Great "Simpsons" Quotes
- Thread starter Shardote
- Start date
It's from the episode where krusty fakes his death
Bart: "Have you seen this man?" (half way blows up Krusty Balloon)
Captain McAllister: " Yar, that be Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels"
Then Pete comes in playing sailor's horn pipe on the accordian. It kills me every time. Also love when they leave, Pete is holding is hat out for nickels.
Bart: "Have you seen this man?" (half way blows up Krusty Balloon)
Captain McAllister: " Yar, that be Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels"
Then Pete comes in playing sailor's horn pipe on the accordian. It kills me every time. Also love when they leave, Pete is holding is hat out for nickels.
Quite the opposite; it's "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore", the episode where Bart and Lisa become best friends in the absence of Milhouse.
Another quick couple of faves, while I'm here (from Monty Can't Buy Me Love):
"Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain!"
"Good heavens! What kind of radiola show IS this?!"
^ LOL. Who says "radiola" anymore?
Another quick couple of faves, while I'm here (from Monty Can't Buy Me Love):
"Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain!"
"Good heavens! What kind of radiola show IS this?!"
^ LOL. Who says "radiola" anymore?
Chupacabra
New member
Homer: "What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip!"
Helicreature
New member
Homer Goes to College
Board member: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified!
Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? (everyone agrees) Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! (Burns weakly hits the man with a baseball bat)
Board member: Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: I'm giving you the... beating of your life!
Board member: Look, if, stop that! You wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? (Burns collapses)
Burns: Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
^ Imagine how brutal this scene would've been had Burns not been so feeble.
The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
Troy McClure: In our final spinoff tonight, the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents. Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance, and refused to participate. But thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice. Show us what you got, TV!
^ Apparently, viewers are morons.
I Married Marge
Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry?
Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.
Marge: Well, how about Louie?
Homer: They'll call him Screwy Louie.
Marge: Bob?
Homer: Flob.
Marge: Luke?
Homer: Puke.
Marge: Marcus?
Homer: Mucus.
Marge: What about Bart?
Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-yart... Nope, can't see any problem with that!
^ Believe it or not, I didn't get this joke until recently. "Bart" rhymes with "fart". I suck.
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
(after Bart and Lisa annoy Homer by repeatedly asking if they've arrived yet)
Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Maximum Homerdrive
(after Lisa successfully finds a doorbell for Marge before Gil does)
Marge: Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman!
Gil: Oh great, just what I need: Another piranha in the tank.
Realty Bites
Ned: Oh! My d-iddly-ie, will you look at this place! (gasps) And the price has been slashed repeatedly!
Maude: It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and nobody would hear!
Ned: Well, I'm just gonna spill my guts, I love it to death! I'm gonna give you a deposit this minute!
^ If only Ned and Maude knew how coincidental their choice of words were...
Homer the Smithers
Burns: I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of Shredded Wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things? Uh... the things?
Board member: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified!
Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? (everyone agrees) Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! (Burns weakly hits the man with a baseball bat)
Board member: Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: I'm giving you the... beating of your life!
Board member: Look, if, stop that! You wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? (Burns collapses)
Burns: Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
^ Imagine how brutal this scene would've been had Burns not been so feeble.
The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
Troy McClure: In our final spinoff tonight, the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents. Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance, and refused to participate. But thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice. Show us what you got, TV!
^ Apparently, viewers are morons.
I Married Marge
Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry?
Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.
Marge: Well, how about Louie?
Homer: They'll call him Screwy Louie.
Marge: Bob?
Homer: Flob.
Marge: Luke?
Homer: Puke.
Marge: Marcus?
Homer: Mucus.
Marge: What about Bart?
Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-yart... Nope, can't see any problem with that!
^ Believe it or not, I didn't get this joke until recently. "Bart" rhymes with "fart". I suck.
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
(after Bart and Lisa annoy Homer by repeatedly asking if they've arrived yet)
Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Maximum Homerdrive
(after Lisa successfully finds a doorbell for Marge before Gil does)
Marge: Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman!
