The Shitbird

At the start, with the Moderator Admonition, I thought this was going to be an elaborate metaphorical story about your rage for another poster. I was still trying to figure out what your beef with Kanicbird or another avian poster was, and what rage you must be feeling to metaphorically describe their attacks as vertical shitting.

I think perhaps the answer is much more clearer and literal than that which I was thinking.
 
GHO57 said:
At least the bird doesn't hate you enough to commit suicide. I've got kamikaze birds. I'll be sitting down watching TV... and *BOOOM!!* a bird flies into the window.
Click to expand...

Supposedly putting something on the window, usually a bird silhouette will cause even the meanest bird brain to know it can't fly through.
 
VunderBob said:
Scylla, the feathered rodent perp was actually a foo bird. Everyone knows if the foo shits, wear it.
Click to expand...

Damn you! *shakes fist* I wanted to make that joke.

Being and animal lover I do not condone shooting birds.


Except for roadrunners.
 
It's not the cost, really. It's the ignominy of having been goaded into becoming the architect of my own denouement, by a fucking bird.

It's walking back into your house and having your wife ask you "So, did you get it?"

I am generally a pretty good liar, or at least adept at spinning circumstances in such a manner as to reflect favorably on my behalf. However, the discharged pellet gun, the broken mirror, and the lack of a dead bird left me little opportunity for dissembling.

I do not enjoy having to explain to my wife what an idiot I am.


At the car dealership, they see the mirror. It looks exactly like the mirror got shot with a pellet gun. "Looks like somebody shot your mirror with a pellet gun. What happened?" they ask.

The shame of that question is much larger than you would think.

If you try to lie, than you have to admit to yourself, that not only are you an idiot to stupid to figure out the possible consequences of shooting at a mirror, not only are you such a terrible shot that you can't hit a sitting bird at 25 yards with a scoped pellet gun, you are also such a weasel that you can't even admit it.

So, I tried to downplay it. Which of course, made it more interesting.

"Yeah, I guess it got shot."

"Do you know who did it?" they ask.

"Yeah, I do. It was an accident, though."

"Huh! Some accident. What are they doing shooting pellet guns at your car? I hope they are going to pay you for it."

"Yeah, well, umm [sub]I kinda was the one who shot it[/sub]

"Oh," and then there's that uncomfortable silence where they kind of look at you the way your wife did when you tried to weasel out of admitting it.


On the bright side, I haven't seen the Shitbird since.


Here's the thing, though. If I do, I am going to kill the Motherfucker.
 
This bird upset you enough to pull you away from a Robicheaux novel?

Man, you were pissed.
 
First, the Ancient Mariner killed an albatross, not a seagull.

Second, when you stare into the Shitbird, remember, the Shitbird stares into you.
 
Jackmannii said:
Preview: Scylla shoots the Shitbird.

All is calm for a week, and then Scylla walks out to his truck, only to find that several members of PETA have taken a dump in it.

Scylla grabs his handy SKS rifle, and waits...
Click to expand...

SKS is overkill. Air rifles best for shitting birds. No pissed off neighbors.
 
Scylla said:
In point of fact, the Honda Ridgeline is a ULEV, an "Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle."

So, no.
Click to expand...
Actually, yes.

The ULEV rating is comparative, so all it tells us is that a car with that rating is better than average. All cars, whether they have a ULEV rating or not, still put shit into the air.

According to the California Air Resources Board, the 2010 Ridgeline gets a Global Warming Score of 4 and a Smog Score of 5. This is on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is best, and where literally dozens of models get better than 7 on both scores.

Add to that the fact that the Ridgeline, by Honda's own figures, gets a ridiculous 17mpg combined EPA, and it's clear that to claim that this gas-guzzling auto doesn't "shit in his air" is completely idiotic.

But at least it might justify having this lame, MPSIMsy tale in the Pit.
 
Back
Top