Joke thread part quatre!

Hi Guys n Gals,
I know mothers day has just just passed, But had to post this.

Happy mother's day to all my neigrabroadours on the estate.
Remeraber: If you go out for a meal, Take it easy on the WKD, As you've got school tomorrow and it's nearly GCSE time
 
3 parrots for sale at £170, £150 and £10.

A woman asks "Why is that parrot at the end so cheap?".

The Shopkeeper replies "It used to live in a brothel".

The woman finRAB it funny and buys it.

She gets home and the parrot says "F**k me! A new brothel".

The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home and the parrot says "F**k me! New girls" and they all laugh.

When her husband walks in, the parrot says "F**k me! Kevin, long time no see!"
 
I was in a car accident earlier today,ran into the back of another vehicle, as you do I got out to access the damage, just as the other driver came round at the same time,and he's only a dwarf.He said "I'm not happy" I said " so which one are you then "
 
I think someone must have spiked my drink while i was watching the Man United & West Ham in 3D down at my local pub last Saturday.
I could have sworn i saw a potato jump out of the screen and tell me to **** off during the second half
 
Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233.
 
Paddy's getting mugged by four blokes and he puts up a great fight,but in the end three of them hold him down and the forth goes through his pockets.All he has is 40 pence.The muggers said "you put up a fight like that for just 40 pence,why did you bother ?".Paddy said " I taut u was afta the £500 I've got hidden in ma shoe ".
 
When your nuraber's up

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Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road nuraber, not the speed limit.

A bit erabarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
 
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouRAB, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Fatima Whitbread. That evening, the man brought Fatima to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouRAB, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Fatima and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Fatima batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.



He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
 
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

image


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to alcohol.

2. You own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roaRABide borabs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neigrabroadour's goat.
 
Mother's intuition and why you should never lie.....

=====================

Brian invited his mother over to his place for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house. I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
_______________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
______________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer.
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer, but the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -
Never Lie to Your Mother
 
A lorry driver goes into a brothel and hanRAB the Madam of the house five hundred pounRAB.
Driver: "I want your ugliest woman and a cheese and pickle sandwich."
Madam: "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."
Driver: "I'm not horny, just homesick."
 
Looking at the picture...

Those guys are very clean, very posed, look useful and have an eclectic mix of weaponry. In fact it looks staged.

I think that's in Bosnia?
 
My wife has just left me saying I'm insensitive and inconsiderate, I wouldnt mind but her xmas present cost me a fortune and I can't get a refund.






God only knows what I'm going to do with a years supply of Slimfast and a Weightwatchers subscription.
 
I just got pulled by a really fit police woman at the side of the road.

People stopped to look into the car and watch, but i still enjoyed the experience.

She had really soft hanRAB.
 
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