LindseyxLovesxyahh
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just chillin. you
Community Thread / Tips and Questions
- Thread starter me me me lalala
- Start date
whitefeathersnpr
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Ben - if it's out there, you'll probably find it at http://www.bigbluelounge.com/
spongebob squarepants
New member
It's a beautiful day, go out and exercise.
B
brandyd7
Guest
Yeah, it kind of reminRAB me of Red Roses by Anne Sexton.
Speaking_Up
New member
kind of ran out of steam, but i restarted it with a more open ended line
yea i get loops off of torrent sites usually. MIDI? eh..not exactly what I wanted, but I guess that's fine hah. What synth/midi thing? I've missed this apparently
pullin out the old username i see...ilu too. I didn't like the trolling at first either to be honest, but the kid brought it upon himself..
pullin out the old username i see...ilu too. I didn't like the trolling at first either to be honest, but the kid brought it upon himself..
TojesDolan, I really liked the way you wrote your story. It was very poetic, although at times the sentences seemed a little too choppy and broken for prose....it could sometimes obstruct the reading flow and might make less intelligent readers a little lost, confused, and frustrated.
In terms of actual suggestions for change, I found none that actually had to do with the ideas of the story....but there were a lot of spelling and grammar errors that I've quoted, underneath them I also wrote what I would suggest changing them to. This is going to be fairly long...so brace yourself, and I apologize to anyone else in this thread for such a long post.
Crazy doesn't need a capital, too broken. Maybe try something like "Amazing guy, I recall that he listened to very crazy music."
I'd replace "that" with "very."
effective
I'm not sure the exact ettiquette for putting those dot things, I use them quite often. I know for a fact that you don't need a capital on indifferent. I think it might be more like "so...indifferent."
breath
substitute "meant" for "bound."
Run-on sentence? Substitute "know" for "knew." "numerous group" doesn't really work, maybe try... and he invited a large group of people, or, he invited numerous people...anything like that.
Misusage of that phrase. I know what you are trying to say, I think something along the lines of "But that's irrelevent" would work better.
Fifteen should be capitalized.
Either use only perioRAB, or only comma's....I don't understand your reasoning to seperate rich and successful with a comma, then seperate successful and happy with a period. You can keep it that way if you really want.
"What hadn't he done yet?" would work better, although I understand how "he hadn't" could work. You could also change it to something like "What he hadn't done yet, you ask?" to make it more useable.
Hmm...now I'm wondering why I originally jotted this down as an error...maybe use a comma between mind and always.
...died from natural reasons. Not for natural reasons.
Beautiful has a U.
The first sentence doesn't make sense. Ms. Dukofny is a women, yet the main character (not the narrator) is called "his neighbour", it should be "her neighbour." Also, "stupid music" is a little lame, "loud" "raucious", or anything like that would work. Found a man unconcious. He had survived.
Hmmm....I don't like the "most", maybe "longest" or something like that. Most time possible doesn't work very well.
He was not going to give up.
"Shave" should be "shaver", and "the power" is a little childish....the power outlet?
Please don't call the reader an ignorant idiot for not knowing what you mean by some strange symbol/metaphor. "Plugged the razor.." should maybe be "Plugged in the razor" or "Plugged the razor in"...although you already mentioning him connecting it to "the power."
Why use both a comma, and a period? I would suggest choosing one or the other.
That sentence works, but perhaps just "Upset as he was,"
ice cream
sits, or sat.
Didn't you already party with him? Or is this one of those non-linear things?
not trying too hard,
He inhaled, and the cigarette fell (you could add "from his lips" as well).
He looked at me...as if he had never seen a person before. That would make more sense.
WTF? Why a big underlined "I do" that doesn't seem to fit anywhere?
He opened his eyes as wide as the brighest November dawn, like the sun hiding from the moon...like the sheep running from the wolf. (those are also two way different similies, brighest November dawn seems happy, sheep running from the wolf seems unhappy).
You say you left the park twice. Leaving the park, I threw my cigarette on the ground, and once again, checked my list. I had completed todays assignment. I can sleep peacefully tonight. (as a suggestion for change).
So that's everything I picked out. As you can see, mostly spelling and grammatical errors. I thought it was very well written besides those. No suggestions for actual plot changes or anything like that.
