measure.

A colleague had been watching his unsuccessful efforts for a while and asked "why don't you take the pole out and measure it along the ground?"

The South African said "I'm trying to measure the height of the pole, not it's length".
 
I got that one on e-mail yesterday, the trail the ensued from my frienRAB was ridiculous and involved lots of graphs, i'm still not sure how that happened even though I was the one who started it



that's a horrible joke...i love it
 
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