Whew it's hot out here! Summer Mini-Rants

[Shot From Guns]

Nah, I'm planning on jumping straight into whoring.

Do you give discounts for referrals? I'm trying to figure out what to get my boyfriend for his birthday.

And if you scroll up, you'll find yesterday's first (and far superior, really) rant.

By my forum clock (CDT, which I would assume counts as Official Forum Time for a board for a column based out of Chicago), your post was made "Today, 12:24 AM." So I was assuming it was a lead-in to two rants today, as opposed to the second of two rants yesterday. If that makes any sense.

 

[nachtmusick]

Do Major League Baseball players have to spit unceasingly while they are at the ballpark? I know, I know; they all chew tobacco; but that excuse doesn't make the spectacle any less stomach-turning. The TV networks insist on filling in all the down-time in a typical baseball game with close-ups of the pitcher, fielders, coaches, batter, and dugouts. Each and every close-up of each and every person either begins or ends with a stream of sputum. I don't understand how it is that both dugouts aren't ankle-deep by the seventh-inning stretch.

Watching a single guy spit doesn't bother me much, but watching two hours of non-stop spewage has become more than I can stand. I'm going to have to give up watching the sport.

 

[Cat Whisperer]

I know I need to get the fuck out of here. I don't know how to solve this problem. Seems like just going to a different, stupid job would simply mean transfering this stupid bullshit for different stupid bullshit. I don't know what, if anything, I would actually LIKE to do. And at this point, I can't imagine being paid a living wage for what I would like to do. I'm 41 and going back to school for a graduate degree seems like a very expensive option that may get me a more interesting job, but a sucky financial situation in the end (ie - debt). All I see is a series of crap options that all suck. I feel trapped.

Insert 43 instead of 41, and I could have written this post. I feel like I'm going around in a circle in my head, going from non-viable option to the next non-viable option.

 

[overlyverbose]

I love working with you ladies - you're the only voice of sanity in this otherwise whacked-out department. But, goddammit, DO NOT ask for my assistance in making our product marketing more interesting, only to revert to the same boring old shit we've been regurgitating for the last two years. Honestly, these pieces sound the damn government wrote them again.

No, we do NOT need to describe government entitlement programs like Medicare in detail every fucking time we write a piece, down to the various phases of drug coverage. Medicare and every damn plan that markets to our target audience does that. And why you feel it necessary to ask, "Well, we do help people with government programs, but do we really help ensure people understand government resources? I mean, not everyone who talks to us will get it." No, we can't 100% say, "Everyone who talks to us understand government programs as a result of talking to us." But we can say that we make every effort to ensure that's true. What, you want me to have our customers take a test on government entitlement programs before you get off the phone with them to make sure we can say that?? Jesus Christ on a cracker, this is way too much. It's marketing, dammit. You can market if the people you're marketing to are asleep. Fuck.

 

[Shot From Guns]

You've been cramping on and off for a week now. Do you think you could just get over it already? All this ibuprofen can't be good for my stomach.

Only charlatans and self-hating homosexuals say "sammich".

For someone who's so touchy about a word, you sure do mis-punctuate your sentences. Or you're from the U.K., in which case your CJ would probably explain this irrational hatred of "sammich."

Also, Shot, I agree there is nothing wrong with shiny objects. As long as they're attached to boobs in some way.

Does nothin' for me.

And as long as they're not fish hooks.

BRB making myself a fishhook bra.

1. Wimbledon does not have T in it. And it sure as fuck isn't "Wimpleton."

I would attend Wimpleton. I would attend Wimpleton so hard.

Does ANYBODY know what Standard time means?

I just had this problem. Fortunately, knowing the quality of people who work in corporate America, I was able to safely assume that "CST" meant "CDT, and please reserve me a drool cup."

Man, my cousin is the same way. He's eighteen, or was last time I checked, but he might as well still be ten for all the crap he plays with. No academic or professional motivations, just dicks around with his video games. It's enough to disgust me, and I'm an unapologetic gamer myself.

I'll trade you for my cousin. He's, uh, 25? (younger than me but older than my brother, so 24-27), never finished high school (although maybe he got his GED--I can't remember if he ever completed what he was working on), and recently knocked up his apparently batshit-crazy and stupid girlfriend (whom, thank god, he has no intention of marrying).

 

[Wile E]

...

I like my soft palate intact, thanks.

But they're so acute!


[sub]Sorry, I needed some pun therapy. You are an innocent victim. I apologize.[/sub]

 

[Cat Whisperer]

I feel your pain, Chimera (well, mine was my stomach, not my shoulder). Almost a year of daily stomach pain before the doctor figured it was probably IBS, and something I'm eating is triggering it (I think I've figured it out - mustard and black pepper seem to be my triggers). Pain when I ate, pain when I was hungry, pain when I woke up, pain when I went to bed, pain waking me up in the middle of the night. It just grinds you down. Sending pain-soothing thoughts your way.

 

[Rigamarole]

At work, yes, but remember, caller ID only works to identify people if their names actually come up. "Cell phone NE" doesn't really narrow it down.

That's why you program your contacts into your phone... and why would you not have it at home anyway? Get with the times.

 

[Chimera]

Stupid Back and Neck.

I ended up calling in sick today because my upper back, neck and right shoulder and arm are hurting so much that there is no way I would have been able to be nice to people on the phone or even sit at my desk for eight hours. I've been sucking down 2-3 ibuprofin every 4 hours and 2 doans every 6 hours, and it still hurts like hell.

