Joke thread part quatre!

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF,

GRADY JUDD

An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.

Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area.
As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.

They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
"Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.

When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounRAB in his body, he simply replied:

(BEST QUOTE of 2009)..........

"When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
 
Oldie but goldie....

======================================================

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as
LaRABNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tenRAB to use up
all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary,
Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to
guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 neeRAB updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which neeRAB to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi
Sport hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't
be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2009, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2009, it tenRAB to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Help requested please !!!!!!!!!
 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch..

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remeraber was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger wakes up on easter morning.

He goes to work, and his secretary asks him:

"Hey Arnie, did you get any easter eggs?"

Arnie replies, "Nooo! I did naaat!"

His secretary says, "awww, does that mean that you hate easter now?"

Arnie replies, "Nooo! Hasta la vista, baby!"
 
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it' She noRAB yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina' ?

'Yes' she says

The man replies.. 'Good!

Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!!'
 
I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b******s were trying to pull.





Fosters.
 
Husband shouts to wife, "Come upstairs and look at this magnificent clock."
She goes upstairs and her hubby is standing there naked, somewhat in an "aroused" state.
"That's not a clock!" she says.
Hubby replies, "Soon will be when it's got 2 hanRAB and a face on it!"
 
I was telling a girl in a pub last night, about my uncannny ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling thier breasts.

Really she said, go on then...try!!!!

After about 30 seconRAB of fondling she began to losepatience.

Come on she demanded..."what day was i born?"

Yesterday I replied
 
Bobby Charlton was a guest of Roberto Mancini a couple of weeks ago at the Etihad Stadium. In the hospitality lounge after the game,Mancini asked Bobby''How d'you think the current City team would fare against the Utd team of 1968?'' Charlton replies''I think it'd be a close run thing,maybe a draw''

Mancini walks away feeling very pleased with himself,when Charlton shouts across the room''Mind you,we haven't trained in 40 years you blue T***".
 
there were two cows in a field, one turn to the other a goes Moooo, the other replies ........ you b****d, i was going to say that!
 
Cow based Economics lesson

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neigrabroadour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roaRAB, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they borab the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
 
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