Whew it's hot out here! Summer Mini-Rants

[Lionne]

So I ordered the bright and shiny new iPhone a couple weeks ago, one for me and one for my boyfriend. We're both Verizon users, but porting our existing numbers to ATT. We both have separate Verizon accounts, but it should be no problem, right? Ha!
10.30am I am texting and receiving just fine, and I get an email saying my iPhones have been shipped! Hoorah! When I receive the phones tomorrow, call this number to activate and register my wireless number, blah blah

11.30 I try to send a text, no luck. Try again, nope. Can't receive a text either. I call my cell from my work line, only to be told "The voicemail for this account has not been set up yet". I'm thinking...no way. They wouldn't just switch services to the new phone when I don't even have it yet, would they?
So I call ATT. That's exactly what they did. The customer service lady doesn't know why they did it that way, she's very sorry and she'll see what she can do to port the numbers back to the original phones. After much time on the phone and a conference with Verizon, she manages to get my phone up and running. But, the problem is my boyfriend, who is in Coast Guard training in California. Unreachable except for his cell phone. Who has no idea why his phone is suddenly not working and now has to borrow someone else's phone to figure it out. He'll probably call Verizon and go through the whole mess, and won't think to check his email or Facebook for the urgent messages I've left for him.

Just a lot of frustration for nothing.

On the plus side, ATT customer service was very nice and helpful, and they're waiving both activation fees due to this mess.

 

[Ferret Herder]

You're allowed to wish Cancer on people if having it would disuade them from horribly misguided opinions involving it.

Since sunscreen is bad (but not bug spray!) maybe we can wish a treatable skin cancer on her?

 

[woodstockbirdybird]

Goddammit, Vinyl Turnip, quit trying to ruin boobs for me! Are you secretly my mother or something? Your plan will never succeed.

 

[brown eyed girl]

Why does someone throw their life away by gunning down police officers when whatever crime they committed isn't likely to have earned them the death penalty? Now they'll be lucky to even get taken into custody alive. Stupid!

Could be the death penalty doesn't really work as a deterrent. I doubt that it was even going through his mind.

 

[Shot From Guns]

"The issue of house colors was raised again as there appears to be two pallets in ..."

Maybe they have so many color palettes that they need entire pallets to hold all the swatches. Or is that just unpalatable?

 

[Shot From Guns]

Every so often when i want to clean out the pantry and the fridge, there are always several packages of assorted foodstuffs that have NO clearly marked expiration dates and i FUCKING HATE IT.

Assuming that you're talking about your own home here... just fucking chuck them? If you're the one doing the work, and other people can't be bothered to mark expiry dates, they don't get to complain when you toss what could be a rapidly evolving new civilization that will enslave us all.

 

[Geek Mecha]

1. Wimbledon does not have T in it. And it sure as fuck isn't "Wimpleton."

2. Apple's line of products are lowercase I followed by a capitalized first letter. iPhone. iPad. iMac. Not IMAC or IPhone or Ipad. This shit has been out for 13 years now. And while we're on it, it's Mac, not MAC.

3. What kind of asshole walks through a busy office area loudly whistling and bouncing a rubber ball on the floor? Oh. Your kind of asshole, got it.

 

[Southern Yankee]

Thank you, random person, for entering my car and pulling out everything in my glove box and middle console. Why you thought my 1993 hoopty would contain anything of value is a mystery to me - but glad you confirmed it.

Oh, and thanks for not closing my door all the way when you were done. You'll be happy to know that in spite of your best efforts my battery did not die.

Crap, that sucks. Sorry that happened to you. That was here in C-Town?

 

[mhendo]

2. Apple's line of products are lowercase I followed by a capitalized first letter. iPhone. iPad. iMac. Not IMAC or IPhone or Ipad. This shit has been out for 13 years now. And while we're on it, it's Mac, not MAC.

Well, i got it right in my previous post, but fuck Apple and their retarded corporate naming policy, and a hearty "Up yours" to the Jobs asslickers who insist on spelling the name of their overpriced crap with the stupid fucking lower-case i.

