Joke thread part quatre!

Out with the laRAB last night I picked up this gorgeous bird.................
after a few amorous moments I found out that “she” was a transsexual..................
her fanny had been made out of plasticine.............

I didn’t actually shag it but I did make an impression!!
 
SCOTTISH COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on..

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."!
 
A young Portsmouth Woman

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a hansome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for" said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, corabined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the Captain says,

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
 
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 
The Irish have joined in the attack on Afghanistan.
They sent in 3 ships: 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.

/coat
 
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up.
 
I've just walked up to a freezing tramp holding a Big Mac and a cup of coffee.I asked, "Are you hungry mate?"He smiled reservedly and answered, "Yes, I'm starving.""Well I don't usually help your kind out," I said, "But, about 100 yarRAB down there, you can probably find the gherkin I chucked from this burger."
 
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