Great "Simpsons" Quotes

From Trash of the Titans. Homer is putting out the garbage as the garbage truck guys are driving away. Homer starts yelling insults then:

Homer: "Yeah, I'm talking to you! You trash eating stinkbags!"
*truck screeches to a halt*
Homer: "Uh oh."
*truck quickly reverses and stops in front of Homer.*
Garbage Man 1: "What'd you call us?"
Homer: "Uh, I don't know, alot of people were yelling stuff."
Garbage Man 2: "You called us trash-eating stink bags!"
Garbage Man 1: "Didn't you learn anything from Love Day?"
Homer: "That was yesterday, moron!"

Also

Marge: "Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me today."
Homer: "That's not the way she tells it."
 
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

Seems there's always something to worry about.:sweat:

Lovejoy: I'm a shepherd without a flock. What have I done to lose them?
St. Eleutherius: The real question is: What have you done to keep them?

He really told it like it was.:p
 
That line comes from the "D'oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" segment of the season 14 episode Tales From The Public Domain. The episode Homer's Odyssey is a completely unrelated episode from the 1st season. Also, the song playing is "Lady"(1974) by Styx.

I do think that joke is awesome, BTW, as I think Styx is an awful band.
 
This is from the episode in which we find out the Principal Skinner is not the real Seymour Skinner, but in fact Armin Tamzarian. When the real Skinner (a war vet) comes back to town, Tamzarian is fired and the new Skinner takes over as principal. His first obstacle, getting someone to recite the pledge of allegiance.

Skinner: "... Now take a seat junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service of this country... Mrs. 'Crab-apple' the pledge please."
Krabappel: "You haven't dealt with women in a long time have you Sergeant?"
*pause*
Skinner: "Are you asking me out?"
 
The best part of that scene is this:

St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
St. Donickus: ...I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
St. Donickus: You... you're just lucky God isn't here.

^ Funny how a supposed saint doesn't know God is omniscient.

Other favorite quotes:

Summer of 4'2'':

Marge: So, did you call any of your friends?
Lisa: Friend? These are my only friends. Grownup nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

Also:

Homer: "Wel-diddly-elcome, Simpsons." Oh, jeez, he actually wrote "diddly"!

Lisa the Skeptic:

Bart: Dad, why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat?
Homer: I didn't like it. The mast had termites.
Lisa: Why would a motor boat have a mast?
Homer: Because! The thingy was... shut up!

Das Bus:

Homer: Flancrest Enterprises?
Ned: Oops! That's for me! Flancrest Enterprises is my home business.
Homer: You liar! You don't have a home business, why would you make up a lie like that?
Ned: (laughs) Oh, it's true! Maude and I sell religious book rugs over the Internet!
Homer: Internet, eh?
Ned: Yes, indeedy! Making some good scratch, too!
Homer: Scratch, eh?
Ned: Yep!
Homer: Maude, eh?

Lisa Gets an "A":

Chalmers: Good lord, what a dump. It's not surprising this school was once classified the most dilapidated in all of Missouri. (beat) That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick.

Hurricane Neddy:

Ned's mother: You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin', and we're all out of ideas.

Lisa on Ice:

Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw sorry, Bart. Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but... you know.

^ No, I don't know. Please elaborate, Homer. :p The overabundance of COPS on Fox is pretty funny, too.

Bart Gets an Elephant:

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. (switches lines) Wiggum... (listens) Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK. (switches lines) Wiggum... (listens) Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. (hangs up) Waaaaah.

Lisa the Iconoclast:

Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance!
 
Even one of the clipshows ("The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular") had some great lines (quotes from SNPP)...

"Troy: Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes, 'I think Homer gets stupider every year.' That's not a question, Professor, but we'll let the viewers judge for themselves."

"Troy: Dr. Linus Irving of the Sloan-Ketterling Memorial Institute writes, "How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw an entire`Simpsons' episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source.
Matt: Get out of my office!"

"Announcer: Which popular 'Simpsons' characters have died in the past year? If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong: they were never popular."

