The Shitbird

[Frank]

The mindless hostility of Frank ...

A bird shit in your car because you created an environment which allowed it to do so, and instead of thinking to yourself, "Damn, better roll up the windows next time," you think, "I'm going to kill the Motherfucker," and take action to do so. Sorry, nothing mindless about my hostility.

The pleasure of the thing is that the threadshitters are just too stupid in their hostility to recognize the irony of their actions and realize that what's really being pitted here is them, and that their contribution is necessary to make it work!

Wow . . . that was . . . deep, man. Have you ever, y'know, really looked at your hand?

I could not have done it without them (or without someone else as equally mindless, and hostile, and stupid,) why do you think I insisted it stay in the Pit? They couldn't show up and do their thing if it was in MPSIMS, could they?

Both of my posts in this thread would be entirely appropriate for MPSIMS. They wouldn't have been posted there (as I wouldn't have opened the thread), but they'd be appropriate.

 

[Scylla]

And, if somebody doesn't get it from that, Mhendo shows up and starts almost literally shitting on my truck.

I wasn't even going to contribute to the thread, just like i haven't contributed (i don't think) to any of your past story threads.

But then you spouted bullshit about your truck, so i felt the need to correct your misrepresentation.

What misrepresentation, Shitbird? I said the truck was a ULEV, which is a fact. You responded to my fact with a falsehood.

The ULEV rating is comparative, so all it tells us is that a car with that rating is better than average

What the ULEV actually means is that the car produces 50% or less emissions than the average of that model year which is significantly better than you implied.

Than, you continued to shit on my truck, but again without accuracy.

According to the California Air Resources Board, the 2010 Ridgeline gets a Global Warming Score of 4 and a Smog Score of 5. This is on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is best, and where literally dozens of models get better than 7 on both scores.

My truck is an '06, not a '10. Even if it a was a '10, none of this contradicts my statement that the truck is ULEV. Like I said, Shitbird. You're just shitting on the truck.

Add to that the fact that the Ridgeline, by Honda's own figures, gets a ridiculous 17mpg combined EPA, and it's clear that to claim that this gas-guzzling auto doesn't "shit in his air" is completely idiotic.

MPG is not a measure of emissions you ignorant dissembling shitbird, so... still no.

If that is not enough, we can go further, proving that you're just ignorant asshole shitting all over this thread without good reason. Rather than correcting misrepresentations, you're simply making them.

If an individual wished to comment on the environmental responsibility of my choice of the Ridgeline in a responsible and intelligent fashion, than one would need to know the criteria that went into that choice, the intended usage of the vehicle, and then one might have some data on which to make a judgement.

For example, if I was using the truck to commute 50 miles, one way, by myself, it's not the best choice. I, on the other hand have the truck because I live on large acreage with animals, in the country, and do a lot of hauling. The design of the Ridgeline gives me the usable space of a full size pickup truck bed + an 8.5 cubic foot trunk + an additional aproximate 100 cubic feet of cargo space in the passenger compartment (the rear can be reconfigured for cargo.)

The 4wd allows me to take it around the property offroad. It just so happens that I have a lot of 50 year old poplars that have died or are dying, and a bunch of pine trees that unfortunately have the blight. I've been cutting these down, and using the Ridgeline to haul the wood to be made into shavings and mulch. Then I've been using the Ridgeline to by some nice maples and oaks and a grove of fruit trees that I've planted. I've been doing this, not because I'm a smug environmental wheenie, but to make my property nice. It just happens to work out that I'm using the Ridgeline to recycle and plant trees.

During the week, I use the truck to commute. Roundtrip, my commute is 4 miles.

I bought the truck used, in July '08 when gas prices were going through the roof, and while it had a sticker price of over $40,000, I paid $17,500. So, by buying a used vehicle instead of a new one, I also saved the environmental impact of a new vehicle manufacture.

The roads here rarely get plowed in a reasonable fashion, so the 4wd is useful in the winter as well.

So, not that it is any of your business you ignorant fool, but my purchase and use of my Ridgeline would appear to be a pretty responsible and environmentally laudable choice.

The fact that you are spouting falsehoods from a standpoint of ignorance just so you can act like a smug bastard and shit all over my truck is why you are a shitbird.

 

[Scylla]

Both of my posts in this thread would be entirely appropriate for MPSIMS. They wouldn't have been posted there (as I wouldn't have opened the thread), but they'd be appropriate.

