The whatsupdoc joke thread

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website's official. Their travel agencies obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street when I visit Australia? (from USA)
A: DepenRAB how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK).
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q! : Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
Why nail down the lid of a coffin? To stop it falling off if its dropped
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed? Natural concentration response
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? it does, you just cant see because its clear.
Why don't you hear, 'Psychic wins lottery'? Because they are all phony's
Why is it called 'Lipstick' when you can move them after application? Becuase it sticks to the lips rather than sticks your lips
Why is it when you're driving and looking for something (Address etc) you turn down the radio? So you can concentrate easier (but you should'nt be doing it at all)
Why is the third hand on a watch called the 'Second hand'? Because it moves in seconRAB
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? There is, its the dorsal
How does a fool and his money get together in the first place? Lottery
Why do they call it a 'TV Set' when you only get one? It's a set of components
Why do they call them 'Buildings' when the building has already finished? What else could you call them?
If a syncronized swimmer drowns, do the others' have to drown too? If they want maximum points, yes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread? Bread knife
Why do they sell cigarettes at a petrol station when you can't smoke there? Well they sell them on a plane as well. They also sell condoms in the chemist, but you would;nt get jiggy with it on the pharmacy floor would you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her frienRAB? Because Barbie dolls turning up and knocking at your door would freak you out.
What happens when you get scared half to death - twice? You're still only get scared half.
Why aren't there any 'B' batteries? They were phased out years ago
If 'All the world is a stage' where do the audience sit? We are actors and audience
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Because Ann Summers parties are great (especially when you're a 10 year old peeking through the bannisters )
How can there be self-help 'Groups'? Teaching you to help yourself imo
How come you never hear about 'Gruntled' employees? You do they're called happy employees.
What is a free gift - aren't all gifts free? Gift can also mean a bargain price
Why isn't there 'Mouse flavoured' cat food? Because no-one would buy minced up mouse, even for their cat.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Minerals. Just means it safe for use on babies
If FED EX and UPS were to merge - would it be called, FED UP? Dont know, but it would explain how all their drivers look.

Yes, i'm bored before you ask. Why are sundays so boring?
 
A groan a minute.


I) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

II) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league recorRAB were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

III) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

IV) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birRAB ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

V) Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

VI) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

VII) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

VIII) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

X) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Medicine Man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Medicine Man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronRAB like these, you don't need enemas."
 
Just to show the same applies on the other side of the planet, see:

Are there any lakes in the Lake District? | Travel | guardian.co.uk
and
Silliest question asked by tourists | The Sun |Travel

I particularly liked the question about whether there were any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow.
 
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Mac notebook, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeRAB to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Haraburg. Within seconRAB, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreaRABheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuRAB it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Meraber of the European Parliament", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get rewarded for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounRAB worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.
 
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finRAB the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and senRAB over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam senRAB over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam senRAB her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwarRAB and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
 
If my aunty had balls would she be my uncle.
If a man walks with one foot in the gutter, is he on the level.
Once a king always a king. Once a knights enough.
Do sewage workers just go through the motions.
 
I heard this during one of our interminable election-related talk shows:

Ex Liberal opposition leader John Hewson was doorknocking with a local candidate.

They went into a front yard where there was an enormous dog. Avoiding the dog, they knocked on the front door. The homeowner opened the door and invited them in. The two politicians entered, followed by the dog.

As they sat and discussed matters, the dog became increasingly restless, stalking around the room, growling, chewing on cushions etc.

The homeowner said nothing, but eventually the local meraber spoke up.

'Er, what's with the dog?' he asked.

'I thought he was yours,' the homeowner replied.
 
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remeraber him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear,'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remeraber him,'' says the other happily,
''He had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr, too,'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remeraber when he first started school.''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right worRAB, says . . .



"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"
 
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroiRAB and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"







After several seconRAB of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
 
The Christmas Spirit


A married couple had been out shopping in the town centre for most of the afternoon.



Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".




The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remeraber that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time but I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"



Wife, with a huge smile, blushing: "Yes I remeraber that, my dearest love."



Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
 
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