So.... I am training for THE BATTLE

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You know, Sub is right. I have pills in my house too. I do the same thing he does. I don't take them. I look at them and get mad as well. Sub, are you a Taurus? LOL!!!

You do not need to feel ashamed for anything, Secrets!!! You are stronger than you think, because you are not using right now. As bad as the cravings get, you aren't using. That tells us that you are very tough!!! You are also very caring and compassionate person who helps everyone out. We all want you to know that we are here for you. We are just going to take one day at a time, that is all we can do. Hang in there, sweetie!!!!
 
Yes, you are so right! I am 25 for another couple of days. I turn 26th on April 1st.

You are right on the fact that I have my whole life ahead of me and I don't want to bow it. I want babies and I want them soon!! hahah Baby fever big time. However, I know i need more time to recover from this and also for hubby and I to get our finances in order.

I REALLY have been trying to find the courage to attend a meeting.... I am such a CHICKEN..... I have a hard time with the thought of looking at a real life person and saying... I AM AN ADDICT... let alone telling my family because my husband would certainly need to know where I am running off too.. I have to find the strength in order to beat this.. I am digging deep and making big steps but I need to make that big leap.

Thanks again for your worRAB! So are you sticking around the addiction board or what?? hahhahhaha Let me know!
 
:):wave:thought i would check in hope all is well . been taking a break from computer . as i said before it can get addicting its 1200 am . keep hanging in there. scott
 
Emsmom,

I see you are still up too.. Just wondering what you thought of the update below and if you think I should go ahead with my plan for tomorrow. Your worRAB really really hit me just where i needed them to in your earlier post so thank you for them!
XOXOXOOXXOX
 
Thanks for sharing all of that. You have given me a lot to think about! Let me give this some good thought and then I will think about it again like you said and then..... I will get back to you. I think this may be what I need to figure out why I have not told him...... Thank you again!
XOXOXOX
 
Hi Secrets,

Not to sound like the bad guy, however I feel as though you're putting yourself in a position to relapse. I understand if you cannot tell your mother about your addiction, trust me I understand. I couldn't tell my parents for THE longest time. Eventually I did and I was so surprised by their reaction (they were supportive, cried for me, told me they loved me and would help any way they can) however, it's not all candies and lollipops with every family, is it? :)

So, here's the harsh part...

You are going to her house, knowing your drug of choice will be there, however you haven't taken any steps to protect yourself. To be honest my friend, we can tell ourselves a million times "I won't touch those pills" before you get there, but you know as much as I know that it is going to be SO tempting, so is there anything, anything at all you can do to protect yourself? Perhaps, instead of telling your mom about your addiction, you could bring up that conversation you had last year - tell her you "might" have had an addiction to those pills, but really aren't sure, so ask her to put them away somewhere. Tell her it would make you feel more comfortable if they were "out of site, out of mind" - that way you won't even have to think about them being around. The resource won't be there anymore.

Now, if you do have this conversation with your mom, it may open that door a little, just enough for you to peak in at her reaction if you ever "did" tell her everything.

Just a thought, but I'm concerned about you protecting yourself. Having pills just sitting there, is NOT a good idea when you're so early into your recovery.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mom - keep in touch, let us know how everything goes :)

Love emsmom
 
Dear Secrets,

First of all Congrats!!! I am SO proud of you for talking to your mom. I understand the weight that is carried when holding something in of this magnitude. You've opened the door to that conversation (with your mom), and it's in your hanRAB if you ever want to take it any further :)

Second of all, I'm sorry I didn't read your previous post to me (asking my opinon last night) - If I'm up in the middle of the night, I usually read everyone's post's only once. Plus, you're like a social butterfly - You write so often, it's hard to keep up with you! I do admire your way of writing, though. There is a flow of eloquence and compassion in your worRAB, yet with genuine sincerity. So, please don'tbe offended at my "social butterfly" comment :)

You really have come a long way, Secrets. I think you're on a great road to recovery, with a good head on your shoulders. You almost always seem to spin any situation into a positive one, and that's definitely not always an easy task at hand. I hope you continue down this road, cause I think you're doing a great job :)

As for the NA thing - I tried it, twice in fact. The first time going into those rooms, I was still using Oxycontin, just wanted to put a foot in the door and see "What is this all about?" I didn't actually get clean for almost another year. I went to Rehab last summer (July/August '08), subsequently attending NA meetings. My second time around the rooms, I was not as shy, however I just couldn't get into it. I dreaded sitting in those chairs for an hour or two and eventually stopped going. I still have a sponsor. He completely understanRAB that some people just aren't "the NA type" yet still agreed to be there for me. On occasion, I attend a meeting (his three year medallion, another frienRAB' key-tag pick-up etc.). So for now, I have my addictions Dr. at my local hospital and my addictions counsellor, who I meet with twice a week (or more if I need them).