In other words, if it wasn't in the Pit, it would not have attracted a shitbird like you.

....Yeah. I know.


Here's the thing Frank. There are lots of threads all over this board. Lots of times I read things that I don't care about, or don't interest me. At the same time, I realize that other people might like them, or care about them.

Certainly the person that was writing the thread cared about it enough to write it.


Nothing is gained by just showing up and shitting on the thread, other than the personal satisfaction you personally derive from being an asshole to somebody.

I'm really insulting the shitbird by calling you one. You are much worse. The Shitbird has no malice. It's not really trying to be a mean and hurtful asshole You are.

 

[TDN]

I liked it. So what if it wasn't peeing-yourself funny? It was amusing and intriguing. And best of all clean (well okay, not clean clean..). I love people who don't take themselves so seriously, can laugh at their own foibles, and then turn around share with others how silly they were. It's VERY charming and warm human interest type fun. And so WHAT if it's in the pit? Heaven forbid we not be absolutely foaming at the mouth for every thread posted here! with the most nauseating, crude, from-the-mind-of-a-pimply-adolescent-teenage-bo

Thank you. Good post.

I'm reminded of a story that I'm fond of telling about a pregnant woman I used to know. It's not the funniest story ever told, and I'm not the best story teller ever, but nonetheless I find it amusing and I hope that others will find it so as well.

It starts out "So I knew this woman who was, like, in her 14th month of pregnancy."

What happens -- ALWAYS -- is some fanboy wanker buzzkiller will pipe up with "14 months? Women never go past nine months! Are you stupid or something? Don't you know anything about pregnancy?" I will then get a stern lecture on female reproductive biology, accompanied by some put-downs of how ignorant I am about that particular subject.

Thanks for ruining the momentum of my story, asshole. We're all duly impressed with your vast knowledge THAT EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS. The only tiny gaps in your otherwise perfect brain are 1) realizing that there's such a thing as hyperbole, and 2) it's impolite to interrupt a storyteller. I bow to your superior brain, though I'm hardly impressed with your social skills.

Scylla, not that I'm doubting the veracity of your story. I found it quite amusing. Thanks for telling it.

 

[VunderBob]

Scylla, the feathered rodent perp was actually a foo bird. Everyone knows if the foo shits, wear it.

 

[Maus Magill]

What you need to do is find the Shitbird's nest and leave him a present.

 

[Vinyl Turnip]

A printed copy of the three-part tale, perhaps.

 

[billfish678]

Not sure where you live, but the Shitbird may have defaced the interior of my wife's car a month or so ago. We were not happy campers. At least it only took a bit of cleaning, and not $165. But apparently little birdies just love Hondas.

Just a warning for you folks that like to keep your windows down. Just wait until a tom cat gets in your car and decides to mark his territory.

 

[Frank]

Certainly the person that was writing the thread cared about it enough to write it.

I'm unclear as to how, after all this time on the board, you believe that any response to a thread other than uncritical and fawning admiration is threadshitting. My responses have been relevant and on point, and the mere fact that they are critical does not--has not ever--constituted threadshitting.

 

[Duke]

Just a warning for you folks that like to keep your windows down. Just wait until a tom cat gets in your car and decides to mark his territory.

It wasn't on purpose, because we have worse in the area...skunks.

 

[Mr. Excellent]

Bravo, Scylla! I always enjoy your Pit threads, and this is another fine addition to the canon.

Just be glad the Shitbird wasn't actually a raven - it might have decided to bring friends to harass you in revenge for the attempted birdicide.

 

[TDN]

I'm unclear as to how, after all this time on the board, you believe that any response to a thread other than uncritical and fawning admiration is threadshitting. My responses have been relevant and on point, and the mere fact that they are critical does not--has not ever--constituted threadshitting.

Oh, for Pete's sake, don't bother. You get a hardon for a fucking bird because you can't be bothered to take the minor effort required to keep birds out of your car. Whoop-de-do.

Really? That was relevant? That was on point?

Look, Frank, normally I like you and enjoy your posts. But you're acting like a jackass and you need to stop.

 

[Frank]

Really? That was relevant? That was on point?

I will leave the windows open to keep the car cool.

...

"I'm going to kill the Motherfucker."

How was it not?

Look, Frank, normally I like you and enjoy your posts. But you're acting like a jackass and you need to stop.