Gil: Oh great, just what I need: Another piranha in the tank.
Realty Bites
Ned: Oh! My d-iddly-ie, will you look at this place! (gasps) And the price has been slashed repeatedly!
Maude: It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and nobody would hear!
Ned: Well, I'm just gonna spill my guts, I love it to death! I'm gonna give you a deposit this minute!
^ If only Ned and Maude knew how coincidental their choice of words were...
Homer the Smithers
Burns: I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of Shredded Wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things? Uh... the things?
SmileForLife
New member
I got one, one that comes from an episode most Simpsons fans dislike wholeheartedly, although I kind of like it.
Homer: "He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life."
I'm almost certain someone here uses that as their sig, but I don't know who.
Also, I took a look back and realized not many people have done any from one of my favorite episodes, Boy Scoutz N The Hood, so I'll do a few:
Homer: "Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut."
Homer's Brain: "Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts."
Homer: "Explain how."
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
Homer: "Woo-hoo!"
Homer: "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasels."
Mrs. Krababbel:"Guess what class?"
Martin: "It's time for a pop quiz?"
Mrs K.: "Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it sounds like a good idea! Ha!"
A few minutes later...
Nelson: "Hey look, it's Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha!"
Bart: "Enjoy your test!"
Nelson: "Ha-H- oh!"
Flanders: "Well, it's Bart Simpson! Come on in, you're just in time for 'Sponge the Old Folks Day'!"
Jasper: "Help yourself. But stay above the equator!"
Homer: "Mmm. floor pie!"
Bart: (to himself)"Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say 'no', and then it'll be his fault."
Homer: (to himself)"I don't want to go, so when he asks me, I'll just say 'yes'."
Homer's brain: "Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?"
Homer: "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"
(both Homer and Bart march out of their rooms into the middle of the landing and face each other.)
Bart: (through clenched teeth)"Homer, I'd really like you to come on this trip with me."
Homer: (through clenched teeth)"Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you."
(slight pause)
Homer and Bart: (in unison)"D'oh!"
Homer: "He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life."
I'm almost certain someone here uses that as their sig, but I don't know who.
Also, I took a look back and realized not many people have done any from one of my favorite episodes, Boy Scoutz N The Hood, so I'll do a few:
Homer: "Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut."
Homer's Brain: "Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts."
Homer: "Explain how."
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
Homer: "Woo-hoo!"
Homer: "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasels."
Mrs. Krababbel:"Guess what class?"
Martin: "It's time for a pop quiz?"
Mrs K.: "Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it sounds like a good idea! Ha!"
A few minutes later...
Nelson: "Hey look, it's Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha!"
Bart: "Enjoy your test!"
Nelson: "Ha-H- oh!"
Flanders: "Well, it's Bart Simpson! Come on in, you're just in time for 'Sponge the Old Folks Day'!"
Jasper: "Help yourself. But stay above the equator!"
Homer: "Mmm. floor pie!"
Bart: (to himself)"Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say 'no', and then it'll be his fault."
Homer: (to himself)"I don't want to go, so when he asks me, I'll just say 'yes'."
Homer's brain: "Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?"
Homer: "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"
(both Homer and Bart march out of their rooms into the middle of the landing and face each other.)
Bart: (through clenched teeth)"Homer, I'd really like you to come on this trip with me."
Homer: (through clenched teeth)"Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you."
(slight pause)
Homer and Bart: (in unison)"D'oh!"
The Fatster
New member
Too bad that tag is always cut in the syndicated version. 
Also:
"Saxamaphone! Sax-a-ma-phooooooooooooooooone!"
Also:
"Saxamaphone! Sax-a-ma-phooooooooooooooooone!"
MountaineerMan7
New member
Milhouse: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!
Hey, wait a minute.....
Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!
Hey, wait a minute.....
Absolute Savage
New member
Kill The Alligator And Run
Plant Psychiatrist: You hate your father.
Homer: Sometimes, but the person I really hate is your father!
Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. Drunken hicks of the jury...
