So.... I am training for THE BATTLE

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Hi Secrets, great advice from TaCot. Her method works. I use it all the time for all kinRAB of similar reasons.
I feel for you and the struggle you are having. I believe you can turn it around to your advantage.
As to what happened the last time you were at your mother's, I have a few questions and statements.
Do you feel like you taking the two pills made you stronger in your resolve to beat your habit?
If you are feeling shame, as you know that is not a helpful feeling, right?
Now, when you took them, did they give you the feeling you were expecting? I bet the answer is no.
So, why would you want to take them again?
The world is always going to have pills at your door or in your mother's purse.
I have them in my house as I write. I use them. NOT for pain, I do not ingest them.
I curse them and use them to remind me of how the addiction stole part of my life.
Weird, I know, it works for me. I am so pissed every time I see them. That's just me.
I have relapsed before,...big and just a couple of pills.
The last time I said, "what the hell?" these things suck!
They don't even compare to the wonderful high I have been experiencing since I quit using.
I have read your posts. You are in the right place with the right mind. AND you give.
Trust in what you know to be true and what you believe. Let your soul be your guide and you will be fine. Blessings and best wishes.
 
Thanks you guys! Scott, you are right! I only won that battle, I know there will be thousanRAB more ahead of me but that was a big one for me personally! And Don't worry, I am not going anywhere! This is my home away from home!

Emsmom,

Thank you for being so supportive and for everything you have helped me get thru and I know you are trying to gently persuade me to have the "talk" with my Mom but I just don't know if I could ever do it. It would break her heart into a million pieces and I NEVER would want to be the cause of hurting any of my family. This is something I am going to have to fight.. I am the one who got myself in it, I'm going to have to get myself out of it.... The person I am trying to gain the courage to tell is my husband because I know he would support me but I am so scared... I know it doesn't sound like a very good plan to most of you long timers but it's the best I can do right now. Each day at a time.... Thanks for caring so much!

You guys are all the greatest! I don't know what I would do without this board! I appreciate your support too IZZY'SMOM! Thank you!

I gotta get back to work but I am still fighting the good fight! Hope everyone is doing okay today!
XOXOXOOX
 
Thanks Scott! All the encouragement helps me so much! Makes me want to keep fghting. I feel proud and that helps wth the low self esteem I have been trying to work on.

So.... gosh forbid I ever just keep a post short... hahahhahahaha

THANK YOU! I appreciate your support and I wanted to tell you that I think it's so great you have become such an active meraber on the board! I love it!

Have a GREAT night! How are you holding up?
 
Ok, I know that is a goofy subject title but here is the deal. As many of you know.... I had my slip one month ago because I went on a trip with my Mom and she was organizing her pills and what not and I saw a bottle of... percocet... MY DOC... Anyways.. I slipped, I took 2. I stopped myself from a full on binge and became hard nosed at my recovery again.

Well, this weekend I am going to be visiting my Mother again and I know that bottle will be there and I know I will have a MASSIVE struggle on my hanRAB. I can't and refuse to tell my Mother of my addiction. I will not break her heart. I guess what I am looking for is some support and maybe some tough love???? I don't know.. Moral of the story.... I am scared but also confidant that I can fight this! However, I know the last time I saw that bottle I started shaking.. I need to prepare to face it and was wondering if any of you out that had anything that might string a cord with me.

Thanks you as always for listening to my rarabling. I appreciate ANY replies!

I hope everyone out there is doing great!
XOXOXOXOX
 
Secrets,

I think that's a wonderful plan! Somehow, someway, just inform your mother that you don't want to take any narcotics, and you'd appreciate if she put them away. Enough said - If she questions the inevitable "Why dear?" just tell her you're not comfortable having a strong medication around when you know you can do this with only Ibuprofen. Perhaps, tell her you don't want to be tempted to take Percocet, just to suppress the pain - tell her you want to be a trooper and "take one for the team" :)

I have faith in you! It's obvious you are somewhat concerned about having them at your disposal - so go, have a great weekend with your mom but always know (in the back of your head) that you're still early enough in your recovery, you must protect yourself and be vigilante :)

With love and hugs,
emsmom
 
Heya Secrets,

You're welcome! I can relate to not wanting to tell your mother about your addiction. I never intended for my parents to know, however it was my mom who approached my husband - she noticed I was acting different - they both started their own investigation and eventually took a look at my bank statement. In eight months, I'd taken over $10,000 cash-advance from my Visa. So, my husband approached me and said he "knew something was up and wanted me to spill it."

