I think I made colossal mistake. Upset and advice?
- Thread starter AnnD
- Start date
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musicman3
Guest
Thank you, Thatmonk, for your input. So I am now here on day 3. I had awful anxiety this morning, but about 30 minutes ago, it completely subsided! Maybe the subutex has stablized in my system. I only had 1mg today and we had a group meeting with the outpatient people. I am very happy to be here. If for anything, it is to alleviate my anxiety from the withdrawals, and it is good to hear other people's stories. It is eye opening to see what could happen if I were to continue on this cycle. As I said, my dosages are very low in relative terms but that is not the point right now. The majority of people that were in the meeting are alcoholics, but I can relate to the things they say. I, fortunately, am not a drinker at all. The last sip of alcohol I have had was over 2 years ago. It is hard to hear these people's struggles because alcohol is so accessible and I am greatful that I just despise the taste and effects of booze.
So, this nice little rest in my hometown hospital has been very beneficial. I quit my 3 month habit of smoking, I am eating, I can watch TV in my bed and use my laptop. So I do not feel like a prisoner. Insurance has approved through Monday if I want to stay that long. I will see how I feel Saturday. I will just relax, get my thoughts and plans in order, watch the ball drop from my bed, and start 2010 with a new minRABet.
So, this nice little rest in my hometown hospital has been very beneficial. I quit my 3 month habit of smoking, I am eating, I can watch TV in my bed and use my laptop. So I do not feel like a prisoner. Insurance has approved through Monday if I want to stay that long. I will see how I feel Saturday. I will just relax, get my thoughts and plans in order, watch the ball drop from my bed, and start 2010 with a new minRABet.
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Deerod
Guest
Musicman...how are you doing these days? I just read your journey and it sounRAB like your doing great! You should be on what...day 11 going into day 12? I am new here but what inspiring stories I have read tonight! Please keep us informed on your progress! Besides, writing seems to do a world of good with good people surrounding you for support! Take care and hopefully soon you can enjoy a good meal too!
Deerod
Deerod
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musicman3
Guest
Firstly,
I wish you all a Merry Xmas.
Now for my dilemma,
I was able to check in today to a posh rehab center for my on and off again opiate habit which is 40-80mgs of oxy or hydrocodone per day. Insurance was going to pay for it as long as they were permitted to detox me from benzos, which was not my problem. I had told them I was on .125 mgs of clonazepam for anxiety the past few months and they gave this info to insurance and this is what the insurance company stipulated. This was fine to me since it would get me in.
Well I arrived at 11 and was processed. I went to my building at 2p. It is a very nice place. However, an hour into it I started to panic about being there. The clientele was very nice and friendly to me, but it consisted of mostly adolescent women. There is only one other guy there so I felt sort of lost at that.
Another issue was that due to the Holiday, the regular doctors and psychs would not be seeing me until Monday, which was going to be the date of my discharge, so I felt that I would not receive the optimal care that I went there for in the first place.
They gave me a choice of how I wanted to be detoxed in regarRAB to suboxone or methadone. I IMMEDIDATELY nixed methadone as I thought that would be trying to shoot a fly instead of swatting it. I was reluctant to suboxone but they would taper me off during the detox, but inside, I felt that would be replacing one addiction with another, and when I left, I would have withdrawals from that.
So I decided that I wanted to sign myself out in my panic. I used the excuse that the timing was wrong and I should have waited until after xmas when I could optimize the use of all the medical professionals. They were not mad at my choice but they obviously thought that it was not in my best interest.
So, I am home now and will have no more pills after tommorow morning and I feel now that I may have been to hasty. I honestly did not leave because I wanted to go home and get a fix, I left for the aforementioned reasons and the panic of not ever being in that dormish situation since HS. The nurse said I could come back when I felt the timing was right.
Do you think I should suck up my pride and on Saturday, see if they will take me back in and make the program work? Or am I better off withdrawling at home ( Which I have done quite a few times). In general it is the first 3 days that are the worse for me and after that I feel so much better. The reason I decided on rehab was because lately, I have been having a harder time stopping and I dwell on all the awful feelings that run through my head moreso than I have done in the past.
I think I am mainly venting and not sure if I did a durab thing but thanks for listening everybody.
I wish you all a Merry Xmas.
Now for my dilemma,
I was able to check in today to a posh rehab center for my on and off again opiate habit which is 40-80mgs of oxy or hydrocodone per day. Insurance was going to pay for it as long as they were permitted to detox me from benzos, which was not my problem. I had told them I was on .125 mgs of clonazepam for anxiety the past few months and they gave this info to insurance and this is what the insurance company stipulated. This was fine to me since it would get me in.
Well I arrived at 11 and was processed. I went to my building at 2p. It is a very nice place. However, an hour into it I started to panic about being there. The clientele was very nice and friendly to me, but it consisted of mostly adolescent women. There is only one other guy there so I felt sort of lost at that.
Another issue was that due to the Holiday, the regular doctors and psychs would not be seeing me until Monday, which was going to be the date of my discharge, so I felt that I would not receive the optimal care that I went there for in the first place.
They gave me a choice of how I wanted to be detoxed in regarRAB to suboxone or methadone. I IMMEDIDATELY nixed methadone as I thought that would be trying to shoot a fly instead of swatting it. I was reluctant to suboxone but they would taper me off during the detox, but inside, I felt that would be replacing one addiction with another, and when I left, I would have withdrawals from that.
So I decided that I wanted to sign myself out in my panic. I used the excuse that the timing was wrong and I should have waited until after xmas when I could optimize the use of all the medical professionals. They were not mad at my choice but they obviously thought that it was not in my best interest.