In terms of actual suggestions for change, I found none that actually had to do with the ideas of the story....but there were a lot of spelling and grammar errors that I've quoted, underneath them I also wrote what I would suggest changing them to. This is going to be fairly long...so brace yourself, and I apologize to anyone else in this thread for such a long post.
Crazy doesn't need a capital, too broken. Maybe try something like "Amazing guy, I recall that he listened to very crazy music."
I'd replace "that" with "very."
effective
I'm not sure the exact ettiquette for putting those dot things, I use them quite often. I know for a fact that you don't need a capital on indifferent. I think it might be more like "so...indifferent."
breath
substitute "meant" for "bound."
Run-on sentence? Substitute "know" for "knew." "numerous group" doesn't really work, maybe try... and he invited a large group of people, or, he invited numerous people...anything like that.
Misusage of that phrase. I know what you are trying to say, I think something along the lines of "But that's irrelevent" would work better.
Fifteen should be capitalized.
Either use only perioRAB, or only comma's....I don't understand your reasoning to seperate rich and successful with a comma, then seperate successful and happy with a period. You can keep it that way if you really want.
"What hadn't he done yet?" would work better, although I understand how "he hadn't" could work. You could also change it to something like "What he hadn't done yet, you ask?" to make it more useable.
Hmm...now I'm wondering why I originally jotted this down as an error...maybe use a comma between mind and always.
...died from natural reasons. Not for natural reasons.
Beautiful has a U.
The first sentence doesn't make sense. Ms. Dukofny is a women, yet the main character (not the narrator) is called "his neighbour", it should be "her neighbour." Also, "stupid music" is a little lame, "loud" "raucious", or anything like that would work. Found a man unconcious. He had survived.
Hmmm....I don't like the "most", maybe "longest" or something like that. Most time possible doesn't work very well.
He was not going to give up.
"Shave" should be "shaver", and "the power" is a little childish....the power outlet?
Please don't call the reader an ignorant idiot for not knowing what you mean by some strange symbol/metaphor. "Plugged the razor.." should maybe be "Plugged in the razor" or "Plugged the razor in"...although you already mentioning him connecting it to "the power."
Why use both a comma, and a period? I would suggest choosing one or the other.
That sentence works, but perhaps just "Upset as he was,"
ice cream
sits, or sat.
Didn't you already party with him? Or is this one of those non-linear things?
not trying too hard,
He inhaled, and the cigarette fell (you could add "from his lips" as well).
He looked at me...as if he had never seen a person before. That would make more sense.
WTF? Why a big underlined "I do" that doesn't seem to fit anywhere?
He opened his eyes as wide as the brighest November dawn, like the sun hiding from the moon...like the sheep running from the wolf. (those are also two way different similies, brighest November dawn seems happy, sheep running from the wolf seems unhappy).
You say you left the park twice. Leaving the park, I threw my cigarette on the ground, and once again, checked my list. I had completed todays assignment. I can sleep peacefully tonight. (as a suggestion for change).
So that's everything I picked out. As you can see, mostly spelling and grammatical errors. I thought it was very well written besides those. No suggestions for actual plot changes or anything like that.
here to go
New member
happy easter
SheWhoWatches
New member
I don't get seen as odd by my frienRAB really because I like the same stuff they like as well as all my other stuff. They're generally pop-punk/emo/metal/alternative/whatevers trendy in rock fans and I do like that stuff but then I also like jazz, funk, soul, prog of all kinRAB, classical, indie and pretty much everything else so I'm ok as far as that goes.
stewiegriffin
New member
and your still alive?
Who here likes Thursday? They are definately one of my favorite banRAB I love Geoff Rickly's voice and the way they write their lyrics just senRAB me into a state of deep thought and inspiration. I love how they stray away from the typical format of verse 1, chorus, bridge, verse 2, chorus. Their music is extraordinarily well written and the way they put it together just leaves me in awe. It just never gets old. Their talent just seems to me to be left unchecked.
Mariah Chante
New member
No, their songwriting blows. Sorry.
amazon dot com buyer...
New member
I'm looking for a new band... had two previous attempts that died on their arses for different reasons - I want the third to work, so it's taking time. Problem is, there are hardly any drummers in this part of the world... or bassists, come to think of it.