Great "Simpsons" Quotes

One of the many reasons I started this thread. :) Here's one from the Principal and the Pauper.

Bart: "But he lied about his name."
Lisa: "His name doesn't matter. 'A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.'"
Bart: "Not if you called them stench blossoms
Homer: "Or crap weeds."
Marge: "I sure would hate to get a dozen crap weeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy."
Homer: "Not if they were called scum drops."
 
From Lost Our Lisa
Homer: "Lisa, you can't go this far and not go further!"

And from Trash of the Titans.
Quimby: "All in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson?"
Town: "Aye!"
Quimby: "Mr. Patterson?"
Patterson: "Oh, I can't tell you how gratifying it is to leave you all wallowing in the mess you made, you're screwed, thank you, goodbye."
 
Narrator: The dream was over. Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it?

Wiggum: Wait a minute--Bronchial tubes clearing...asthma disappearing! Acne...remains, but...asthma disappearing!

^Again, the way Hank delivered it makes it hilarious.

Homer: Ah, 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. 'Cept for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

Farmer: Oh, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Bart: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Thief: Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. Goodbye.

And to cap off this post...

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

EDIT: Forgot this classic...

Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
 
All my quotes are taken from "Lemon of Troy", the most underrated episode ever.

"Hey, everybody, an old man's talking!"

"Class, please! If you don't learn roman numerals, you'll never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted."

"What is it, boy? Is there something behind that wall we should beat up?"

"Homer! Come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!"

"And the kid with the backpack said "radical". -I- say "radical". That's my thing that I say! I feel like I'm going to explode here!"

"Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. AND, let's not forget your little speech!"

"This is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!"

Milhouse: "What are they saying?
Bart: I'm not sure.
Milhouse: I thought you said you could read lips.
Bart: I assumed I could."

"We're going up to the bluffs to paint "Springfield sucks" in huge letters. That way, whenever they look into Shelbyville, they will realize that they suck."

"Rocky II + Rocky V equals... Rocky VII: Adrian's Revenge!"

"I'm never going to find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute- there's a lemon behind that rock!"

"I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's going to stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna- LEMON TREE?!"

"Faster, son! He's got a taste for meat now!"

"Eat my shorts!"
"Yes, eat ALL of our shirts."
 
Marge and Homer are going to a parent teacher conference and Marge says they're bringing dinner home.

Lisa: "What're we having?"
Homer: "Uh let's see, if you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad, poison."
Lisa: "What if one of us has been good and on of us has been bad?"
Bart: "Poisoned pizza."
Homer: "Oh no, I'm not making two stops!"
 
Weekend at Burnsie's:

Marge: Homer, I'm very uncomfortable about having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

^ Like "murder" is any more reassuring?
 
"There's a doin's a transpirin'!"

Lemon Of Troy is one of my favorite episodes ever. I constantly say 'there's a lemon behind that rock!" when the saying is apt... Which is a lot more often than you'd think.
 
What really makes that line work is seeing Rod (Todd?) take a step backwards while Milhouse is seething. :p

I also like the following exchange.

"Is this the end of Milhouse...?"

"But...that's my name!"

"I thought I was the only one."

"A pain I know all too well."

"So this is what it feels like...when doves cry!" [sobbing]
 
Well, to be fair, there can be hilarious lines in episodes that one would otherwise consider of poor quality. Additionally, not everyone hates every single episode after what they feel was the decline.

Anyways, some more:

From Homie the Clown:

"Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I've leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business."

^ Try saying "clown" a few more times, Homer. :p

From Radioactive Man:

"Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man-"
"Radioactive Man, stupid!"
"Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that."

^ Great self-referential gag.

From I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can:

"Paris is no more. That's right, the legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever, as a massive-" (Marge shuts off TV)

^ Poor Paris. Nobody in the Simpson household cares about it.

From Faith Off:

"Big game fever is reaching a fever pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A&M spreads like wildfever. (off-camera) This is writing?!"
"I'm sorry Uncle Kent; I lost my thesaurus."
"Lost your thesaurus... you'll lose more than THAT. (to camera) In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. AARGH!"

From Stop! Or My Dog Will Shoot:

"Children, line up according to height. No, weight. No, the sum total of the letters in your last name if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet. Quickly, now!"

^ Couldn't have been more confusing if he tried.

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

"Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!"

From Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade:

"Canada's Governor's General: Clowns Love Haircuts, So Should Lee Marvin's Valet."

^ Fun with abbreviations.

From Mountain of Madness:

"Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates."
"Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately."

From Mr. Plow:

"Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from "Leave It To Beaver". (listens) Yeah, they were gay."

^ The end of that just comes out of nowhere. I love it. Apparently the writers had to fight for that line to be in the episode. I'm glad they did.

From Homer the Vigilante:

"Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Simp- OH MY GOD- underage kids drinking beer without a permit! (excitedly runs over)"

From Homer Loves Flanders:

"Hey Flanders, over here! I got us some kickass seats!"

^ Such appropriate church talk. And I love how nobody cares because everyone suddenly loves Homer for his charity work.

From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown."

From Lisa on Ice:

"We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork... who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa."

^ Something you'll never hear from a coach. Well, maybe you would- what do I know?

From Summer of 4 Ft. 2:

"Hmm, I bet this place sells illegal fireworks ... just act casual, like you buy them all the time. (to clerk, loudly) Hi... ummm... let me have some of those porno magazines... large box of condoms... a couple of those panty shields (quickly) and some illegal fireworks (normal) and one of those disposable enemas. Ehhh... make it two."

^ Brilliantly read by Dan. And a good twist on a relatable premise.

From My Sister, My Sitter:

"Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

^ Way to overreact, Quimby.

From Make Room For Lisa:

"Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it?"

^ So random.
 
Lisa The Tree Hugger

Homer: (reading the paper) Sheesh! Look at these refugees. How 'bout a smile?
Marge: They've undergone terrible hardships!
Homer: Well, moping won't make it better.

Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back! (Stroking his chin) Unless...
Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead!
Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive! (Stroking his chin again) Unless...
 
From Round Springfield:

Homer: Man these are Premo seats. I could really go for a hot dog.
Marge: HOMER! This is an operation.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: WOOHOO!

Not sure why, but I find humor in Homer wanting a hot dog while watching his son get an operation.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: What are you here for?
Lisa: My brother just had his appendix out.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Is he gonna be OK?
Bart: Hi, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds and I'm a little behind
Lisa: He'll be fine.

Just love Lisa delivery of that line, along with Bart having a drawing on his butt.

Homer: And I won't rest until I gotten a hot dog.
Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: What do you do? Follow my husband around.
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

I just love how it's a follow up joke, and that Homer has a stalker.
 
I'm just gonna keep going until you surrender. ;)

From A Streetcar Named Marge:

"I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats off to Channukah", I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders?"

^ Love the unexpected twist on that. And to answer your question, probably.

From Homer vs. Dignity:

"Something's wrong. Terribly wrong!"

^ I don't know why, but this cracks me up. Maybe it's because Lisa is stating the blatantly obvious.

From Viva Ned Flanders:
Ned: This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun!
Homer: Well well well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned: Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer: Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned: How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer: Wellity wellity wellity-
Ned: Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer: Let's do it.

^ Love Ned's delivery on "Stop that!"

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

Rudy: Can I come too?
Krusty: Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.

^ LOL. What does "too small to go to the Super Bowl" even mean?! :p

From Homer vs. Patty and Selma:
Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U.
Homer: I'll have to trust you on that.

And from the same episode...

"All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."

^ You're thinking of kidneys, Homer.

From Bart's Inner Child:

Brad Goodman: Troy, this circle is you.
Troy McClure: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!

From Marge in Chains:
Lionel Hutz: What kind of tie am I wearing?
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-windsor knot!
Lionel Hutz: Oh I am, am I? (turns around, struggling to get tie off) Is that what you think? Well if that is what you think, I’ve got something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows: (turns around) I’m not wearing a tie at all.

^ So ridiculous. First of all, everybody in the court room that he was facing could see him take the tie off. Second, it's funny just how long it takes him, and how he has to pad his speech because of it.

From Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie:

Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

From Whacking Day:

(after Grampa's story about riding out the war posing as a German cabaret singer)

Bart: Is that story true?
Grampa: Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period during the '40s. Oh, they had designers then!

From King of the Hill:

(after Grampa's story about falling 8,000 feet below onto jagged rocks)

"Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night!"

^ Uh-huh.

From The Cartridge Family:

"Watch the fish, Marge."

And from a scene later...

"Did you change the locks when you moved in? Hah, I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere."

