Agnostic Front
New member
Well, we'vebeen punching above our weight since Henry VIII.
Who knows - what goes around comes around
Who knows - what goes around comes around
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The whatsupdoc joke thread
- Thread starter Marbie
- Start date
Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Fiore Sanguinante
New member
Good one!
lizroswelluk
New member
Four Liverpool players were playing football with a hedgehog in our local park today.
I was really disgusted and just about to phone the RSPCA when the hedgehog scored and went one-nil up!
I was really disgusted and just about to phone the RSPCA when the hedgehog scored and went one-nil up!
A group of Pikeys turned up at the pearly gates. The messenger asks them to wait while goes to St. Peter to ask if he can allow them to enter.
St. Peter tells the messenger to let them wait a little, so he goes down, and a few minutes returns to St. Peter breathless and shocked ............
"They've gone, sir?"
"All of them?"
"No sir, not the Pikeys, the gates ............"
St. Peter tells the messenger to let them wait a little, so he goes down, and a few minutes returns to St. Peter breathless and shocked ............
"They've gone, sir?"
"All of them?"
"No sir, not the Pikeys, the gates ............"
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.
It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.
It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Tasmania .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual durab
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stanRAB on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.. and all in the name
of humour!'
The erabarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!'
a show in a small town in Tasmania .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual durab
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stanRAB on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.. and all in the name
of humour!'
The erabarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!'
A large woman,wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man
here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business and none of mine if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has just got to
be a ballerina! '
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man
here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business and none of mine if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has just got to
be a ballerina! '
thetazeta610
New member
Puns for Educated MinRAB
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian ..
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boarRAB an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to frienRAB, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
ten did.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian ..
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boarRAB an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to frienRAB, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
ten did.
nerdy_boyluv
New member
And then what did the dummy say to her?
me me me lalala
New member
Three frienRAB married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he passes water.
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he passes water.
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great arabition to be a great shot...
‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will '
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm really learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great arabition to be a great shot...
‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will '
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm really learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
BDylanLUVR
New member
A transvestite who hailed from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.
twilight fan11
New member
Why nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you hear, 'Psychic wins lottery'?
Why is it called 'Lipstick' when you can move them after application?
Why is it when you're driving and looking for something (Address etc) you turn down the radio?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the 'Second hand'?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
How does a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why do they call it a 'TV Set' when you only get one?
Why do they call them 'Buildings' when the building has already finished?
If a syncronized swimmer drowns, do the others' have to drown too?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they sell cigarettes at a petrol station when you can't smoke there?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her frienRAB?
What happens when you get scared half to death - twice?
Why aren't there any 'B' batteries?
If 'All the world is a stage' where do the audience sit?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How can there be self-help 'Groups'?
Who come you never hear about 'Gruntled' employees?
What is a free gift - aren't all gifts free?
Why isn't there 'Mouse flavoured' cat food?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If FED EX and UPS were to merge - would it be called, FED UP?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you hear, 'Psychic wins lottery'?
Why is it called 'Lipstick' when you can move them after application?
Why is it when you're driving and looking for something (Address etc) you turn down the radio?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the 'Second hand'?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
How does a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why do they call it a 'TV Set' when you only get one?
Why do they call them 'Buildings' when the building has already finished?
If a syncronized swimmer drowns, do the others' have to drown too?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they sell cigarettes at a petrol station when you can't smoke there?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her frienRAB?
What happens when you get scared half to death - twice?
Why aren't there any 'B' batteries?
If 'All the world is a stage' where do the audience sit?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How can there be self-help 'Groups'?
Who come you never hear about 'Gruntled' employees?
What is a free gift - aren't all gifts free?
Why isn't there 'Mouse flavoured' cat food?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If FED EX and UPS were to merge - would it be called, FED UP?