Now, the reason I told you I do not go anymore, is not to show you that you don't really have to - It's to show you that I tried - It didn't work out for me. Getting the courage to walk into those rooms for the first time was almost impossible for me. However, once I did, I felt so good. I felt welcome, a part of someone else's world, respected and loved. When I said "Hi, my name is 'emsmom' and I'm an addict" for the first time, I was almost crying but everyone made me feel like it was ok. Newcomers are always treated delicately, cause that's what newcomers are - delicate, vulnerable flowers (in my opinion).

Basically, I'm just saying it would be good if you tried NA. Right now, you have these boarRAB, and I can see you're doing so well, however just imagine if NA worked out for you, wouldn't it be great to have another place to go or another set of people to talk to in the event that something else happened down the road?

Of course, if you considered going to NA, you'd have alot more people in your immediate life you'd have to confide in, however it's just a thought. When you decide to make that big leap, we're all here for you, I'm here for you and I look forward to the day you open up to your family - I'm sure it will happen in time my dear :)

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and I hope your grandma is doing ok.

Love and hugs,
emsmom

P.s I think that's the longest post I've ever written. It took me five minutes just to spell-check :)
 
Secrets,

Just want to wish you luck with the cardiologist. I hope everything goes well. Keep in mind that you are vulnerable right now, especially with your grandma being ill. You have to be vigilante - those pills are still at your moms house and you are so early into your recovery. If anything, God forbid, should go wrong with your grandma, those pills are something you may turn to. Just protect yourself, my friend. You're doing great, I'm very proud of you and admire your strength :)

Much love,
emsmom
 
Secrets, this may sound crazy, but this is what I do in situations like that. I still have pain medication in my house. My husband takes it for back pain occasionally. What I tell myself is this. "I want to take those pills, but if I have to take one, I will wait until tomorrow." I say this every day, and it works for me. SounRAB crazy, I know. I do that with food too. If I still want those french fries tomorrow, I will have them. Then, tomorrow comes and I have either forgotten about it or I just say it to myself again. I also tell myself that I have 84 days clean. Do I really want to take one or two pills, and have to start out on day 1 again? Even though I know I won't have withdraws from taking one or two pills, I just don't want to have to say I am starting back at day 1. I have a very competitive nature, so it is a way to prove to myself that I am stronger than the pills.

I am sure we all have quirky things we do to stay clean, or maybe I am just crazy!!

Good luck to you and try not to think about the pills when you are with your Mom.

Hugs to you, TaCot
 
Well, where do I begin??? This is going to get messy! My husband and I almost were divorced 2 years ago and since then I will be honest.... I am completely and utterly insecure! Hence the pain pill addiction to make me feel better.. Now it feels like I am having to deal with all of that again because the pills got me thru the worst of the pain of that. We were a couple that you would have NEVER thought would have been talking divorce... Our frienRAB and family were in utter shock and so was I! Anyways... it got messy and the pills came into play and we did a lot of hard work to save our marriage and now everyday just seems to be an emotional internal fight.... So to me, telling him this is part of my insecurity... I have a problem with disappointing people and I feel like I am constantly putting everyone else first and damaging myself intern but........ I can't seem to change it. I don't even know if any of this made sense or not??? Maybe you can make something of it and set me straight! However, it's not your job to solve my problems but I would be interested in ANYONE'S take on this.... Seriously! I have thick skin and you all are my frienRAB so... let's hear it!
XOXOXOXOX
 
i was told only women where slips if you cant trust yourself. tell her good luck scott:) dont tempt youself .it may be to soon. by telling her it may save your life . as she would know to hide the pills. on the other hand .i hope you dont . if you took enough she would notice . brutel honesty . just do the right thing again good luck. an think about going to meeting now. it can save your life. your not alone anymore you know:):wave:we are here
 
UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH... That was one of the hardest weekenRAB I have had in a long time. My Grandmother is hanging in there.. They found a lot of other major issues that need to be addressed and taken care of... Things are not looking that great right now but it's in God's hanRAB right now.

I appreciate the support of EACH and EVERY one of you. It means so very much to me! I am finally home and back to work so back to my normal routine... Being away from the pills seems to be a massive relief and I can't believe that I seriously got thru all that stress without just taking a couple! Very proud of myself....

Right now I am so tired I feel like I could fall asleep at my desk typing this. Bottom line....

