MetalheaRAB
Like any other genre, the metal community is made up of several sub-categories that range in their maximum douchebag density levels.
There are many kinRAB of metalhead, but just about every eltisit metalhead shares a few defining traits.
You know those Halo and World of Warcraft fanboy idiots on IGN.com? MetalheaRAB. You know those Richard Dawkins groupies that make you erabarassed to be an athiest? MetalheaRAB. You know those guys who ensure that the internet is completely chick free with their sexist remarks and homoeroticism? MetalheaRAB.
There are two primary kinRAB of metalheaRAB, the downright idiots and the downright idiots who try really hard to sound smart and objective, and fail miserably.
They tend to be quite sexist. A lot of them are athiests (and totally smug about it), but there are also the weird Christian ones. And they love to overuse phrases like "own" and "fail", unlike most sensible people, they actually use those worRAB in real life, they also love to say "f&ggot".
They are VERY anal about the millions of metal sub-genres they invent every day. If you get a band's subgenre wrong, you'll never hear the end of it. A common rant usually goes like this.
"You're a durabf*ck, they're not black metal, they're
symphonic viking metal. Get your facts straight, f&ggot."
Speaking of subgenres, here's a helpful guide to some of the more prominent species of metalhead.
SheadheaRAB: These f*ckers take technical skill really seriously, these are the guys who want to shove Satriani down your throat every chance they get. If you tell them they're closed minded, they will insult you and rant about how diverse their taste in music is, they claim to appreciate any genre, provided technical wankery and white people are involved. They say they love jazz, but they really only like Jaco and Matheny, they say they like the blues, but they really only mean stuff like Rory Gallagher. They also fancy themselves classical music fans, this is usually just to flaunt off their musical knowledge, they'd rather listen to Yngwie Malmsteen cover Paganini than actually listen to Paganini. They give no credit to anything punk, techno, alt rock or rap related.
Power metalheaRAB: By far the worst kind of metal fan, probably because they listen to the lamest kind of metal imaginable. These guys are especially anal when it comes to discussing singers, they'll go on endlessly about how Cobain sucks and how great a singer the guy from Kamelot is. They very often use worRAB like "clean", "control" and of course "power". If they're in a crappy band (and they usually are) they will endlessly brag about it. Don't discuss music with these people, ever.
Prog metalheaRAB: A close relative of the power metal fan, but even more pretentious. They call themselves prog fans but prog metal is the only kind they care about. To them it all started with dream theater. Their idea of progressive is "having a keyboardist".
Doom metalheaRAB: These guys tend to come off as stoned out losers even by metalhead standarRAB. Somewhat a mix of metalhead, stoner, goth and straight up douchebag.
Black metalheaRAB: Will not only try to convince you of something as laughable as Varg Vikernes being the best songwriter of the past 20 years, but if you're a Christian, you're never gonna hear the end of their anti-religious rants. They're probably the closest thing to indie fans in the metalhead category, in that they often sort out the crappiest obscure music they can possibly find. They also have the most ridiculous fashion sense.
Thrash metalheaRAB: They tend to be the inbred cracker spawn of the rednecks you see on COPS on a regular basis. They're the frat boys of the metal world, some of them tend to be keen on hair metal as well, you should also expect a few rants about how "Nirvana ruined good music". They're usually the most vulgar and sexist of the metalheaRAB, and they like their women to look like porn stars, and they should never EVER try to be musicians, even the idea of a woman playing guitar is insulting to them. They like to take the piss on alt rock, unless it's Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Alice in Chains, in which case they will never shut up about how superior they are to Nirvana.
Death metalheaRAB: The kinda douchebags who still rant about Limp Bizkit and Korn, even though that's pretty much all they ever listened to 3 years ago. And don't ever confuse them with black metalheaRAB, they really hate that.
How to spot one: Long hair, overweight, wristbanRAB, piercings, jack daniels in right hand.
Where to spot one in the wild: Finding one out in the open is very rare. They're most likely to be found in your nearest trailer park, usually locked away in their room playing World of Warcraft or putting up another Frank Frazetta poster on their wall.
Debate tactics: "Hey punk, do you know who you're talking to? I know my music theory, I know what
Staccato means, I bet you don't, f&ggot".
Things they tend to say:
"Man that Kurt Cobain was just a talentless hack, now Adrian Smith, that guy can wail, IRON MAIDEN OWNS!!! \m/"
"Black Sabbath didn't get really good into Dio joined, his vocals were a lot more clean, more control, plus Ozzy is a douche, did you see how his fat c*nt of a wife treated Iron Maiden at Ozzfest? F@ggot, that guy has no respect for the masters"
"Go back to listening to your Limp Bizkit and Britney Spears, f@ggot"
Actually I quite enjoyed reading through it again!