(The jury gasps and drinks from liquor bottles)
Two Dozen And One Greyhounds
Lisa: But they're our puppies! You stole them from us!
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
(Lisa starts dialing 911)
Mr. Burns: Gimmie that!
Brother From The Same Planet
Ned: Hey Homie, I can see your doodle.
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
Selma's Choice
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge vs. The Monorail
(Sung to the tune of "(Meet) The Flintstones")
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson.
He's the greatest guy in his-tor-ey
From the Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree...
AUGHHH!!!
Plant Psychiatrist: You hate your father.
Homer: Sometimes, but the person I really hate is your father!
Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. Drunken hicks of the jury...
(The jury gasps and drinks from liquor bottles)
Two Dozen And One Greyhounds
Lisa: But they're our puppies! You stole them from us!
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
(Lisa starts dialing 911)
Mr. Burns: Gimmie that!
Brother From The Same Planet
Ned: Hey Homie, I can see your doodle.
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
Selma's Choice
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge vs. The Monorail
(Sung to the tune of "(Meet) The Flintstones")
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson.
He's the greatest guy in his-tor-ey
From the Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree...
AUGHHH!!!
Wiggum: Time to put on that ol wiggum charm *Walking up to Mrs. Lovejoy*
Mrs. Lovejoy: PERVERT!
Marge:Edna
Edna: Marge
Marge:Helen
Helen: Marge
*Walks up to Agnes*
Marge: Uh....hm
Agnes: My name is Agnes it means lamb, lamb of god
Marge: I'm sorry Agnes!
Agnes: Marge
Marge: Discoveries by Homer
Homer: Shut-up
Homer: *Wakes up* That's the guy that's the guy from my dream you won't be smiling for long
Bart & Milhouse: Sisters are doin it for themselves (Bart falls off bed)
Homer: AHHHH! What are you doing in here and I want the non-gay answer
Milhouse: Were just really drunk
Bart: ooooh
Lisa: Dad wait it's poison
Homer:....*shrugs and starts to eat it*
Lisa: Uh It's diet!
Homer: Nooo!
Homer: She has HRH on her Briefcase that can only mean her real name is Henerietta R, Hippo
Marge: Yarn her socks....I Say Darn her
Lisa: Mom The goose is still on the loose
Marge: Nnnnh!
Homer: Please lord guide this cinderblock
Marge: Shut-up Becky There I finally said it.
Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself! (Jasper looks at Abe)
Homer: Fair enough.
Agnes:Get in the car
Skinner: Yes mother
Agnes: And that goes for the rest of you get in the car!
All: Yes Mrs. Skinner
Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!
Mrs. Lovejoy: PERVERT!
Marge:Edna
Edna: Marge
Marge:Helen
Helen: Marge
*Walks up to Agnes*
Marge: Uh....hm
Agnes: My name is Agnes it means lamb, lamb of god
Marge: I'm sorry Agnes!
Agnes: Marge
Marge: Discoveries by Homer
Homer: Shut-up
Homer: *Wakes up* That's the guy that's the guy from my dream you won't be smiling for long
Bart & Milhouse: Sisters are doin it for themselves (Bart falls off bed)
Homer: AHHHH! What are you doing in here and I want the non-gay answer
Milhouse: Were just really drunk
Bart: ooooh
Lisa: Dad wait it's poison
Homer:....*shrugs and starts to eat it*
Lisa: Uh It's diet!
Homer: Nooo!
Homer: She has HRH on her Briefcase that can only mean her real name is Henerietta R, Hippo
Marge: Yarn her socks....I Say Darn her
Lisa: Mom The goose is still on the loose
Marge: Nnnnh!
Homer: Please lord guide this cinderblock
Marge: Shut-up Becky There I finally said it.
Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself! (Jasper looks at Abe)
Homer: Fair enough.
Agnes:Get in the car
Skinner: Yes mother
Agnes: And that goes for the rest of you get in the car!
All: Yes Mrs. Skinner
Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!
askinggirrl
New member
Chief Wiggum.
