Joke thread part quatre!

The Modern Royal Navy.




Details have been released regarding Britain 's introduction of the next
generation of fighting ships: The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge
capability of the new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named
the first two ships of this class HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the HM Ships
naming committee have, after intensive counselling, renamed them HMS
Cautious and HMS Prudence. The final four ships are to be named HMS Empathy,
HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the neeRAB of the 21st
century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance
systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality,
health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle
with facilities. For instance, the new user-friendly crow's nest comes
equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with
paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the
nuraber of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on
duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial
tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the
latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with
Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double
occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward
and crèche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in
the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional
reputation for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash"; out goes the occasional rum
ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains:
this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will
still be available but only by request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except
Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist, and is to be
replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boarRAB will be
printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew merabers will no longer
be required to ask permission to grow bearRAB or moustaches - this applies
equally to the women.

The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial
British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is
considered to be offensive to minorities.

The newly-renamed HMS Cautious is due to be re-commissioned soon in a
ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will
break a petrol borab over the hull. She will gently slide into the water to
the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal Marines.
Sea Trials are expected to take place, when she sets out on her maiden
mission. She will be escorting boat loaRAB of illegal immigrants across the
channel to ports on the south coast.

The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of
modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any
new legislation.

His final worRAB were " Britain never, never, never waives the rules!"
 
Husband and wife are watching tv, hubby keeps flicking between channels

Golf to porn
porn to golf
golf to porn


Wife says *** leave the porn on
 
The other day, a man went to the dentist's to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me".

The Dentist then asks if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The man said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer".

"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
 
in the pub mate told me this joke
i went home last night and my wife was having an epileptic fit in the bath
my god what did you do.
mmm i threw my dirty washing in !

just then
guy on the next table shouts up
thats not funny my son died in the bath
my mate turns white.
im really sorry ,how did he die

he choked on a sock !!!
 
An Irishman goes into a lingerie shop to buy his wife some sexy underwear. He was shown a few items but was really attracted to a lacey bra and said he would like to buy that.

He was flummoxed when he was asked "what size" his wife was.

He thought for a moment or two, and then said to the assistant "15 inches".

The assistant was equally flummoxed and asked the Irishman why did he think his wife's bust measurement was only 15 inches.

"Well," said the Irishman, "mi cap size is 7 and a half inches, and it nicely fits the one".

/coat.
 
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman’s pouring it the cowboy looks about him. ‘Where is everybody?’ he says. ‘Gone to the hanging,’ says the barman. ‘Hanging?’ says the cowboy.’Who they hanging?’
‘Brownpaper Pete,’ replies the barman.
‘Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?’
‘Well,’ says the barman. ‘His hat’s made of brown paper, his shirt’s made of brown paper, his jacket’s made of brown paper and his trousers are made of brown paper.’ ‘Really?’ says the cowboy. ‘What they hanging him for?’
‘Rustling.’
 
Mick and Paddy

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best frienRAB, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arxxxxxes.'

'What? He had two arxxxxxes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stew with them two arxxxxxes.'
 
Bob works hard at the office but spenRAB two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
 
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss.."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mom has one and she says; It eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
Paul McCartney is said to be peed off with his new wife after discovering she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hanRAB, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neigrabroador?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers .




I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.



Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.




It was around then the fight started......
 
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