I love you all and wanted to thank you for helping fight this battle!
XOXOXOOXOXOX
 
Just wanted to update. Had the pill talk today because she offered me a percocet for a massive headache I got while we were at the hospital. I declined calmly which BLEW MY MIND and simply said.... Mom, I really want to try and deal with all my headaches and other pain in my body with something just over the counter. I explained to her that she takes them on as as needed basis for something a lot more severe that what I am dealing with so she neeRAB to just keep her pills for herself. So..... she said wow, I am proud of you for being so tough! I won't offer you any again, but if it gets bad enough you can always come to me. I said well, let's put it this way.... My lirab would have to be hanging off my body before I do.. I made it pretty clear and I don't think she suspected much.

What do you all think? I felt like a million bucks after having that talk so thank you guys for giving courage and extra nudge to do so. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!!

I can do this. I deserve this for myself and want to also show others it can be done!

Hope everyone is doing okay!!! Have not heard from a lot of the regulars today....

Sending you all love!
XOXOXOOXXOX
 
Hey you guys!

Thanks so much for checking in with me! SO very sweet of you!

Emsmom, Thank you for saying everything you did to me! It really made me feel not so alone. I KNOW I have to tell him and I know I will and after what you wrote... I think maybe I haven't had the courage or it hasn't been the right time because I have not prepared for it properly. So... that is what I will do. I will prepare myself by doing what you suggested. I am going to write it all down.... then probably burn it... but keep doing it until I know I have the strength to SAY the things I need to say to him. I know it would take 12 million lbs off me if I just got it over with but for now... I will prepare myself.

Insecurity is a miserable thing to live with.. I HATE IT! I never had the feelings of insecurity before our relationship almost ended. I was confident and felt like I was on top of the world.. Then BAM.. fell flat on my face and my world was turned upside down in 10 minutes... I think at times, I still am shocked by it. I know for sure I still hurt over it.. It has gotten better, way better than how I felt 2 years ago.. However, the pain is still real.... but not as raw. One thing I really am going to do is start seeing my counselor again... I think it will help majorly!

Thanks so much for sharing with me and offering that GREAT advice! I appreciate it more than you know!
XOXOXOX
 
Thank you TaCot,

Very good advice! See, all these idea's from you guys and it gives me that much more power over this drug. I am scared one moment and then the next I feel like super woman. The one good thing... She does have a lap top so I will be on here ALL weekend looking for strength and support!

TaCot, thank you for always taking the time to post to me. You are my true friend and I love you so!
XOXOOXOXOX
 
Hey again!

Yes, you are right and I have thought a lot about that recently... of course the addict part of my brain thinks.. " they would make you feel better, give you more energy... blah blah blah" But so far.... I have kept the control over my brain and kept myself very busy... So busy I can barely see straight right now. We just got home from the hospital again and I am going to do a little reading and writing on here and then try to get some MUCH needed sleep. Then back to the hospital... My family originally was having a birthday party for me tonight but obviously there are MUCH larger things at hand to deal with so once we get home tonight from the hospital then my Mom and I are going to pig out on some junk food and I get to open some presents!!!!

My Grandmother is hanging in there but we are far from out of the wooRAB yet which scared me so badly but "my" belief is that it is in God's hanRAB and we just have to keep fighting with her and give her all the love and support she can handle!! hahhaa

Off now to read some more. Thank you again for your worRAB of wisdom because they are wise ones! I am STRONG and yes, vulnerable but it woud seem selfish of me to take some pills to get high when my Grandmothers life is on the line!!!

Thank you for your support! The experiences you went thru are helping me be one step ahead of this so thank you! You have no idea how much it means to me!

So......how have you been holding up..All this talk about me... Let's hear how you are doing! I hope and pray you are doing great!!!

XOXOXOXOX
 
Wow,

You all have my back there is no doubt about it! THANK YOU! It means so much to me. I agree, I do need to come up with a plan and I am going to think long and hard today!!! I do need to protect myself!

I don't have a ton of time to type right at this moment because of work but I will post more when I can. Thank you all. I love you guys! I wouldn't make it without you........
XOXOXOOXOX
 
Secrets,

You did it!!! I'm very proud of you for not taking those pills. You're right, you were under alot of stress this weekend and you could have easily given in to temptation.

I would like to mention something that's been on my mind. So, you made it through this weekend, however there are going to be many more weekenRAB where you find yourself in the presence of pills. God forbid another emergency came up and you had to high tail it to your moms without even thinking. Basically, I'm trying to gently persuade you to have "the talk" with your family. Have you given it any thought this weekend? Did you have any urges to just shout it out to your mom? You have to continue to protect yourself and if that means letting your family know about your addiction, then it's time, don't you think?

I'm sorry to hear your grandma isn't doing so well. You have the right attitude though - It's in God's hanRAB :)

I hope work is going well for you, and I wish you a week full of joy, clean fun and confidence :) You did it, keep doing what you're doing cause you're heading down the right path, my friend.

Love emsmom
 
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