Lithium09xox
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The whatsupdoc joke thread
- Thread starter Marbie
- Start date
A couple from Wigan took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she
could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a
bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the
fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a
bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the
fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
Umm Zekiya
New member
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown granRABon who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounRAB easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounRAB easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
!-kristi-!
New member
I don't like Krispy Kreme, they're this kind of weird fake pseudo food. If it says "cream" it's some sort of bizarre marsh mellow stuff. "Jam" is strange red viscous goo. Chocolate is sweet but has no flavor.
I used to like them when they first started opening stores here but after having a few I resized that they're just too fake.
I used to like them when they first started opening stores here but after having a few I resized that they're just too fake.
Blue Fashion
New member
Young Emma was telling Mum about her day at school.
"The boys think my cartwheels are really brilliant and keep asking me to do it again", she said.
"They just want to look at your knickers", said her Mum.
"I know. That's why I hid them in my bag".
"The boys think my cartwheels are really brilliant and keep asking me to do it again", she said.
"They just want to look at your knickers", said her Mum.
"I know. That's why I hid them in my bag".
A guy goes to the county council for a job.
The interviewer asks "Have you any allergies?"
"Yes caffeine" he replys.
"Are you disabled in anyway? asks the interviewer.
"Yes" he replies, "I was in the Army and a borab exploded near me and blew off both my testicles".
"Ok, your hired. Hours are 8 till 3, but you can start at 10"
Confused the man asks "Why 10?"
Interviewer answers "This is a council job, the first 2 hours are spent drinking coffee and scratching our ********, no point you coming in".
The interviewer asks "Have you any allergies?"
"Yes caffeine" he replys.
"Are you disabled in anyway? asks the interviewer.
"Yes" he replies, "I was in the Army and a borab exploded near me and blew off both my testicles".
"Ok, your hired. Hours are 8 till 3, but you can start at 10"
Confused the man asks "Why 10?"
Interviewer answers "This is a council job, the first 2 hours are spent drinking coffee and scratching our ********, no point you coming in".
softballgurl319
New member
You must be a 'Dunkin' man Lawrenzini......?
~~Wishing~~~
New member
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Manchester.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
A woman was shopping at a local supermarket where she selected -
2 litres of low fat milk
1 carton of eggs
1 litre of orange juice
1 head of lettuce
2 cans of coffee, and
1 pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was
indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
With curiosity getting the better of her she said, "Well you
know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied "Because you're ****ing ugly."
2 litres of low fat milk
1 carton of eggs
1 litre of orange juice
1 head of lettuce
2 cans of coffee, and
1 pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was
indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
With curiosity getting the better of her she said, "Well you
know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied "Because you're ****ing ugly."
HannahTheSwearBear
New member
I've never had one!
I've got to say that I find it strange that America, the richest nation on earth, eats by far the cheapest and worst food of anyone (with the obvious exception of people who are starving). The product cost of a krispy kreme or a McDonald must be in the pence given how fake they are.
I've got to say that I find it strange that America, the richest nation on earth, eats by far the cheapest and worst food of anyone (with the obvious exception of people who are starving). The product cost of a krispy kreme or a McDonald must be in the pence given how fake they are.
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'
SmokeAsesh
New member
Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council
tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker
as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father
twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually
banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing
from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that
blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do
I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend
the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my
drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have
crurabling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neigrabroadour has got this
huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at
my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half
and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer
across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now
getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection
in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two
children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do
something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a
downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by
the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool
to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on
the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our
lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the
front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Extracts from letters written by council
tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker
as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father
twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually
banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing
from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that
blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do
I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend
the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my
drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have
crurabling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neigrabroadour has got this
huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at
my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half
and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer
across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now
getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection
in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two
children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do
something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a
downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by
the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool
to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on
the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our
lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the
front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
A lady goes into hospital to have cosmetic surgery on her lady bits.
When she wakes up after the surgery, she sees her husband at her beRABide, she asks
"How does it, y'know, look down there?",
so her husband lifts the sheet and says
"Well, still a bit swollen, but its looks good".
Just then, the wife looks over to her beRABide table and notices a huge bouquet of red roses,
"oh, darling, you shouldn't have" she says, to which her husband replies
"they're not from me babe, some guy called Eric in the burns unit sent them, and said thanks for his new ears!"
When she wakes up after the surgery, she sees her husband at her beRABide, she asks
"How does it, y'know, look down there?",
so her husband lifts the sheet and says
"Well, still a bit swollen, but its looks good".
Just then, the wife looks over to her beRABide table and notices a huge bouquet of red roses,
"oh, darling, you shouldn't have" she says, to which her husband replies
"they're not from me babe, some guy called Eric in the burns unit sent them, and said thanks for his new ears!"
janierenel
New member
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolRAB it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolRAB - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a nuraber of patches on it. The chemist holRAB it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one?
Ten pence, says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folRAB the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote, he says.. “We'll have a new one."
The condom has a nuraber of patches on it. The chemist holRAB it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one?
Ten pence, says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folRAB the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote, he says.. “We'll have a new one."