This is just for you assholes (or, maybe, iAssholes):

IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad IMAC IPhone MAC Ipad

 

[Shot From Guns]

Look outside your window. Yes, that's it. Down into the street. Okay, now tell me which side of the road people are driving on. Oh, the right side? Not the left? Okay, now look down at that flagpole, and the other one over there, and tell me which country's flag you see flying. The Stars and Stripes, you say? Not the Union Jack?

WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU USE AN A4 TEMPLATE FOR THIS POWERPOINT?

 

[Shot From Guns]

Transcriptionist: "BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO FOR THIS ONE! "

This is why I try to have as many discussions as possible via email. You can send people the chain when they fuck up.

Which presumably would make the cop shoot back. Not saying that was the reason; just throwing it out as a possibility.

If you're trying to get a cop or a bunch of cops to shoot you to death, killing them is generally a pretty stupid way of going about getting them to shoot you. Little bit hard for them to pull the trigger at that point.

 

[NinjaChick]

If you are in the RIGHT TURN ONLY lane, then you know what your options are when the traffic light turns green? TURN RIGHT. That is your ONLY fucking option. You are not allowed to go straight. You are not allowed to turn left. You are not allowed to sit there jacking off to your perverse sexual fantasies about giving zombie Hitler a rimjob. JUST FUCKING TURN RIGHT. Do not realize at the last fucking minute that Hitler is dead so your fantasies will never come to fruition and suddenly realize you must go straight - you can't go straight because you're in the RIGHT TURN ONLY lane you fucking cunt - and stomp on the gas and try to get fucking in front of the car that is in the YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT FROM THIS LANE BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT TURN ONLY LANE, in the process forcing the bicyclist in the bike lane (which is between the TURN RIGHT YOU FUCKING STUPID WHORE LANE and the THIS IS THE LANE YOU NEED TO BE IN TO GO STRAIGHT DUMBASS LANE) to slam on her brakes and fling herself off her bike to the side in order to avoid riding straight into the driver's side door of your shitty-ass Grampa-mobile, resulting in a nice imprint of her bicycle pedal in the flesh of her leg.

I hope you get eaten by a fucking bear, you fucking miserable little pustule of idiocy.

 

[Mauvaise]

I detest it when people decide to infantilize language like that. The word "belly" strikes me similarly - say "stomach"; you're not talking to pound puppies. Jesus.

But if I am talking about pound puppies, I get a pass, right?

 

[Ferret Herder]

Rabbit cage seller: I know it's a minor complaint, but I really hope you are shipping the new cage for my rabbits today, like your E-mail from last week Wednesday said. Your website's shipping info page stated there was 7-days-a-week order processing and that orders placed on the weekend were put together for shipping on Mondays, but the need to query me about a replacement of a different color item - and I replied ASAP - delayed things until finally Wednesday you said, "great, but shipping will be delayed until the 6th because of the holiday." I appreciate the apology and that you're adding a small bonus gift to the shipment, but right now I really just want the cage, quickly. Sadly, your website doesn't have a "check my order status" tracking option, and I'm worried to pick up the phone and call to check on it, lest I be dragging someone who's packing up my box to the phone, and you miss the UPS guy picking up the other orders!

Also, please consider adding a news page to your website, a status line on your main page, or updating your Twitter feed. You Tweeted maybe three times early this year then nothing at all, and there's nothing on your website to even let people know you're a still-active web store (much less that you might have a shortage of labor the week prior to the holiday weekend). You're not Amazon where everyone would know if you had gone under or something, and I had to take it somewhat on faith that you were still in operation at all when I put in an order.

I know, it's minor, but this cage will be more than "some assembly required" and I'm making some modifications to the design already to fit my unusual space limitations, not to mention adding additional support to the platforms. I also will have to get some plywood cut to make a base (with casters I'll be screwing in) so that the cage can be rolled out for cleaning, and I'll need to make measurements off the finished cage. I had a teeny hope that with fast shipping I'd get to work on it over the long weekend. Right now I just want to know when it'll be delivered!

 

[MsWhatsit]

Maybe they have so many color palettes that they need entire pallets to hold all the swatches. Or is that just unpalatable?

