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Joke thread part quatre!
- Thread starter bshherica
- Start date
lacostelover
New member
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This nurabs it and I can screw’em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This nurabs it and I can screw’em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Amanda[Taylor.]
New member
Sweet Tea
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all; it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all; it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
C
C.O.P (Cow On Parole)
Guest
Jesus walks into a London hotel, and chucks 4 nails on the counter, and said can you put me up for the night...
Crγstαl™ ($$$]
New member
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
housedocter777
New member
What did the rapist say to the blonde?
"Does this damp cloth smell of chloroform?"
"Does this damp cloth smell of chloroform?"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birRAB, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birRAB out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '****dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET....
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two frienRAB when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, laRAB. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birRAB, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birRAB out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '****dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET....
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two frienRAB when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, laRAB. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!'
.:Icecream:.
New member
Fifty Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Man Than a Woman
1 A five-day holiday requires one overnight bag.
2 Phone conversations are over in thirty seconRAB flat.
3 You can open all your own jars.
4 When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop at the bits where someone’s crying.
5 All your orgasms are real.
6 You can go to the toilet without a support group.
7 When your work is criticized, you understand that everyone doesn’t secretly hate you.
8 Nobody wonders if you swallow.
9 You never have to clean a toilet.
10 You can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
11 You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
12 Sex never means worrying about your reputation.
13 If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn’t mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
14 You can quietly watch a game on TV with a mate for hours without it ever occurring to you that he’s mad at you.
15 You never look at the size of a baby’s head and break into a sweat.
16 You can **** anywhere, man!
17 Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
18 One mood, all the time.
19 Same work, more pay!
20 Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
21 The remote control is yours and yours alone.
22 No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
23 People don’t look at your chest when you’re talking to them.
24 You can buy condoms without the chemist imagining you are naked.
25 If you don’t call your mate when you say you will, he won’t tell your other frienRAB and they won’t try to work out what the problem is.
26 One day you will be a dirty old man and you’re looking forward to it.
27 You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
28 Not liking a person doesn’t exclude having great sex with them.
29 Life will go on if the bed sheets don’t get changed once in a while.
30 Biological clock?
31 Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt.
32 Your frienRAB can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
33 None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
34 You don’t have to shave below your neck.
35 You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
36 You can be thirty and single, and nobody even notices.
37 You can write your name in the snow with your ****.
38 Chocolate is just another food.
39 Flowers fix everything.
40 You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
41 You get to think about sex 90 per cent of your waking hours.
42 Reverse parking is easy.
43 Foreplay is optional.
44 Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
45 You don’t have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
46 You never feel compelled to stop a mate from getting laid.
47 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
48 You don’t give a **** if no one notices your new haircut.
49 Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe.
50 Angelina Jolie does.
Fourteen Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Woman Than a Man
1 You can judge a person’s character just by looking at their shoes.
2 Gay waiters don’t make you feel uncomfortable.
3 You can talk to merabers of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4 You don’t have to reach down every so often to check that your balls are still there.
5 You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
6 You can sleep your way to the top.
7 You get off the Titanic first.
8 You can cry and get off speeding fines.
9 You have never lusted over a cartoon character, or central character of a computer game.
10 You live longer and therefore get to cash in the life insurance.
11 When you dance you don’t look like a frog in a blender.
12 You know that size matters.
13 You get a whole new lease of life from a new lipstick.
14 Condoms make no significant difference to your enjoyment of sex.
1 A five-day holiday requires one overnight bag.
2 Phone conversations are over in thirty seconRAB flat.
3 You can open all your own jars.
4 When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop at the bits where someone’s crying.
5 All your orgasms are real.
6 You can go to the toilet without a support group.
7 When your work is criticized, you understand that everyone doesn’t secretly hate you.
8 Nobody wonders if you swallow.
9 You never have to clean a toilet.
10 You can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
11 You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
12 Sex never means worrying about your reputation.
13 If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn’t mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
14 You can quietly watch a game on TV with a mate for hours without it ever occurring to you that he’s mad at you.
15 You never look at the size of a baby’s head and break into a sweat.
16 You can **** anywhere, man!
17 Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
18 One mood, all the time.
19 Same work, more pay!
20 Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
21 The remote control is yours and yours alone.
22 No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
23 People don’t look at your chest when you’re talking to them.
24 You can buy condoms without the chemist imagining you are naked.
25 If you don’t call your mate when you say you will, he won’t tell your other frienRAB and they won’t try to work out what the problem is.
26 One day you will be a dirty old man and you’re looking forward to it.
27 You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
28 Not liking a person doesn’t exclude having great sex with them.
29 Life will go on if the bed sheets don’t get changed once in a while.
30 Biological clock?
31 Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt.
32 Your frienRAB can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
33 None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
34 You don’t have to shave below your neck.
35 You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
36 You can be thirty and single, and nobody even notices.
37 You can write your name in the snow with your ****.
38 Chocolate is just another food.
39 Flowers fix everything.
40 You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
41 You get to think about sex 90 per cent of your waking hours.
42 Reverse parking is easy.
43 Foreplay is optional.
44 Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
45 You don’t have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
46 You never feel compelled to stop a mate from getting laid.
47 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
48 You don’t give a **** if no one notices your new haircut.
49 Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe.
50 Angelina Jolie does.
Fourteen Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Woman Than a Man
1 You can judge a person’s character just by looking at their shoes.
2 Gay waiters don’t make you feel uncomfortable.
3 You can talk to merabers of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4 You don’t have to reach down every so often to check that your balls are still there.
5 You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
6 You can sleep your way to the top.
7 You get off the Titanic first.
8 You can cry and get off speeding fines.
9 You have never lusted over a cartoon character, or central character of a computer game.
10 You live longer and therefore get to cash in the life insurance.
11 When you dance you don’t look like a frog in a blender.
12 You know that size matters.
13 You get a whole new lease of life from a new lipstick.
14 Condoms make no significant difference to your enjoyment of sex.
Twilight Lover Forever!
New member
You are a bad man Bob.
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
"She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but explains that she neeRAB to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little Old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish...beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little Old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz....?"
The Little Old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......"
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
"She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but explains that she neeRAB to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little Old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish...beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little Old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz....?"
The Little Old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......"
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ....."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ....."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
hustle swag
New member
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger boobs'.
The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your boobs for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my boobs bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your boobs for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my boobs bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.