The whatsupdoc joke thread

A female Miami Herald reporter, interviewing Florida Seminole Indian Chief Billie, asked the
significance of the varied nuraber of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show nuraber of sexual partners," the chief replied. Pointing
to a nearby young brave in a Chickee, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather.
Him?" pointing to a second, older man,
"Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
Chief Billie proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
Chief Billie replied, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer," said Chief Billie. "Ass too high, run too fast."
 
A quiz for gentlemen (using the term very loosely)


1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Match of the day

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) £100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounRAB in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be frienRAB."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably neeRAB a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
 
Job with the Council:
A bloke goes to the local Wanneroo council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the government before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 10 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
There's no point in your coming in for that."
 
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development.

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boarRAB an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan senRAB a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responRAB, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funRAB. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to frienRAB, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
Outstanding!!!

I shall never be able to think of Mahatmi Ghandi in the same way again. Brilliant.

I have nothing to compete with that - but I do love "There were these two - " jokes.
 
At the till, in the supermarket, the cashier told an older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the
environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the
'green thing' back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today; your generation did not care
enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer Bottles.
They were sent back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled,
so the same bottles could be used over and over. So they really were
recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator or
elevator in every store and office building. They walked to the shops and
didn't clirab into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go a few
hundred yarRAB.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the
clothes. KiRAB got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her
day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the
size of the Isle of Wight.
In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have
electric machines to do everything for them.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up
old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.

But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain or tap when they were thirsty instead of using a
cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.
They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and
they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole
razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kiRAB rode their bikes to school instead
of turning their parents into a 24-hour taxi service.
They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to
power a dozen appliances.
And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest take-away.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful old people were
just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
 
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After
the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock
on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his
leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris
is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to
further coupling which is again successful after which the
octogenarian biRAB her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for sluraber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a
man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with
guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a
great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here
already?"
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every
once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot
hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick
me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make
the best of it ?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with
my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my
fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give
me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
.
.
 
3 cowboy mice are sat one evening around the camp fire, drinking beer and talking about how tough they are:

The first mouse says "I'm so tough that just yesterday, I ran out of my hole in broad daylight just to look for food"

The second mouse says "I'm so tough that just yesterday, I found a mousetrap. I triggered the trap, and when that spring-loaded bar was about to snap my neck, I grabbed it and did some bench press with it, before eating the cheese!"

They turn to the third mouse, who is stoking the camp fire with his penis, and he says "I'm bored of hanging with you two, I'm off home to **** the cat again!"
 
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,"What a great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'

He takes off his trousers and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.



The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
 
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