Homer's drunken thoughts on his family....
"See the thing to remember 'bout my family izzat there's FIVE of us....Marge,Bart,....Girl Bart,....The one who doesn't talk,and the fat guy....How I LOATHE him!!!!"
(I love how Homer can only remember Marge and Bart by name,calls Lisa "Girl Bart",and how he apparently subconciously hates himself)
*******
Homer finds an alien and wants to prove it by videotaping it
Bart: What if we don't find it?
Homer: We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox Network
Bart: Yeah,they'll buy ANYTHING!!!
Homer(suddenly serious) : Now,son,they do alot of quality programming too....
(they look at each other,then both burst out laughing)
Homer: I kill me!!!
(gotta love them taking a shot at their own network)
"See the thing to remember 'bout my family izzat there's FIVE of us....Marge,Bart,....Girl Bart,....The one who doesn't talk,and the fat guy....How I LOATHE him!!!!"
(I love how Homer can only remember Marge and Bart by name,calls Lisa "Girl Bart",and how he apparently subconciously hates himself)
*******
Homer finds an alien and wants to prove it by videotaping it
Bart: What if we don't find it?
Homer: We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox Network
Bart: Yeah,they'll buy ANYTHING!!!
Homer(suddenly serious) : Now,son,they do alot of quality programming too....
(they look at each other,then both burst out laughing)
Homer: I kill me!!!
(gotta love them taking a shot at their own network
)Dragon Rider
New member
"To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!"
Miss Brooks
New member
From Cape Feare:
"Oh no! Dad's been drugged!"
"No he hasn't."
From Treehouse of Horror IV:
"Burns: Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead-
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bit-" (door opens)
^ The cutting off of his swear is timed so well.
From King of the Hill:
"Marge: Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
Marge: No, they didn't! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!
Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.
^ Besides the obvious joke that gluttony IS a sin in Christianity, the mental image of Homer eating a bucket of chicken in a church pew is hilarious.
From Mayored to the Mob:
"Agent: People! This man has actually BEEN in outer space!
Edna Krabappel: Ha! Nobody cares.
Neil Armstrong: This is one small step towards firing your ass!"
From The PTA Disbands:
"Lisa, get in here. (Lisa excitedly comes in) In this house, we obey the LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!"
From The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson:
Pleasant female voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea 'not guilty', press 1 now. (Homer presses 1) Thank you. Your plea has been...
Gruff male voice: ...Rejected.
Pleasant female voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Gruff male voice: ...Large lateness fee.
Pleasant female voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for parking officer Steve...
Gruff male voice: ...Grabowski.
^ Love how every parking officer in NYC is apparently named Steve something.
From Lisa's Sax:
"Teacher: "And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No."
^ Again, it's all about timing.
From Grade School Confidential:
"Wiggum: These aren't bombs. They're hot dogs. ARMOUR hot dogs!
Chalmers: What kind of MAN wears Armour hot dogs?!"
From Treehouse of Horror V:
"Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."
^ So nonchalant about slaughterings, I love it.
From Treehouse of Horror II:
After Smithers requests that Burns put Homer's brain back in his body...
"Oh COME on! It's 11:45!"
^ The delivery of that cracks me up. And 11:45 isn't very late at all. Though I guess it is to an old man like Burns...
From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:
"Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas? (listens) Wow. But, uh, but I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation, that... (listens) How could that be worse? (listens) Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary? (listens) I see."
From Smoke on the Daughter:
"Homer: (regarding a room in the basement) Have you ever wonder what I do in there?
Bart: Gay out?"
From Missionary: Impossible:
"If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief!"
"OK, Betty, settle down."
"Sorry, but these thieves just make me so damn mad. You know who you are, THIEVES!"
And speaking of Betty White...
From Homerazzi:
"Homer: Look at those celebrities. I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Betty White: (approaches) Hello Homer, have you lost weight?
Homer: Oh, like you care, Betty White.
Betty White: Tell me, how's Maggie?
