Joke thread part quatre!

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"
 
1. SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neigrabroadour.

2. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

3. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

4. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

5. BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

6. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

7. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

8. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

9. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

10. FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roaRAB because you want three cows.

11. JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

12. GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

13. ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

14. RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

15. SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

16. CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

17. BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

18. IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they borab the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

19. WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

20. AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

21. BELGIAN CORPORATION: you have two federal cows and two regions. Neither region can agree as to who gets which cow, so both cows are sawn in half.
 
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers and drags him in. Quick as a flash she lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!!!' Don't be silly' says Paddy.....'You must have a vase in here somewhere!!'
 
I braked hard but still hit the car in front. A cute Blonde got out and shouted 'Ram me up the arse why don't you?'......This is where the confusion started your Honour...
 
Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a police officer.

'What's going on here people?' Asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife', Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop. 'I didn't know'.
'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face.'
 
Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'
 
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.

"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.
 
I got told off for ******* in the swimming pool earlier.

I don’t know why I wasn’t even planning on getting on.
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If you woke up next to a beautiful horny woman and a gay guy who would you turn your back to ? oO
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My girlfriend says that I keep pressing her buttons. If that were true then I would have found mute by now.
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Friend: How did you break your legs
Me: See those stairs over there
Friend: Yeah
Me: Well I didn’t
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Yeah like that’ll happen
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Im no weather man but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
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My dad told me to go and check to see if the turn signal was working so I got out the car and said “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No”
Dad: smart ass
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Just seen a guy with a T-Shirt saying… Its not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
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I was born to be a pessimist, my blood type is B Negative
 
The cop asked what he was doing, Bubba said he was having sex with his wife. He thought he was having sex with a random hooker, but when the cop shone his torch on her he realised it was his missus.
 
Lololol

Boys says to his grandma, "Grandma, Have you seen my pills? They were labelled L.S.D."

His grandma replies, "**** the pills, Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen??"
 
I walked into the bedroom this morning and my wife was stark naked bent over with her backside towarRAB me painting her toenails. I was shocked at first but then I said to her. Sorry i didnt recognise you without your teeth in.
 
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