Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Marge: So I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour guide: No ma'am. I'm drunk.

I'm not sure why, but the delivery always gets me on that one.

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs uncontrollably)... So to answer your question, I don't know.

The best description of muppets I've ever seen.

(Doorbell rings)
Homer: Hello?
Goons: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Goons: Hired goons.
Homer: Hired goons?
(Homer answers the door and gets kidnapped)
*later*
Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons are hired to do.
Homer: Hired goons?

The insanity is too well played.
 
-The Boy Who Knew Too Much-

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
(Homer imagines the freakish kids)
Homer: Aaah!
 
"We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!"
"But, sir..."
*loads gun* "I said 'hop in'."

There was absolutely no way for Smithers to get out of that one. It's no wonder he never appears for the rest of the episode.

I mean, you can't tell me anyone here expected that to happen, right?
 
Hibert: "Ok now Mr. Simpson, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start the jiggling, and see how long it takes to stop."
*slaps Homers stomach fat and it begins jiggling, a few seconds go by and the jiggling hasn't even slowed down*
Homer: "Whoohoo, look at that blubber fly!"
Hibert: "Yes. Nurse, cancel my one o'clock."

From Homer's Triple Bypass.
 
^ Ah, that's right. Thanks.

Mr. Plow:

Salesman: Put it in "H"!

Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily:

Homer: The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a houseplant. LOUSY HOUSEPLANT! (chokes it) You son of a... I'll teach you to...

Mother Simpson:

Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: (teary-eyed) Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace sector 7G! (temporarily sobs; quickly reverts to normal) I'll cross him off the list.

^ I just love this joke, how quickly Smithers recovers from sadness and all.

Also, after the power goes out:

Marge: Uh, excuse me! Sir? I think there's been a mistake.
Electrician: Oh, no, no mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off until you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies.

^ Love how unsympathetic he is, even when offering his sympathies.

ALSO:

Homer: "Here lies"... (removes weeds from grave) Walt Whitman?! Aargh! Damn you, Walt Whitman! (kicks grave) I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!

^ What did Walt ever do to him? Well, besides momentarily tricking him. Man, I love "Mother Simpson". :D

Bart the Fink:

Bank Teller: Oh, kid, I meant to tell you: Turns out Krusty is the biggest tax cheat in history. And we nailed him, all thanks to you! Some might say... you're a hero, kid. (pause) Not me, however. I loved Krusty.

^ Way to make him feel like garbage.

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson:

Chief Wiggum: Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten.

Lisa the Skeptic:

Bart: Where are we going, mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well you might say, we're going to the best steak house in the whole universe.
Bart: So... we're not going to Black Angus.

^ This is a pretty funny exchange that doesn't get brought up much. Three amusing things about it:
1) The fact that the family dresses up to go to Black Angus.
2) Marge compares Heaven to a steak house.
3) Bart doesn't get that she means Heaven and assumes she's talking about a place better than the Black Angus restaurant, thereby essentially calling Black Angus just OK.

The Springfield Connection:

(after the scene where Marge signs up to be a cop, exterior of house is shown)
Homer: You did WHAT?!
(cuts to indoors)
Bart: I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal?
Homer: Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.

^ Gotta love the screw you jokes.

They Saved Lisa's Brain:

Quimby: (to a horse he's riding) Faster, you moron!

^ This is a quick joke (probably ADR'd) that I absolutely love. Yeah Quimby, like calling a horse a moron is going to make it run any faster.

I Love Lisa:

Chief Wiggum: Ah, nothing beats a good porno.
Krusty: (turns around) Chief Wiggum! Is this a bust?
Chief Wiggum: Uh, YEAH. That's just what this is: A bust.
(back to present)
Lisa: That story isn't appropriate for children.
Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in THIS version.
 
"Do you think they really filmed this in Atlanta?"
"I don't know! I don't think it's important."

Oh, and lest I forget...



"Well! I'd expect that kind of language at Denny's, but not here!"
 
From Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaning. Somewhat paraphrased.

General Hap Hapablap: "Gentlemen we have searched every inch of this air base for Sideshow Bob and all we've found is porno, porno, porno!"
Quimby: "Bring in the, uh, representatives of television."
*Bumblebee Man, Kent Brockman, Krusty and some others enter the room. Krusty sees the piles of porno on the table*
Krusty: "Whoa, now this is my kind of meeting!"

Also

Lisa: "When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?"
Bart: "Tight, binding underwear?"
Lisa: "Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!"
 
How could I forget one of the best exchanges ever? This comes from season 2's O Brother Where Art Thou?:

Director: (who obviously is Dr. Hibbert's brother) I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even... Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever-
Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your-
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: Fine! Thank you!

So many great things about this.
A) Homer's so preoccupied with himself that he can't see that the director is so clearly Dr. Hibbert's long-lost brother, and could help him out.
B) He doesn't pick up the not-so-subtle hints that the director gives him about Homer's brother.
C) Homer wasted $20 for information when he didn't have to pay a cent.
D) Speaking of needless turns, their whole exchange would've been much more pleasant had Homer not been so belligerent, which was caused by his clueless demeanor.

Classic Homer.
 
That quote is actually from Lady Bouvier's Lover. And in this case, the sight gag is funnier than the actual line, so to me, it's not really a great Simpsons "quote".

Anyway, my quote of the day:

Lisa's Pony

Homer: Apu, you can take this job and re-staff it!
 
