Joke thread part quatre!

Bless her little heart..How sweet..The secret to long life...

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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:,
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”;
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekenRAB, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”;
“Thirty Seven,” she replied .
 
A girl takes her new boyfriend back to her parents house, her mum decides she's going to have a bath and off she goes. A while later the new boyfriend says he neeRAB the toilet. Dad says "she'll be in there for ages, just use the kitchen sink". Boy goes into kitchen, after about five minutes a voice from the kitchen pipes up.......




































"can you bring me some toilet paper please"
 
A £1 coin was thrown onto the pitch during Rangers home game against Kilmarnock at Ibrox on Saturday.
The SFA usually come down hard on this sort of thing but they admit to being confused about this one.
They're not sure whether it was a missile or a takeover bid!!
 
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off- duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto:
'We love to fly and it shows.'

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world.'

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations.'

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'
'
Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair."
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend last night and thought it would be fun to stick grapes up her bum... She didn't say anythign, but she did let out a little wine.
 
Before the honeymoon Kate Middleton had an audience with the Queen. "Momma Whats the secret to a long and happy marriage". Her Majesty replied, Kate I have two pieces of advice to offer you. Firstly please wear a seat belt and secondly please don't **** me orf.
 
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
 
Making a Baby..

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, erabarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing,

'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed,

grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep

to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,

her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for

more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

'Do you mean they actually

chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can

get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs.Smith fainted.
 
I phoned my boss today and told him I couldn't come in as I had a wee cough.

"You have a wee cough?" he said

"Thanks very much boss I'll see you after Christmas" I replied
 
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's hanRABome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
 
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