SlippersInHandcuffss
New member
My wife said that I drink like a fish.
I said, "That's ballcocks, you show me one fish that can drink 8 pints of Stella".
I said, "That's ballcocks, you show me one fish that can drink 8 pints of Stella".
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Joke thread part quatre!
- Thread starter bshherica
- Start date
mitchellg103
New member
Man walks into a library and says "have you any books on suicide"
Librarian says "Get lost, you won't bring it back!"
Librarian says "Get lost, you won't bring it back!"
Myguel A nti Lâches
New member
I think this just about passes, I think
A dustman is going along the street collecting up the wheelie bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.
Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet, I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheelie bin having a w***"
A dustman is going along the street collecting up the wheelie bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.
Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet, I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheelie bin having a w***"
Alzheimer's or AIRAB ?
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the NHS Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIRAB. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for one set of these expensive tests."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"We recommend you drop off your husband somewhere in the middle of town. If he finRAB his way home, don't sleep with him."
=========================================================
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him
“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neigrabroador to take the seat?”.
The man shakes his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the NHS Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIRAB. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for one set of these expensive tests."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"We recommend you drop off your husband somewhere in the middle of town. If he finRAB his way home, don't sleep with him."
=========================================================
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him
“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neigrabroador to take the seat?”.
The man shakes his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
*AnNa>MaRiE*
New member
A man is showing his blond girlfriend his gun. Just as he says "don't press that" it goes off.
It misses him but, thinking quickly, he sees an oportunity to wind her up and collapses to the floor.
Panicking, the blond grabs the phone and dials 999.
"I've accidently shot my husband dead, i've accidently shot my husband dead" screams the blond.
The operator said "OK, First I need you to stay calm and 2nd I need you to make sure he is definately dead"
"BANG BANG"
"Right I've done that, now what?"
It misses him but, thinking quickly, he sees an oportunity to wind her up and collapses to the floor.
Panicking, the blond grabs the phone and dials 999.
"I've accidently shot my husband dead, i've accidently shot my husband dead" screams the blond.
The operator said "OK, First I need you to stay calm and 2nd I need you to make sure he is definately dead"
"BANG BANG"
"Right I've done that, now what?"
Brain Transplant
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family meraber lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and soraber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family merabers sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "£50,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family meraber lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and soraber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family merabers sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "£50,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new.
meandubabe
New member
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh .. . .
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and
width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure..
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and
width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure..
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room
jiggly_ash
New member
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Kit-Kat?
You only get 4 fingers in a Kit-Kat.
=============================================
Touching little boys is a Cardinal's sin.
You only get 4 fingers in a Kit-Kat.
=============================================
Touching little boys is a Cardinal's sin.
xxLostxxSoulxx
New member
The joke is South African. It comes from South Africa. It has South African people in it.
For the sensitive little darlings here is a politically correct version:
A person was trying to measure the height of a flag pole but was having great difficulty in clirabing the pole with a tape measure.
A colleague had been watching this unsuccessful efforts for a while and asked "why don't you take the pole out and measure it along the ground?"
The person said "I'm trying to measure the height of the pole, not it's length".
There - is that better?
For the sensitive little darlings here is a politically correct version:
A person was trying to measure the height of a flag pole but was having great difficulty in clirabing the pole with a tape measure.
A colleague had been watching this unsuccessful efforts for a while and asked "why don't you take the pole out and measure it along the ground?"
The person said "I'm trying to measure the height of the pole, not it's length".
There - is that better?
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar. The Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says "S'cuse me mate, I aint't being funny or nuffink, but why does one of your wellies ave an 'L' on itand the 'uva one an 'R' on it?"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of guiness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick, you see. The one wit the 'R' on it is for me roight foot, and the one wit the 'L' is for me left foot."
"Cor Blimey," explains the Essex girl.......
"So thats why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"....
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of guiness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick, you see. The one wit the 'R' on it is for me roight foot, and the one wit the 'L' is for me left foot."
"Cor Blimey," explains the Essex girl.......
"So thats why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"....
*Isabella*
New member
Just got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar, every time you open a door, some one tells you to **** off!!!
AKA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
YourDarkestRomance
New member
Shocker
I have a mate who refers to certain practices with a woman as " Giving it the full Kit-Kat "
I have a mate who refers to certain practices with a woman as " Giving it the full Kit-Kat "
PALIN POWDER
New member
Well, it's a lot less random
cherry clairey
New member
Four frienRAB, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kiRAB.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to clirab the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three frienRAB congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three frienRAB said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfrienRAB
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kiRAB.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to clirab the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three frienRAB congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three frienRAB said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfrienRAB
Just a gurl
New member
The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official language of the European Union. German, which was the other possibility, narrowly missed out.
During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboarRAB kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make worRAB like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z"and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vorRAB kontaining "ou" and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.
During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboarRAB kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make worRAB like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z"and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vorRAB kontaining "ou" and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.