^ LOL WUT

From Homer the Smithers:

"Get ready for exciting quarter-mile action at the Springfield Dragway. It'll be motorized mayhem mayhem mayhem. (off mic, softly) Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right, fair enough. I suppose you know your business. (into mic) Get ready for fun, fun, fun! (off mic) I... The people are already here, we don't... need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Let go of me... Where are you throwing me?"

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 2:

Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's DNA-
Lisa: They have Simpson DNA! It could have come from any of us, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
Marge: No no no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.

^ Again, LOL WUT?

From The Old Man and the Lisa:

"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?"

^ Love how menacingly he says "synagogue".
 
And I love that they have Marge go though the bag of all that stuff a little later in the episode.

"I don't know what you have planned tonight, but count me out."
 
Should I start posting episode transcripts? :p


Bart the Murderer:

Homer: How much does it pay?
Bart: Thirty bucks a week!
Homer: Pfft! I make more than that.

^Cool story bro.


Wiggum: Let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco Products. Jack?
Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco flavor is already heading towards Springfield. The driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.
*crowd cheers*

^lol.


Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

^I love when Homer randomly sticks up for the plant, even though Burns can't even remember his name.



Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks.
(Cut to a pizza delivery truck equipped with a satellite dish)
*inside the truck, full of surveillance equipment*
Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown.
Man 2: Let's roll. (the truck speeds off)
*back in the house*
Homer: See? It was all your imagination.
*another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted on the side says "Flowers By Irene"*
Marge: Mmmhmm...

^Yes Homer, nothing's wrong. :anime:
 
Chief Wiggum trying to find Mr. Burns' car using its security tracking system

Computer: Car gone... car gone...

Chief Wiggum: Yes we know the car is gone. Where has it gone to?

Computer: CAR GONE... CAR GONE...



Lisa's tap shoe malfunctions due to everyone clapping

Prof. Frink: Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all!



From "Homer's Odyssey"

Circe: You must cross the river Styx.

cut to homer on the river Styx with a song by the band Styx playing

Homer: THIS TRULY IS HELL!



Rainier Wolfcastle to piece of pie

Wolfcastle: Remember when I said I'd eat you last? I lied?
 
Tatum talking about the baseball game where the Cavalry Kids will sing the nationail anthem:

Tatum: The proceeds will go to keeping people like me off the streets. Punch and grope, punch and grope...it's all I was taught!


Later at the game when a fight brakes out between the spectators, Moe and Tatum are left face to face after everyone else has already "paired off" fighting

Moe: (Looks up at Tatum) How did this happen? :eek:
 
I'm practically in hysterics here. The classic seasons has so many amazingly funny lines. Nowadays the dialog is either painfully delivered or isn't very well written in the first place.

Here are a couple from "Bart's Girlfriend", both taken from the snpp.com episode capsule.

Homer: I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first
date.
[sings] Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset...
Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...
Yes, we have no bananas...[weeps]
Marge: Oh, that's sweet Homer. Our son _is_ growing up, isn't he.
Homer: No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas!
They have no bananas today...[walks off crying]

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

The best part about that second quote is that Homer says all of his lines with absolutely no emotion in his voice and with a wall-eyed look on his face.
 
Marge: "Do you think we need counseling?"
Homer: "Who's we? Got a mouse in your purse?"

Did....Homer just OWN Marge?:eek:

Lisa: "Without my pearl, I'm just a big Maggie!"

Lisa: Excuse me, boys. My brother is lost, and kind of a jerk. If he’d brought a map of the grounds as I suggested, then we would…
Bart: Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don’t have to come home to you!
Lisa: Oh, Bart, don’t say things you can’t take back.
Bart: It’s out there. Deal with it!
Lisa: Oh, great. Now you woke the baby.
Bart: I told you we should have left her with your mother!
Lisa: My God, Bart, what happened to us?
Bart: We grew up.

Spoken like a true dysfunctional married couple.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer sure can make apologies funny.

Nelson: The better man won, Simpson. You can really drive.
Bart: Thanks, Nelson. Put 'er there. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! Loser! Na-na, na-na-na!
Marge: You know, there is such a thing as being a bad winner.
Bart: Mom, I never won before. I may never win again. Na-na, na-na-na!
Homer: That's my boy. Na-na, na-na-na!

That's right, Bart. Savor it while it lasts.:)
 
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