Homer: Her name is "Marge!"
Betty White: I was talking about your baby.
Homer: Oh, uh, she's looking very SNAPPY! (takes picture)
Betty White: Thanks for taking my picture. If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped self-addressed envelope, and give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me. (walks away)
Homer: Yeah, that's right! Just walk away..."
From Itchy & Scrachy: The Movie:
"A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour."
^ Exciting television.
"Oh no! Dad's been drugged!"
"No he hasn't."
From Treehouse of Horror IV:
"Burns: Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead-
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bit-" (door opens)
^ The cutting off of his swear is timed so well.
From King of the Hill:
"Marge: Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
Marge: No, they didn't! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!
Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.
^ Besides the obvious joke that gluttony IS a sin in Christianity, the mental image of Homer eating a bucket of chicken in a church pew is hilarious.
From Mayored to the Mob:
"Agent: People! This man has actually BEEN in outer space!
Edna Krabappel: Ha! Nobody cares.
Neil Armstrong: This is one small step towards firing your ass!"
From The PTA Disbands:
"Lisa, get in here. (Lisa excitedly comes in) In this house, we obey the LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!"
From The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson:
Pleasant female voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea 'not guilty', press 1 now. (Homer presses 1) Thank you. Your plea has been...
Gruff male voice: ...Rejected.
Pleasant female voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Gruff male voice: ...Large lateness fee.
Pleasant female voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for parking officer Steve...
Gruff male voice: ...Grabowski.
^ Love how every parking officer in NYC is apparently named Steve something.
From Lisa's Sax:
"Teacher: "And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No."
^ Again, it's all about timing.
From Grade School Confidential:
"Wiggum: These aren't bombs. They're hot dogs. ARMOUR hot dogs!
Chalmers: What kind of MAN wears Armour hot dogs?!"
From Treehouse of Horror V:
"Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."
^ So nonchalant about slaughterings, I love it.
From Treehouse of Horror II:
After Smithers requests that Burns put Homer's brain back in his body...
"Oh COME on! It's 11:45!"
^ The delivery of that cracks me up. And 11:45 isn't very late at all. Though I guess it is to an old man like Burns...
From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:
"Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas? (listens) Wow. But, uh, but I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation, that... (listens) How could that be worse? (listens) Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary? (listens) I see."
From Smoke on the Daughter:
"Homer: (regarding a room in the basement) Have you ever wonder what I do in there?
Bart: Gay out?"
From Missionary: Impossible:
"If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief!"
"OK, Betty, settle down."
"Sorry, but these thieves just make me so damn mad. You know who you are, THIEVES!"
And speaking of Betty White...
From Homerazzi:
"Homer: Look at those celebrities. I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Betty White: (approaches) Hello Homer, have you lost weight?
Homer: Oh, like you care, Betty White.
Betty White: Tell me, how's Maggie?
Homer: Her name is "Marge!"
Betty White: I was talking about your baby.
Homer: Oh, uh, she's looking very SNAPPY! (takes picture)
Betty White: Thanks for taking my picture. If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped self-addressed envelope, and give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me. (walks away)
Homer: Yeah, that's right! Just walk away..."
From Itchy & Scrachy: The Movie:
"A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour."
^ Exciting television.
For some reason this made me laugh harder than anything else in this thread.
Bart: "Look at the bus! I was right I tell ya, I was right!"
Skinner: "Right or wrong, you're behavior was still disruptive. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a mad house will teach you a lesson.
Nelson: "Ha Ha!"
The "remainder of your life" always gets me. He's getting put away for saving their lives noisily.
Bart: "Look at the bus! I was right I tell ya, I was right!"
Skinner: "Right or wrong, you're behavior was still disruptive. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a mad house will teach you a lesson.
Nelson: "Ha Ha!"
The "remainder of your life" always gets me. He's getting put away for saving their lives noisily.
shadrack kakui
New member
:^: I know Ingrates
So hilarious I just love how Betty is so charming
So hilarious I just love how Betty is so charming