Joke thread part quatre!

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Mister Rod, Sir. This is Jenkins, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Jenkins. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Errrrm, I am just calling to advise you Sir, that your parrot is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Yes, Sir, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Sir."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Sir. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thorougrabroadred, Sir."

"My prize thorougrabroadred is dead?"

"Yes, Sir, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Sir."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, Jenkins?"

"The one at your house. A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying Jenkins - that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Sir."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Sir."

"WHAT B****Y FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Sir". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Jenkins, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sxxt."
 
Not up to the standard here but it's night shift and I'm tired. Apologies in advance to all Welsh blondes.


What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A labrador.


What do you call a blonde with her hair dyed brown?

Artificial Intelligence.


What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.


How do you confuse a Welshman?

Put 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.
 
10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Christianity

1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
5. When you have beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of beer.
7. You don’t have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second beer.
8. There are laws saying that beer labels can’t lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a beer.
10. If you’ve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you
 
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.
A spokesman for the channel said….
‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’
 
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments.." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair......
 
Pope Benedict landed at Edinburgh Airport this morning. After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the Popemobile (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed the Pontiff still standing on the pavement.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' said the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' said the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protested the driver wishing he'd never gone to work this morning.

'Who's going to tell?' said the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope clirabed behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floored it, accelerating up the M8 towarRAB Bellahouston Park at 155 mph (Remeraber, the Pope is German).

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleaded the worried driver...... but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens around Harthill.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!' moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Sergeant,' he said.

The Sergeant came on the radio and the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going 155 mph on the motorway.

'So book him,' said the Sarge.

'I don't think we want to do that........ he's really important,' said the cop.

The Sarge exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean REALLY important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Sarge then asked, 'Who do you have there, Alex Salmond ?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'David Cameron ?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Prince Charles ?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Sergeant, 'who is it?'






Cop: 'I think it's God!'







The Sarge was even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'






Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
 
Little Johnnie is grounded again!


Little Johnnie's neigrabroadour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie'sfamily was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talkwith him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anythingabout the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears,hewould get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful littlehanRAB, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be well fxxxed if he needed glasses'.
 
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.


He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crab delicacy staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeding to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.


Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as durab as most folks think.
 
Mate approached this fat bird in a nightclub last night and asked her if she had a pen.
She was all excited about the fact that she had a man showing her interest and she gave him a smile and said "yes i have".
He said "well you'd better get back in the ****er before the farmer discovers you got out".
 
With hinRABight, I should have posted my facebook status as:
"I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford".
Rather than:
"I've just ****ed a 13 year old escort".
Still, I don't get out much and a few hours at the local police station made a change.
 
You have to be smart to be a lawyer?


These are (allegedly) from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******** me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
2 tailor shop jokes for you.

A huncrabroadack walks into a tailor's shop and asks
" Do you have a suit to fit me ? "
" If we do , somebody is getting sacked " replies the manager.


A guy is getting fitted for a suit in a tailor's shop.
Assistant - " Do you want buttons on the fly ? "
Customer - " No , I'd better just pay for them "
 
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