This was on top of my carbon monoxide detector going off (3 loud blasts, 3 sequences of that) at 12:57am this morning, waking me from a solid sleep...then nothing. Originally thought it was a fire alarm, so I was up for a little bit seeing if there were alarms in the halls (no), or other people going outside or whatever. Nope, just mine. For no explainable reason - I had a window open in my bedroom and a fan blowing IN, so no way there was any carbon monoxide going on. We don't have forced air anything, so nothing coming from anything IN the apartment. Had the maintenance guy check it out today, batteries were fine and nothing wrong with it, so no freaking clue why it went off.

Then at 5am, my cat decided to MAKE A LOT OF NOISE for the third time since the alarm thing, having woken me up each time. The previous two times, the moment I snarled at her she stopped. Not this time. I had to get up and go after her, which led to her freaking out and hiding under a chair.

So all in all, I got about four hours of sleep, interrupted four separate times, the first time with a very loud alarm, and the last time waking me up about an hour and a half before my alarm and rendering me incapable of getting back to sleep.

Then there's that whole fucking PAIN thing.

Not a happy day.

 

[Shot From Guns]

I prefer sangwiches, myself.

Is that hopeful or bloody?

 

[Shot From Guns]

Cat... Do I want to know why your current title is "Ass mode"?

 

[Chimera]

Dear Comcast;

A hearty fuck you for losing my internet last night. For some dumb reason it suddenly dropped to slower than dial-up speeds, then I lost the whole thing. Being a tech support person myself, I immediately set out to figure out if the problem was on my end. At that point, the modem decided to stop working. I unplugged it and let it sit overnight. Got up this morning, reconnected everything and had working cable, but no internet.

Called you folks. Your automated system reset the modem again. Still no internet. Advised to power cycle the modem for about the 50th time, did so, still no internet. Tech guy looks at my connection, says everything is fine, but suspiciously, at that exact moment, my internet came flooding back at full speed.

I'm not blaming him. I'm a tech, I know how it goes. He probably noticed something mucked up and fixed it. Or maybe it's just a coincidence, because god knows I've seen enough of those on my job.

But this isn't the first time something like this has happened. You bastards seem to have a history of my internet connections blowing out or down to telegraph morse code speeds ON SATURDAY NIGHTS. Fucking knock it off. Do your maintenance bullshit some other night.

 

[Cat Whisperer]

Sure! I like Craig Ferguson. I should change it to "Robot Skeleton Army."

 

[Shot From Guns]

But they're so acute!

Stop being obtuse.

[sub]You are an innocent victim. I apologize.[/sub]

Sounds like someone deserves some... punishment.

 

[Shot From Guns]

Fucking mosquito bites fucking argghhhhhhhhhh WANT TO SCRATCH NOWWWWWWW

 

[niblet_head]

Oh, sure, big guy with your technical mumbo-jumbo and your solutions.

Why don't I have it at home? Because it costs money! Why pay $6.95 a month, every month, when two scenarios are cheaper... so much cheaper that they're actually free:

1. You tell me who you ARE ("Hi, niblet, it's Bob.")
2. You wait until my answering machine picks up and you tell me who you ARE ("Hi, niblet, it's Bob. Again!")



(Now, where'd I put the Geritol?)

 

[descamisado]

I'm watching "Parking Wars" on tv*, and I'd like to send a big raspberry out to the attendees of the big Baptist convention who got all offended and huffy and self-righteous when they all got tickets because they were all parked in a no-parking zone. Your reward might be in the next life, but in this life, you still have to obey the signs.

There's a church that moved in the building across the street from me about three years ago that thinks just because their asses are parked in pews for God their cars don't have parked in spaces for others. They put parking cones in spots to hold, double park and park in the bus stop (to the point the bus could barely pick up and drop off passsengers), all of which no one else can do. They also hold some kind of service at least twice a week. if not more.

Once, when I called the cops about the double parking (they were blocking me in), one of them actually said to the cop that it should be okay because they were having a youth ministry program and were at least keeping the kids off the street. Really? My neighbor has a curfew for his teenagers of 10:00pm weekdays, so should he be able to park in the bus stop?

 

[thirdwarning]

My kitchen is halway through a renovation - i don't HAVE my pantry back yet. I washed the pile of dirty towels in the bathroom and no slippers... but if i buy a pair they'll be found.

Not until you cut the tags off and get them dirty.

 

[Shot From Guns]

They are apparently not checking to see if their fax machine is working or not. The pharmacy has faxed the request three times now and I checked to make sure it's the right number, so it's the clinic idiots who can't get this straight.

So... why are you still faxing the prescription? Clearly if they haven't gotten it right yet, they're not going to. It's extra hassle on you and you shouldn't have to, but at this point it seems like your best option is to have the pharmacy actually hand you a physical copy of the script, which you can then carry to the clinic yourself.

 

[Guinastasia]

This fucking heat and humidity is absolutely disgusting. I'd like to be able to open my window, at least at night, so I have a nice breeze blowing into my room. (My bed is smack up against the window, so it feels really, really nice while I'm sleeping)

But no, the house is all shut up, curtains closed to keep it cool and dark, we're running the AC 24/7, and it's just so fucking hot and sticky out. I hate this weather.


(Don't get me wrong -- I like summer time. But I like nice cool breezes, and fresh air, not this hot, sticky humid mess)