Look, tdn, it's a disgusting story. It's a story of a man who decided to kill an animal merely because it inconvenienced him. I can think of plenty of valid reasons to kill wildlife, but doing it because it shit in his car when he left his windows down is not one of them. If you believe that my response to that story is acting like a jackass, that's your privilege.

 

[Scylla]

Is everyone around here going nuts? I never saw Frank be so ridiculous. And really, Scylla, I think you need to stop engaging with mhendo as he is apparently in some other place. Why is he so upset that your story was in three parts? Is it the heat?

Mhendo got triple raped by the Cookie Monster, Kermit, and Grover simultaneously, while the Count kept score.

Since then anything in 3s has caused a psychotic episode.

 

[phouka]

Just a warning for you folks that like to keep your windows down. Just wait until a tom cat gets in your car and decides to mark his territory.

Quoted For Truth, billfish. On a roadtrip, my perpetually angry kitty, Raven peed in the car. Lesson 1: always keep the cat in her carrier even if she hates you forever.

Terrible smell and it was the middle of summer in Texas, so I decided to leave the window completely down to let it air out. I figured that a) my car was so old and lame no one would be interested in it, and b) even if someone did want to steal it, the odor of cat pee would put them off.

Strangely, the odor did not improve over the next couple of weeks. It got worse. Boxes of baking soda, bottles of enzymes, steam cleaning, none of it helped. I had no idea what was going on until I came out early this morning and saw a cat evacuate the car after it had clearly evacuated his bladder.

Lesson 2: if something smells like cat pee, and it's freely available, other cats will investigate and decide to add their own message.

My car smelled like cat pee for another two years until I moved to the California desert and could leave the window down and let the car bake in 120 degree heat. There were no cats there because the coyotes ate them all, and for some reason, the coyotes had no interest in my car.

 

[Kayt]

Why is he so upset that your story was in three parts? Is it the heat?

So upset about his story being in three parts? That's what you got from my posts? Are you a fucking moron, or what?

I made one single mention on the three-part nature of the OP, in passing, and said that it seemed a little self-indulgent.

See post 73. And if you want self-indulgent, take a look at all your repetitive blathering about the SUV, completely unrelated to the OP or anything else. And no, I am not a fucking moron. Moron maybe, but currently, not fucking.

 

[TDN]

I have no personal feelings for Scylla (a fact for which he should probably be glad), but I like what little I have read of him (although I feel that the blimp story, while excellent, has become a tad overrated), and I thought this was a classic. If this post gives him a hard-on, so be it - I was entertained.

I was actually really enjoying this thread until the fanboys came in to shit all over it.

Ah, another perfectly good thread ruined. Thanks, guys.

 

[Rand Rover]

Nice how the Threadshitbirds showed up to provide us all with an authentic experience of discovering shit where it isn't really necessary. Since I park my car in a garage, the Threadshitbirds really brought the story home for me. Thanks guys!

 

[Jolly Roger]

On the bright side, I haven't seen the Shitbird since.

Here's the thing, though. If I do, I am going to kill the Motherfucker.

ROFLMAO.

I was once at the Grand Canyon and I bought a couple of sandwiches (chips and soda included) at a lunch stand. So my wife and I sit by the edge of the canyon and are about to eat our lunch when this HUGE squirrel comes along and literally dances on its hind legs in front of us. So I throw it a potato chip. It nibbles on the chip and starts dancing again so I put down my sandwich and start tossing potato chips at this dancing squirrel. Suddenly the squirrel turns around and runs away. I think "oh well, that was interesting" and reach for my sandwich only to see ANOTHER freakishly large squirrel running down the canyon with my frikkiing sandwich!!! I look at my wife, she is laughing her ass off and starts tossing potato chips at me telling me to dance.

Well, at least it took two of them to outsmart me.

They have giant squirrells at the Grand Canyon? Still, thats pretty funny.

A few years ago in front of the Louvre, my wife was feeding the birds crumbs from a piece of bread she had. Of course a dozen birds descend like crazy to feed off of the crumbs....until one landed right next to her and snatched the bread from her hand and flew off. (I swear you could almost hear the bird thinking "Yoink!") Maybe not as funny as the squirrell, but I laughed hysterically.

 

[Rand Rover]

Look, Frank, normally I like you and enjoy your posts.

Really? Wow. Why?