So, that's how my mom found out - I told her everything but only cause she already kinda knew. Let's face it, $10,000 in eight months? It's gotta be drugs unless I've been out getting a theraputic massage every day lol.

It did break my moms heart to find out her only daughter was addicted to pain pills. I'm 32 years old, but I'm still her little girl. My mom was and still is very supportive of my recovery however I still sometimes wish she hadn't found out. So I understand why you're reluctant to tell her. Who knows, maybe one day you will, maybe you never will. That's your decision and ultimately, it's you that has to make it.

Now, regarding your hubby - What "exactly" is stopping you from telling him? There's gotta be that "one intense reason" why you haven't spilled the beans. Let's start with that :) Think about it, then think about it again - Come back and let me/us know and we'll go from there. You said he would be supportive, and you are such a courageous woman so just remeraber that when you're considering having the talk with hubby.

Have a great day,
Love emsmom
 
Update time! So.... HUGE change in plans. Got a call at work that my Grandma was rushed by the arabulance to the ER and that she was having a heart attack so I flew out of work like a bat out of hell (my mom's mom) My husband had a bag packed for me by the time I got home so I could head straight to the hospital. I got there, luckily she had no heart attack but there are some very severe heart issue's they are starting to find that they are not even to the bottom yet... Anyways, she is stable and hanging in there. I am so thankful for that. I am so close to her that I don't know what I would do if I lost her now. It sounRAB selfish but I am not ready! She is not only my Grandma but I am honored to say she is one of my dearest frienRAB.

Needless to say, I am at Mom's a day early. Took tomorrow off as I knew she would need my help with all of this going on. We just got home from the hospital about an hour ago. Mom went straight to bed she was so exhausted and I was so wound up I could not sleep so of course... I come here. My second home. So get this....... There is a bottle of percocet no more than 100 feet away from me and I have NO URGE to take any. I have bigger things on my miind like my Grandmothers life, my Mothers well being and of course YOU GUYS! I am so proud. I have won today's battle tomorrow I will have that talk like I said I would with her but honestly... we are not even going to be home all day. We will be back at the hospital. I feel a lot of strength and I really think I can do it you guys! I really believe in myself right now! I pray that does not chance (hence the talk about the meRAB with Mom so I have a back up in case I falter)

I just wanted to share with you guys my victory and I wanted to THANK YOU ALL for helping me get here.. Helping me mentally prepare and telling me the truth even when sometimes the truth hurts. I am a brutally honest person (besides me hiding my addiction from everyone in my life) and I appreciate you all telling me the things I NEEDED to hear most. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You all mean more to me than you will EVER know. I will be up for a while... Too worried to sleep so I am sure I will be posting away!

XOXOXOXOOX
 
I never heard anything back from anyone so now i am just fearful you all think I am freakish!! hahahahhaaha
 
Secrets --this is a REALLY big moment. a few years ago the EXACT same scenario caused a relapse for me. I knew the drugs were at the house and were they were. I had enough time to convince myself that I could do it. It consumed me all week. Its all I thought about and sure enough, I slipped and blew my clean time and just the taste got me back into it. Couple suggestions. Do what I did a few years later. I called moms house and told her "hey are you currently on pain meRAB?" she said " only when I need them" I told her that she should hide them or flush them because of the danger they do (say you saw it on dateline or something) or just keep like 5 pills. Then you know that you cant touch them and she knows how much is there or you might not be able to find them at all!!! Nip this RIGHT AWAY and DO NOT go to the house without at least talking to someone about this. You are not strong enough yet to deal with this in your mind.