"Troy: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable. I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!"
 
This is one of my favorite exchanges in the movie,,,

After Lisa's speech,the town bans dumping in Lake Springfield...

Chief Wiggum: Hey,no dumping in the lake!!!

Fat Tony(obviously carrying a bag with a dead body inside): Fine,I will dump my "yard trimmings" in a car compactor...

Lou:...Chief,I think that was a dead body in there...

Chief Wiggum: I thought that too....until he said "yard trimmings"...You gotta learn to listen,Lou!!!

Gotta love clueless Wiggum...
*******
Also love this line from Bart (who is drunk at the time) after Marge decides to give Homer another chance...

"Congratulations,mom....You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman!!!!"
****
and from the Treehouse of Horror segment where Homer dies after eating broccoli...and comes back as a ghost to see Marge...

Homer: MAAAARRRRGGGE SIIIIMMMPPPSOONNN!!!

Marge: Oh,Homie,I thought I'd never see you again!!!

Homer: YOOOUUU WERE WROOONNNGG MAARRGGEE...DEAD WRRROOONNG!!!

Marge:...Do you really have to talk like that?

Homer:....No,not really...

I just love that Homer thinks he should speak in a "spooky" way now that he's a ghost...
 
From the episode Team Homer:
Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer(talking to Moe on the phone): Yeah Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer(to Moe): Aw, I got to go, my damn wiener kids are listening. (Hangs up)
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?
Bart and Lisa: They made us!
Homer: Oh, "they made us." That's loser talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world! Nothing's gonna stop us now!
 
I like this run from Bart's Dog Gets an F:

Woman: Jack, I think the baby might be yours.
Jack: I'm sure it is, but prove it.
Woman: You treat me like garbage.
Jack: Because that's the way you love it, baby. (forcefully kisses her; the woman steps back and removes her dress before they continue)
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.

^ Heh. Sounds like Marge watches the show a LOT. ;)

Then later in the program...

Woman: Father McGrath! I thought you were dead!
Father: I -was-!
 
One from my favorite episode King Size Homer, after the ice cream truck flips over one of the guys crawls over to still see the flavors.

"Aww, I can't decide without the pictures."
 
How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

Lisa: Have you always resented us?
Homer: Oh I don't resent you, sweetie. What I meant to say, and maybe I didn't use the right words, is: Marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail. But as coffins go...
Lisa: Please don't say anymore!

^ Wow, are you bad at analogies.

Co-Dependent's Day

Agnes: What's with all those rapping grannies in the movies? If I ever start rapping, just shoot me in the head.

Funeral For a Fiend

Sideshow Bob: Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth!

Treehouse of Horror V

Homer: Can't murder now. Eating.

Also:

(after chopping through a door)
Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman!
Grampa: Hi David, I'm Grampa.
Homer: D'oh!

Raging Abe Simpson

(counting the amount of tugs at the end of Bart's line)
Grampa: 61... 62... 63... oh no! 63! He's out of air! I've sent my only grandson to a watery gra... 64! He's found the treasure! I'm rich!

^ Probably should've worked out a different system. Also:

Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Grampa: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is, you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

^ Love the complete reversal of thought within two sentences.

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

Trebek: Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200.
Marge: But Mr. Trebek-
Trebek: I asked you before the game if you knew the rules and you said you did.

^ Leave it to The Simpsons to portray Alex Trebek as a Mafia-like goon.
 
One of my all-time favorites is from the movie:

*Homer hits himself in the eye with the hammer*
*Bart laughs*
Homer: Why you little-! *strangles Bart* I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!
 
Krusty: Comedy isn't funny anymore - instead of time-tested jokes about mother-in-laws and airline food, you got some big-chinned schlub reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here's a headline for you - NOBODY CARES!
Jay Leno: Hey, I washed your hair!

Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it
like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart: Dad!
Homer: You too, Bart!
Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer: You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

You can dish it out, but can't take it, huh Homer?
 
