Understand that women tend to be insecure. Because they are, they are controlling, as well. They're deepest fear is that they're going to lose you; so they set out to control literally everthing in your life. They don't know that they are actually pushing the man away. You have to work around a controlling wife. Don't let her get a stronghold. Be the best husband you can be, and let that be enough.
When you know you've done a good job, don't let her gripes bother you. You can say something like: "I know it isn't up to your standards, sweetheart; but I'm satisfied, so I'll go with that". Don't say it in a nasty way, say it in a nice way and walk away. When she asks for your help and it's not good enough, don't worry about it. You've done the best you can do, and you can't do better than that. In other words, don't let her insecurity make you question yourself. The problem is her, not you. And you are correct: it's not just your wife. A good example of how a man deals with a controlling woman is the sitcom, 'Everybody loves Raymond'. Raymond's father keeps his controlling wife in line, by understanding that nothing he does is going to please her. Although he loves her, he does whatever he wants to do, since he knows she's going to complain about it anyway. That's pretty much how you have to feel about your wife. You can love her to death, but you have to know that she's insecure and don't let it ruin your day. You might even find the humor in it. If she gripes, she gripes. Life goes on. Take care.