D
 
Hey Secrets, Let's walk through this one step at a time. Please don't let this bother you too much. You have some living to do, now. We all look back at decisions we make and question why we chose left instead of right. OK, left you went. So,....was it the way you wanted. Yep, at the time it was. what about now?
Let me be brutally honest! I hate when someone says to me "honestly", and then carries on with a lie but, this is not a lie. If taking meRAB, drugs, dope, whatever,....could keep me in that uphoria forever, well then, there I would be, forever!
It can't. Two pills can put us there for a few hours and then what? I don't care what anyone else says about it. It is what I know, you know and everyone else that contributes to this forum, knows.
IT IS TEMPORARY at best.
To some that just fine. To us, well we want more. AND the euphoria or just the simple pleasure you want in your life, you will not find, it is not there, IN a chemical you can ingest into you body.
YOU want more.
So, Secrets go fine it. But it ain't in the pill.
It is waiting for you and once again I say, "the only one you are waiting on, is you".
Relax, go enjoy your mother, share you time with her.
If you can, tell her. Holly is right in her perspective with good insight to be considered.
Go enjoy your time with your mother and don't think about anything else. Blessings.
 
Sub,

What a post. Goose bumps again.. Jeez you people are going to turn me into a crying mess at my desk!! hahaha

To answer some questions you asked. I do not feel taking the pills helped me feel stronger in recovery because I DID enjoy the way they made me feel.. It was just like I remerabered... I loved the way it made me feel and then I hated that I was weak. I felt HUGE amounts of SHAME... I know it was not helpful but I was so ashamed that I did it. I felt like a hypocrit for telling everyone on here THEY can do it and stay strong and then ME... I FAIL? UGH.. made me sick.

I know I don't want to go thru those feelings of shame, erabarrassement and utter failure again but I also can't get out of my mind the way those pills made me feel again. I have been so depressed lately that when I took those 2 pills it was the only 4 hours I felt really happy and I know... this is the addict part of my brain typing and thinking and I am not proud so I am going to stop typing now because I certainly do not want to trigger someone else.

Thank you for your kind worRAB... They mean a lot to me Sub. They do!
 
I've had a really busy day but plan to respond soon :) I don't think you're freakish - in fact, alot makes sense now. You'll be fine, I promise.

Will write soon.

Emsmom
 
Hey emsmom,

Thank you so so very much for writing what you did to me! Everything just clicked!!!! I was by no means offended by what you said about being a social butterfly. First of all, I have beenknown as one my whole life and yu are right... I post all over the place and to everyone I can. I have a lot more to say to you but we have to get back to the hospital to meet with the cardiologist!!!! Our family has made a schedule so we are now more going in shifts!!!! I will write more to you this afternoon. Your worRAB were wonderful and I thank you for all of your support!!!!!

Much love to you friend!
Gotta run!
 
Hey friend,

Sorry it took so long to respond to this one - by no means did it have anything to do with your post, I've just been busy :)

I am so proud of you for explaining that. That must've been hard to admit. I know, in turn because my hubby and I seperated as well, after two years of marriage. We were "the couple" and were thought of as Barbie and Ken. Utter shock doesn't even begin to explain how our frienRAB/family felt when we told them the news. I too, have a problem with disappointing people (we are very much alike, it's spooky) - I've always been the type of person who thrives on other peoples' opinion. I'd often worry about what people thought of me, especially my husband.

Lately, that obsession has been lifted. I'm sure it has something to do with me getting clean and living a happy, healthy life but I just don't really care what others think as it's my life and I'm the one who ultimately has to be happy, not them. I remeraber times when I would value another's opinion more than my own and looking back, it was definitely insecurity. I suppose I'm just more secure in my own skin now that I'm not using drugs anymore. I have more confidence that's for sure!

Now, don't get upset, but I don't have any advice to give you other than... Trust yourself!

Trust yourself to be open and willing to talk to your husband when you know and feel the time is right. Trust yourself to be confident that you can do this and you "want" to talk to him. Trust yourself to be secure enough in your marriage, that "the talk" may put a bump in the road but it will not break it.

Most importantly... Trust yourself to be honest with yourself!

I'm going to suggest something to you that was suggested to me...when I felt I could not tell my hubby. Write him a letter. Write down all the things you want to say to him, about your addiction, about your thoughts and feelings, about you, about him, about anything that you feel you cannot tell him face to face. Then, take that letter and burn it, rip it, hide it, whatever you want. I felt doing this, made me really think about what I'd done, and what I wanted to happen. It did give me the courage to talk to my hubby, however I got caught before I had the chance. I'm hoping it helps you the way it helped me :)

I'm off to bed, it's been a long day and I'm wiped. Have a great night, get some sleep and be proud of yourself!

