Joke thread part quatre!

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
 
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives & moulded our careers, read on -

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roaRAB.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
 
I'll refrain from cutting and pasting, so just a link.....


In his 90th year, Prince Philip has made more than one or two faux pas. Well, here's 90 of them......

Ninety gaffes in ninety years - Home News, UK - The Independent


One that caught my eye:-

"Do people trip over you?" Meeting a wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident in 2002.
 
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear"
 
Three doctors are discussing their country's medical achievements.
Germany doctor: We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in Eight months.
Indian doctor: We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in six months.
Irish doctor: We took an asshole out of Offaly, put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in three months!
 
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".

"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeRAB to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.


"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
 
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hanRAB it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
 
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.



The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.



The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'


A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.



The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
 
Cops raided Kermits lily pad last nite and found hundreRAB of pictures of Miss Piggy in the nude - they're saying it's the worst case of frogs porn they have found
 
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Creme Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But three days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

====================

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife , 43 , who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

====================

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

====================

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

====================

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
 
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spenRAB £4,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done...
You're 46"

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".
 
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