Joke thread part quatre!

Husband:         I've been thinking we should try and spice up our sex life.

Wife:         What did you have in mind?

Husband:        We should try some S&M.

Wife:         S&M, what's that all about?

Husband:         Well, you wear some latex and I'll wear a gas mask.

Wife:            A gas mask, how's that gonna' turn you on?

Husband:         **********************************
 
Teacher: Wheres your book
Me: At home
Teacher: Whats it doing there
Me: Having more fun than I am
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I was just beat up by a couple of guys who threatened to break my legs if I didn’t pay my rent.

My dad takes monopoly far too seriously.
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With sufficient thrust pigs fly just fine.
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Wife: Im going to brazil what gift do you want
Husband: A Brazzilian Girl
Wife returns home
Husband: Wheres my gift
Wife: Wait nine months.
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You know your drunk when you swerve to miss a tree then realize it’s the air freshener hanging from your mirror.
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Tip: When going through airport customs and you are asked “Do you have any firearms” do not reply with “what do you need”
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***FOR SALE***
100 Tampons for $15
No strings attached
But a limited period only
This is a bloody good deal
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Cleavage is like the sun…. you can look but its dangerous to stare.
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Today is the kind of day where my middle finger is the answer to every question.
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A cop just pulled me over and said “Papers” so I replied “Scissors, I win” and drove off.
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Whenever I say I cleaned my room what I really mean is I cleared a path from my bed to my door.
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When you walk into a spider web you automatically know Kung-Fu
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I hate it when girls make status updates on what they are doing, like im not stalking them already.
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If I ever get arrested my one phone call will be to the police station with a borab threat, no way im spending the night there.
 
Bob the builder walks up to a girl in a club and say's to her " I'm 8 inches long and can go all night" After a couple of drinks, she takes him home with her. The next morning she says to him "You told me that you were 8 inches long could go all night but you were barely 5 inches and lasted only 3 minutes" Bob looks up at her and says " I'm a builder love, that was just an estimate"
 
My friend called me and asked “what are you doing at the moment” I said “Probably failing my driving test”
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Everytime im at a subway I look at the lady and im like “yeah make my sandwich bitch.
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Today I changed my name in my daRAB phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying “I HEARD THAT” The look on his face was priceless.
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Hey whats up
If I tell you will you sit on it
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I lost 323 calories today, ****ing seagull stole my snickers.
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My mom thought she could pull a fast one on me by switching her nuraber to my boyfrienRAB and breaking up with me so I texted back “But im pregnant”
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Before I die I want to buy 4 pigs and paint on each pig 1, 2, 3, 5 and release them all in a shopping mall and watch the guarRAB try and find nuraber 4.
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My neigrabroadours listen to some awesome music….. Whether they want to or not.
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A policeman showed me a picture and said “have you seen this woman” I said “Not since I laid my patio”
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Wikipedia: I know everything
Google: I have everything
Facebook: I know everybody
Internet: Without me you are nothing
Electricity: Keep talking
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I ordered a penis enlarger from ebay last week the seller must think he’s pretty smart the ******* sent me a magnifying glass.
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When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I asked my grandpa what he though about premarital sex.
He told me its not premarital sex if you never get married.
Well played you cheeky *******.
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Last year I was kicked out of a party for wearing nothing but a red T-Shirt, apparently nobody has heard of winnie the pooh.
 
3 women from England, Wales and Scotland walked past a man with no arms or legs sitting on a blanket on the beach.

They approach the man and English lady says, "have you ever been hugged?" "No", said the man, so she gives him a big long hug.

The Welsh lady asks, "have you ever been kissed?" "No", said the man, so she gives him a big long kiss.

Scots lady goes up to the man and asks, "have you ever been really screwed?" "No!", said the man excitedly. "Well", says the scots lady, "you will be when the tide comes in!"
 
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun,several hours later lying in a hospital bed he's approached by a doctor."The good news is your going to be ok.The bad news is there is some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your p**is so i'm going to have to refer you to my sister"."Is she a plastic surgeon ?".replies the hunter."No" says the Doctor,"Shes a flute player.She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*ss in your face".
 
If sex required insurance, who would you go with??

Sex with your wife:            Legal and General
Sex on the telephone:            Direct Line
Sex with your partner:            Standard Life
Sex with someone different:        Go Compare
Sex with a big bird:            More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car:    Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird:            Privileged
Sex with a transvestite:        confused.com
 
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was xxxxing skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
 
A pupil in school puts his hand up and asks the teacheer if he can go and have a **** ..
The teacher immediately tells him that the word he should use is urinate, and then tells him before he can go to the toilet, that he must give her a sentence with the word urinate in it
Tommy thinks for a few moments looks at the teacher and says
Miss urinate, but I rekon if you had bigger tuts you'd be a ten
 
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