A couple quotes from the episode where Marge and Homer look like bad parents,and Bart,Lisa and Maggie are taken in as foster kids by the Flanders family....

Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much.
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take
care of yourself!
Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: [as if talking to a child]You did the right thing by telling me.
[walks away] Shoo! Get out of here.
Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.

...Homer's more like a fourth child than a husband to Marge sometimes...

after they regain custody,they find out that Flanders has taken the kids to be baptized...

Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like
Flanders!
[thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
stupid sweater every day and --
[aloud] The Springfield River!

....it actually worked :D...

after Homer prevents Bart's baptism,by getting the Holy Water on himself...

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo
after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: [gasps] Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
Ned: Oh, fair enough.

...doesn't take much for Homer to go back to normal...his general annoyance with Flanders probably helped...
 
After being tossed him into a dumpster and locked inside by the school bullies alongside Milhouse.

Homer: I'm still alive! You call that playing to win?
 
From Bart's Inner Child:

"Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this...
Bart: Rudiger.
Brad: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-
Marge: His name is Bart.
Brad: His name isn't important!"

^ Love how Marge gets yelled at for something Bart did wrong. Bart calling himself "Rudiger" is funny and out of left field, too.

From She of Little Faith:

"Well, as long as your in my house, you'll do what I do, and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon." Then later... "Bacon up that sausage, boy."

^ Hilarious screw-you joke where you think he's talking to Lisa. Also, the very notion of putting butter on meat (and MEAT on meat) is ridiculous.

From Blame it on Lisa:

"Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil?"
"No sir, I didn't."
"CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"

^ Overreact a little more there, Homer.

From Grift of the Magi:

"Neagle: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
Gary Coleman: Whatchu talkin' about, Miss Naegle?
Neagle: That is so adorable! You're rehired.
Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about."

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

"One last question: have you ever seen the sun set... at 3 PM?"
"Yar, once, while I was sailing 'round the arctic-"
"Shut up, you!"

From Rome-Old and Juli-Eh:

"Hey, Mr. Flanders, what'd you get? Some kind of bible garbage?"

^ I don't know why, but "Bible garbage" always makes me laugh.

From The PTA Disbands:

"All right, you listen up, you little FREAKS. The fun stops here. You're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to SCREW WITH!..... Marge Simpson!"

^ One of the funniest screw-you jokes ever.

From Treehouse of Horror V:

"Oh, relax, kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter is around here somewhere. (chuckles) After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? (chuckles) In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! (laughs) Wait... scratch that one."

^ Harry's delivery makes this bit.

From Homer the Great:

"Lenny: It's a secret. (Carl looks at Lenny in the middle of a drink)
Homer: Ssssssshut up!"

^ Third time's a charm.

From $pringfield:

"I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, er, once elected, I will send for the rest of you."

^ Suuuuuure.

From Deep Space Homer:

"Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. (listens) Shut up!"

^ Funny on so many levels. The fact that Homer was somehow able to contact Clinton himself, the fact that "tang" is a double meaning and Homer doesn't realize it, and that he speaks so rudely to a (then) sitting president.

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

"The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it."

From The Lastest Gun in the West:

"Milhouse: Would you lasso me a banana?
Buck: Now how the hell would I do that?"

From Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play:

"Remember when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower?"
"That was two seasons ago."

^ Amusing self-satirizing joke about how The Simpsons can't show butts anymore.

Bart Sells His Soul:

"Uhhhh Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow."

From Homer Goes to College:

"Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt."

^ Homer's irrational hatred of the dean is great. And from the same episode...

"Dean: I'm sorry, boys. I've never expelled anyone before, but... that pig had some powerful friends.
Nixon: Oh you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!"
 
Homer has driven Moe's car into the ocean while trying to commit insurance fraud but fails and get thrown in jail. Homer's in his cell when Police Chief Wiggum comes along.

Wiggum: "Get up Simpson. You're going to the chair."
Homer: *gasps*
Wiggum: The interrogation chair.
Homer: *whew*
Wiggum: "Plug it in boys!"
Homer: *gasps*
 
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