I'm beginning to think "Bye Bye Nerdie" is a real underrated episode. There are so many great quotables...

Marge: Aah! Homer, you're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago!
Homer: They said if I come in late again, I'm fired! I can't take that chance.

Lisa: Give her a break. Remember your first day at school?
Milhouse: Not as long as I keep taking these.

Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets, but I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be...

Lisa: How about jazz? You like jazz?
Milhouse: I like jazz...
Lisa: Milhouse, she got you too?
Milhouse: Yeah, but it's not so bad. I'm standing on Ralph.
Ralph: We're a totem pole! Heya hiya, heya hiya...

Nelson: Why you throwin' tomatoes at yourself? Why you throwin' tomatoes at yourself?
Martin: Your very question is faulty.
Jimbo: You're faulty!

Nelson: Please don't hurt me!
Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse.
 
Marge: (crying) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.

^Way to help, Homer.

Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
Warden: Welcome aboard.


And from another episode from season 15:

Fake Marge On TV: Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife!

^Just the way that's delivered always gets me laughing.

Season 15 is so underrated.
 
MARGE: Okay, okay, Homer, you're just overexcited. I just need to get some beer into you, then straight to bed.

HOMER: Woo-woo! BEER-BEER-BEER, BED-BED-BED...!
 
Look at the title. That's not how I wrote it. I wrote it the way you said. Good job.

Bart gets stuck on a roller coaster and Selma asks a man dressed up as a beer named Surly for help.
Surly: "Hey, Surly only looks out for one person: Surly."
Selma: : "Oh, sorry Surly."
Surly: "Shut up."
 
This thread could easily last longer than the series because there are so many quotes that can be interpreted as great for different reasons (delivery, personal relation to the subject at hand, etc). I love how people aren't just listing quotes from "the golden years" including those who I've seen mentioned how much they hate every season past them. Ahhh, the power of The Simpsons.

It's impossible for me to list all of my favorite quotes from a 20+ year old show so I'll just go with what's on my mind, beginning with a conga:

"You don't win friends with salad, You don't win friends with salad, You don't win friends with salad ..."

A couple of Nelson quotes:

"Your position has been usurped ..... USURPED".

"Haw Haw, I touched your heart".

A chant for the leader: "Nanananana leader ... leader .... BATMAN!! I mean, Leader".

- "You have insulted my honor and I demand satisfaction".

Ray Majini and Homer at the hardware store:

Ray (holding a box): Hey Homer, I just got a case of the shingles.

Homer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what's in the box?

- "Beware the wrath of Kwan".

One of the senior citizens at sea with Bart and Lisa: "I want some taquitos" I love how they even use that line during the end credits.

"Kids, I have some bad news about Lenny" "NOT LENNY"

Homer (on the deck of a navy submarine): "It's my first day".

"The line is up and at them" "UP AND ATOM" (love how McBain says that line)

Homer (after cursing due to Bart's antics with a car): "Very well. I will send Bart the money. : in a cutesy tone: Then I will murder him."

"Lisa likes Milhouse" "NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE"

Sideshow Bob's son (in stabbing motion): Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson.

Homer (after seeing the real Seymour Skinner): Continue looking shocked and move slooowly towards the cake".

From two weeks ago: "Drink. Always drink".

- "nobody suspects .... the butterfly" :cue Principal Skinner: "I tell you, it was the butterfly who did it". :close up of butterfly bart laughing:

Homer as The Pieman about to throw a pie: "I've run out of clever puns" :throws pie:

"Bye Bye Sherri Bobbins. Thanks for everything." "So Long, Superman".

Marge: Bad dog .... bad cat .... bad fawn.

"Homer, you've just been shot. You should go to the hospital". Homer: "After pie".

Marge (as a bodybuilder): You've just been Marge-inized.

Woman in audience: That man has the heart of a poet.

Barney: You're very kind.

Woman: Ugh, did something just crawl in your throat and die.

Barney: It didn't die.

During the end credits: Woman: "Shhhh" Simon Cowell: "Oh, shh yourself".

Homer, while being attacked by crows: "That is NOT a worm".

Then there's Mr. Rogers line while he, along with PBS, is chasing Homer. I'd like to quote it but it has language that may anger the mods that be.

I could really go on and on and come up with more based solely on a quick episode description (I'm not the type who memorizes episode titles), but I don't want to mess up quotes verbatum or copy a quote someone else listed like I probably already have.
 
Skinner: Boo!
Edna: Oh Boo yourself

Edna: Fever! *Pops Ballon*
Bart: Kill me
^ Bart's timing was on point.

Miss Hoover: You earned your A+++, Lisa!
Lisa: Actually there are four plusses.
Miss Hoover: No, that's Drambuie.

Cookie: Marge..Stay off the west side
later
Cookie: Are you guys talking about the westside?!
Gil: No Cookie I swear I'm scared of you

Ms. McConnell :Lisa comes to us from Ms. Hoover… (makes drinking sounds)
While Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel. (fake cough) Slut!
 
This is from the episode in which Marge asks for protective gear for Bart:

Clerk: "Cup? Could you spell that?"

Marge: "C-U-P. I wanna C-U-....oh my God!":evil:
 
I like that joke, but even more so, I like his exchange with Edna:

Edna: Can I give you a ride home?
Tatum: ...You really don't want that. Trust me.

A dark joke, but I love it.
 
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