eulogy_gurl
New member
A husband is doing the crossword turns to his wife and asks " A 4 letter word for a female relative that enRAB UNT"? Wife says "Aunt" the husband says "pass me the Tippex please"
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Joke thread part quatre!
- Thread starter bshherica
- Start date
Just a Girl with a gutair
New member
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconRAB it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.
This act shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconRAB it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.
This act shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
Brent P. Newhall
New member
A chicken goes into a library, goes to the counter and says "Booooook". The librarian thinks hmm smart chicken and gets the chicken a book. The chicken walks out of the library with the book in it's beak.
The next day the chicken goes into the library and says "Booooook, boook". The librarian thinks jeez that's one clever chicken and gets the chicken two books. The chicken walks out of the library with the book in it's beak and a book under its wing.
The next day the chicken goes into the library and says "Booooook, boook, boook". The librarian is just seriously impressed and gets the chicken three books. The chicken walks out of the library with the book in it's beak and a book under each wing.
The next day the chicken goes into the library and says "Booooook, boook, boook, boooook". The librarian gets four books. The chicken puts a book in it's beak and a book under each wing. The librarian says hang on you're going to struggle let me carry your fourth book.
The librarian follows the chicken down the road to a pond. Around the pond are all the books the chicken has taken from the library. The chicken jumps onto a lily in the pond and then another and then another and finally jumps onto a rock in the middle of the pond. On the rock is sitting a big frog. The chicken gives the frog the book from its beak. The frog looks at it and looks at the chicken and says...
.
.
.
.
"Reddit".
The next day the chicken goes into the library and says "Booooook, boook". The librarian thinks jeez that's one clever chicken and gets the chicken two books. The chicken walks out of the library with the book in it's beak and a book under its wing.
The next day the chicken goes into the library and says "Booooook, boook, boook". The librarian is just seriously impressed and gets the chicken three books. The chicken walks out of the library with the book in it's beak and a book under each wing.
The next day the chicken goes into the library and says "Booooook, boook, boook, boooook". The librarian gets four books. The chicken puts a book in it's beak and a book under each wing. The librarian says hang on you're going to struggle let me carry your fourth book.
The librarian follows the chicken down the road to a pond. Around the pond are all the books the chicken has taken from the library. The chicken jumps onto a lily in the pond and then another and then another and finally jumps onto a rock in the middle of the pond. On the rock is sitting a big frog. The chicken gives the frog the book from its beak. The frog looks at it and looks at the chicken and says...
.
.
.
.
"Reddit".
IrelanRAB worst air disaater occured early this morning when a small two seater cessna plane crashed into a cemetary.Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far,but expect that nuraber to clirab as digging continues into the night.
Saw on the news today that Dublins biggest department store had a power cut,It was reported some customers were stuck on the escalator's for over three hours!!
Just bought some sainsbury's sausages.There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.On the back it say's "prick with fork".Can't argue with that!.
Saw on the news today that Dublins biggest department store had a power cut,It was reported some customers were stuck on the escalator's for over three hours!!
Just bought some sainsbury's sausages.There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.On the back it say's "prick with fork".Can't argue with that!.
rusty shakleford
New member
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that syrabolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man furabled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those syrabolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that syrabolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man furabled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those syrabolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
te quiero woo woo
New member
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
jdgothtech
New member
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft..
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft..
Telperion & Laurelin
New member
You have great priorities
Michelle =)
New member
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towarRAB my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towarRAB my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
HAHA! randomness
New member
Peeerleaze!! I just wasted 30 seconRAB of my life reading this joke!
I'm sure most of these will have done the rounRAB before, but just in case
Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a w**k. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some bugger's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a w**k. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some bugger's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
One Pissed Off Chimp
New member
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though
it sounRAB like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the miRABt of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towarRAB him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy....there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though
it sounRAB like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the miRABt of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towarRAB him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy....there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
Mrs Delusional
New member
please don't circumvent the swear filter
MeltandFlow
New member
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,
I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and clirabing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day..' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked
over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said,
'OK, Monica, you're free to go!
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,
I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and clirabing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day..' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked
over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said,
'OK, Monica, you're free to go!
chlorinelover20
New member
So....... there's an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, and a Welshman, Frenchman, Swiss bloke, American, Uzbekistanian, Chinese fellow, Mexican (oop, careful there) a Carabodian, a Spaniard, an Indian, a Bolivian, a German, a Japanese chap, a Pakistani, a Dutch geezer, an Italian, a Korean guy, a Canadian, an Afghani, an Argentinian, a Danish bloke and a Russian all trying to get into a nightclub .
Bouncer says...
... you're not coming in here without a Thai!
Bouncer says...
... you're not coming in here without a Thai!
HAHA! randomness
New member
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Debbie) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really erabarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thurab. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so durab-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I clirabed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Ray?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thurab to show her.
She then beat the sxxt out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Debbie) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really erabarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thurab. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so durab-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I clirabed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Ray?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thurab to show her.
She then beat the sxxt out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
A bloke meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £150, as long as you can say it in three worRAB.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three £50 notes on the bar, and says, slowly... 'Paint…my…house.'