Love emsmom
 
Hey Secrets!

So I have a question ... Do you have children? Here's why I ask: I've been feeling sort of odd about your statement that you absolutely will not break your mother's heart by telling her about your struggle with addiction. At first I felt like it was just that you weren't being honest. I am not a 12-stepper, but I believe I remeraber something about honesty being key. I know that it has been for me. Once I told my husband the truth - ALL THE TRUTH - not only was I freed from the lies, I was also accountable to him. But then I thought, "Well, maybe it's just not the right route for her in that relationship."

But my son just came toddling into the room (he's about a year and a half old), and as I was looking at him, I realized the problem. I think it would break your mom's heart to know that you were struggling, that you were in pain, that you were weak ... and you didn't tell her, you didn't give her the opportunity or the choice to love you and help you. The truth may not feel good or be well-received in the first conversation, but it can bring you closer together. Your mom is human, too. (Isn't that a weird change? The day we realize our parents are just human beings, like we are?) I'm sure she's made mistakes or been in trouble or needed a little support in her life.

It's obviously your choice and you know the relationship you two have better than any of us do. I just want to throw in one last thing. I had an uncle who I absolutely idolized. He hung the moon as far as I was concerned. I went to a boarding school in high school, so I didn't see my family on a day-to-day basis, but my mom had told me that he had cancer. It went on for a long time and eventually he was very sick and in the hospital. When it was down to the last few days of his life, he told my mom and their dad (my grandfather) that he had HIV and was dying of an AIRAB-related illness. Of all the feelings I had about that revelation, the strongest feeling was immense sadness. It was so sad to me that he felt like he couldn't share with us, that we wouldn't have loved him and helped him and supported him. It's hard for me to even think about it now, and it's been 15 years since we lost him. *sigh*

Whew. Sorry - that was kind of heavy. But I just want to make sure that you think about it from your mom's perspective and not just from the perspective of a child who's afraid of disappointing her parent.

Whichever direction you choose, I hope you know that you are absolutely strong enough to get through that visit without sneaking anything from the medicine cabinet. It is poison to your body. Plain and simple. And there's no one who can do this thing but you. No one else can control your muscles or your brain, no one's going to drag you to that bathroom and hold a gun to your head. It is your responsibility to not get up and go to that bathroom. It's your responsibility to not scan for the right bottle, to not open it, looking over your shoulder, hoping you won't get caught. There are a lot of steps between walking in her front door and swallowing those pills - you have to make the choice yourself. So when that stupid itch starts, that godforsaken voice in the back of your head begins whispering ... just tell it to f*** off. It is your life and your choice. I have no doubt in my mind that you're going to be just fine!

Sorry this is so freakin' long,

Holly
 
hope all is well . your so nice . yes dont want to get tunnel vision from the computer . it keeps me up . just another addiction . doing well at day 7. to day was ok it seems .glad to hear your doing well till next time scott:):wave:your an :angel: undecover
 
D,
Thank you for your quick reply! I would love to pull the whole date line thing off but she would think I went looney. She knew I had to be on meRAB last year for medical reason's and we had big talks about the possibility of addiction and I swore over and over it would never be me that would fall into that.... SO if I called her and told her to flush them I would be busted and it would break her heart and I will not allow MY addiction to hurt her.

I appreciate your worRAB of wisdom. I don't know what I am going to do.... I just can't do anything to give it away... I am sure this sounRAB insane to you all but I can't help it....

Thanks for your support and you are right... I don't feel I am strong enough to fight this fight yet but I NEED to be. I NEED TO BE..... I NEED TO BE!

Thank you.
 
you bet we are all here to help each other. secrets if your young an it sounRAB like you are you have your whole life ahead . anything in reason exsept drink or drug in safty . because if i could i would be . it takes everything from us. over time . some times quickly sometimes slowly all these things will materialize if we work for them. the 12 promices:):wave:
 
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