The whatsupdoc joke thread

Secretary goes on a business trip to London with her boss and returns four days later with a mink coat. Her husband asks her where she got the coat from and she says - well I played the lottery in London, won 10.000 pound and bought this coat.
He says - you're lucky and look faboulous in it.

A few months later she goes on a business trip to Paris with her boss; after a week she returns with a diamond necklace. Her husband asks her where she got the necklace and she says - I played the lottery in Paris, won 15.000 euro and bought this necklace.
He says - you're lucky and it looks faboulous on you.

She says - I am quite tired from this trip, would you mind running me a bath.

She gets into the bathroom and sees that her husband let only an inch of water into the tub

- Why so little water in the tub ?

- We do not want your lottery ticket to get wet, do we ?
 
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most hanRABome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...

No wait...Sorry...I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...
Never mind.
 
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remeraber that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
 
Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and
engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect
small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus,' they have designed
the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief
won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone
tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that
on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to
turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to
have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased
appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases,
but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners
find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.
 
At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
68,000,000 people are fondling breasts or being fondled - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 Sad person is viewing a chat forum right now.


You hang on in there, Sunshine .........
 
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of
tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook
her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
 
The British Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag.
Extra clothing including hat and gloves.
24 hours worth of food.
De-icer.
Rock Salt.
Torch with spare batteries.
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles.
Empty fuel Can.
First Aid Kit.
Jump leaRAB.

I looked like a right pillock on the bus this morning!
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah seٌor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry seٌor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Seٌor. Sometimes the bull wins."
 
This cold weather is really tough.

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.

Ten seconRAB later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.

"You're coming with me" said the store security guard.
 
A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. had a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the
party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her
husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the Cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home,
put the costume away and got into bed.

Wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of
a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?"
You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my
costume to…………………...."
 
Our lager
Which art in barrels
I will be drunk
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day
Our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The ale and the lager
Forever and ever
Barmen
 
A photo I took of a nice rack of Krispy Kreme Donuts in Penn Subway Station under Madison Square Gardens, NY last October....

Let the salivation begin!!!
 
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