When the revolution comes, you are going to be first against the wall.

 

[Indyellen]

Look, I support everything else you're saying, but I gotta ask about this. Her school starts the third week of August? When did it let out? Not to excuse her attitude and such, but knowing you'll be going back to school when it's still (presumably; I missed seeing your location; where are you at?) ungodly hot/humid is kind of a demotivator. (But then so is not getting out until the last week of June, which has also happened to me.)

We're in Indianapolis; her school district starts back on August 18. Her last day of school was the day before the Memorial Day weekend. I get that - it SUCKS; I'm mostly just tired of being whined at because she's bored and "stuck", when she had opportunities to do something about it. As I said in my rant, there's no reason why she can't do babysitting or dog-walking or something.

 

[Tom Scud]

It was entertaining as hell though when she produced a transcript of a hostile phone call and she had things like "I'm talking to you, Bitch" and "I'm gonna get that Mother Fucker."

I really want to apply a comma after the penultimate word in that second sentence.

 

[Cat Whisperer]

My colleague shows up near the end of the tour. Turns out he was out of the office, giving his son a ride across town.

Hos son is a sophomore in college.

Wow. How do you avoid making "whuppa whuppa whuppa" sounds around *that* helicopter parent? Who, by the way, is about the most unprofessional person I've heard about in a LONG time.

They made a show about parking?

What else have they made a show about? ATM lineups? Taking the trash out?

If you believe the thread about using ATMs here, I think the ATM show might be entertaining.

For the record, the show was about Parking Wars, and it was surprisingly entertaining (mostly from a schadenfreude viewpoint, watching assholes get what they deserve).

If you are in the RIGHT TURN ONLY lane, then you know what your options are when the traffic light turns green? TURN RIGHT. That is your ONLY fucking option. You are not allowed to go straight. You are not allowed to turn left. You are not allowed to sit there jacking off to your perverse sexual fantasies about giving zombie Hitler a rimjob. JUST FUCKING TURN RIGHT. Do not realize at the last fucking minute that Hitler is dead so your fantasies will never come to fruition and suddenly realize you must go straight - you can't go straight because you're in the RIGHT TURN ONLY lane you fucking cunt - and stomp on the gas and try to get fucking in front of the car that is in the YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT FROM THIS LANE BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT TURN ONLY LANE, in the process forcing the bicyclist in the bike lane (which is between the TURN RIGHT YOU FUCKING STUPID WHORE LANE and the THIS IS THE LANE YOU NEED TO BE IN TO GO STRAIGHT DUMBASS LANE) to slam on her brakes and fling herself off her bike to the side in order to avoid riding straight into the driver's side door of your shitty-ass Grampa-mobile, resulting in a nice imprint of her bicycle pedal in the flesh of her leg.

I hope you get eaten by a fucking bear, you fucking miserable little pustule of idiocy.

The only thing that could make this rant better is Hal Briston-style diagrams.

 

[Crazyjoe]

Out of curiosity, does she happen to have a bottle of Purell or other hand sanitizer in her purse? One of my husband's friend's wives is rabidly anti-vax, yet carries all kinds of cleansers with her and keeps different varieties of them at home. There's the purell in her purse, the toilet wipes in her diaper bag (which she still carries for a 3-year-old kid), the clorox wipes in the bathroom next to the antibacterial soap and the special, germ-killing butt wipes on top of the toilet tank. Then in the kitchen, there are several varieties of antibacterial, antimicrobial, anti-anything-else-that-may-make-you-sick cleansers. She gets really snippy anytime she talks about how vaccines are evil and I comment that researchers are finding that kids actually get sicker when houses are disinfected to within an inch of their lives.

Well that's obviously becaue researchers are EVIL. They're the ones who supported the vaccines despite all the baby-crippling things that come out of them as a result.

 

[Tahssa]

Nope - words like "gonna" and "ain't" and the like were all frowned upon by authority figures when I was a kid, so I was naturally attracted to them.

This is exactly why all us super-cool awesome people use "sammich.".* It is to annoy old fogeys like you.



*Use of double peroids is on purpose because one of those is proabbly right.