pretty.gurl
New member
Went to the fishmonger's today - they had cod for £2.10, halibut for £1.50 and mackeral for £2.20. Didn't really understand it though, as you could get the whole plaice for £3.10
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Joke thread part quatre!
- Thread starter bshherica
- Start date
afrasiyab k
New member
Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
mazda626eshelp
New member
What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
EdWood.
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head?
EdWood WoodWood.
EdWood.
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head?
EdWood WoodWood.
!*Funk-a-del-ic*!
New member
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be erabarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering merabership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be erabarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering merabership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Blaster XL
New member
bump
violetviolet
New member
Starting the Xmas jokes......
Where does Scrooge go for his Xmas drinks ??
Bar Hurabug
Where does Scrooge go for his Xmas drinks ??
Bar Hurabug
Hesham Al-Rousan
New member
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1.He called everyone brother
2.He liked Gospel
3.He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1.He went into His Father's business
2.He lived at home until he was 33
3.He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1.He talked with His hanRAB
2.He had wine with His meals
3.He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1.He never cut His hair
2.He walked around barefoot all the time
3.He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1.He was at peace with nature
2.He ate a lot of fish
3.He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1.He never got married..
2.He was always telling stories.
3.He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1.He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2.He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3.And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
1.He called everyone brother
2.He liked Gospel
3.He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1.He went into His Father's business
2.He lived at home until he was 33
3.He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1.He talked with His hanRAB
2.He had wine with His meals
3.He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1.He never cut His hair
2.He walked around barefoot all the time
3.He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1.He was at peace with nature
2.He ate a lot of fish
3.He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1.He never got married..
2.He was always telling stories.
3.He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1.He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2.He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3.And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
yoshi4lyfe
New member
Do you know what a man is called with 4planks on his head? Neither do I but Edward Woodward would.
I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about "what do you do when an epiletic has a fit in the bath ? Throw in your washing " they were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "that's not funny,my brother was epiletic and died in the bath " "sorry mate " I said "did he have a fit ? " " no " he said " he chocked on a sock..."
A "Drunk" Taster Applied
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It's red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It's red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"
Zombie Bob
New member
My Dad told me this a few days ago......
What has Manchester United and John Claude Van Damme got in common ?
Both on Channel 5 after Christmas
What has Manchester United and John Claude Van Damme got in common ?
Both on Channel 5 after Christmas
z-OH-ee <8
New member
As opposed to just reading them