So, I am home now and will have no more pills after tommorow morning and I feel now that I may have been to hasty. I honestly did not leave because I wanted to go home and get a fix, I left for the aforementioned reasons and the panic of not ever being in that dormish situation since HS. The nurse said I could come back when I felt the timing was right.
Do you think I should suck up my pride and on Saturday, see if they will take me back in and make the program work? Or am I better off withdrawling at home ( Which I have done quite a few times). In general it is the first 3 days that are the worse for me and after that I feel so much better. The reason I decided on rehab was because lately, I have been having a harder time stopping and I dwell on all the awful feelings that run through my head moreso than I have done in the past.
I think I am mainly venting and not sure if I did a durab thing but thanks for listening everybody.
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mel486
Guest
I had to sit here and think about your story a little before replying. Yes, I think you did the right thing, since there was not going to be a doctor on hand for 4 days. You have the right to have the proper medical treatment available. Then again No, since you only have enough pills for one more day. I suggest you consider doing your best to do an extreme taper with the qty you have on hand and only take a minimal amount of oxy, enough to slow the w/d's down and stretch it out until Sunday or Monday. Check back into detox on Sunday or Monday when the proper medical help is there. I really wish you the best and if things get bad for you consider checking back into the detox center early. Better to be there so you can get started on the suboxone and to be monitored. Good Luck.
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musicman3
Guest
Thanks Ann, I do appreciate your viewpoint. I know it seems that way but I really am ready. Right now, my main concern is being tapered off a 40-80mgs habit with suboxone. I am trying to rid my body of opiates and I am scared that I will spend 5 days there, come home, and withdrawal from the suboxone taper. I will be out of pills when I go to sleep so I have to make a decision if I want to do this cold turkey at home or return (if I can) to the treatment center. This whole thing is giving me so much anxiety. This is why it is difficult for me to do this without help this time around.
Another thing adding to my anxiety is the stupid mistake of picking up smoking after 22 years this past August. I do not know why I did this and I hate every minute of it. It has made me lose 25 pounRAB and gives me awful anxiety, not to mention the absolute unhealthy feeling I have running through my body. You are allowed to smoke at the treatment center, up to ten cigs a day. I plan on quitting if I go back in.
I suppose there are safety in nurabers and the food is top notch. I would be in a safe environment and perhaps we could try withdrawal without opiates and just the clonodine. I am going to have to make a decision in the morning and without having any more pill, I am going to be in full anxiety mode tommorow, which may make my decision easier.
Another thing adding to my anxiety is the stupid mistake of picking up smoking after 22 years this past August. I do not know why I did this and I hate every minute of it. It has made me lose 25 pounRAB and gives me awful anxiety, not to mention the absolute unhealthy feeling I have running through my body. You are allowed to smoke at the treatment center, up to ten cigs a day. I plan on quitting if I go back in.
I suppose there are safety in nurabers and the food is top notch. I would be in a safe environment and perhaps we could try withdrawal without opiates and just the clonodine. I am going to have to make a decision in the morning and without having any more pill, I am going to be in full anxiety mode tommorow, which may make my decision easier.
R
reachout
Guest
Hi Musicman
It is good to hear from you and good that you are feeling capable in this setting. The drugs can really get ahold of our bodies and minRAB and just hold us back from who we want to be. Detox is a hard process for sure. It is good that you are not suffering as you would have on your own. My own thoughts are that you stay the length of time the insurance allows. If you do decide to go off the subutex, it is important that you do it in a controlled setting to help you the most. What is a couple of more days? After so long on the drugs, I would take every single day of extra help available to me.
Will you be participating in the outpatient aftercare program? I hope you will take advantage of it. As hard, as terribly hard, as detox can be, it is the time after we detox that proves the testing ground. As thatmonk pointed out, support is needed for a long, long time.
Wishing a wonderful new start to the New Year. Stay committed, stay strong, stay true.
Rooting for you
reach
It is good to hear from you and good that you are feeling capable in this setting. The drugs can really get ahold of our bodies and minRAB and just hold us back from who we want to be. Detox is a hard process for sure. It is good that you are not suffering as you would have on your own. My own thoughts are that you stay the length of time the insurance allows. If you do decide to go off the subutex, it is important that you do it in a controlled setting to help you the most. What is a couple of more days? After so long on the drugs, I would take every single day of extra help available to me.
Will you be participating in the outpatient aftercare program? I hope you will take advantage of it. As hard, as terribly hard, as detox can be, it is the time after we detox that proves the testing ground. As thatmonk pointed out, support is needed for a long, long time.
Wishing a wonderful new start to the New Year. Stay committed, stay strong, stay true.
Rooting for you
reach
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musicman3
Guest
Hey Little Blue. I went to detox last week to get me off my 40-80 mgs a day habit of oxy/hydrocodone which I was repeating in cycles over 10 years. I was given suboxone at 8mgs the 1st day. The second day I took 6mgs. Days 3 and 4 there I took 4mgs and I came home and took 2mgs for 3 days. I also had my last dose on Monday and I am feeling pretty much ok. I have been yawning alot today but I do not feel lousy by all means. I hope I can escape the worst of the WRAB too. The only side effect I seem to get is body jerks as I fall asleep. It does not happen while I am lying in bed for 4 hours watching movie, but just happens at the moment I am about to fall asleep. I hope you maintain feeling good this week as well!
Hi musicman,
it seems as though you have been reading my journal. I take between 40 and 60 mg of oxycodone a day and have been for about 5 years. I have thought about going into rehab too. But have successfully tapered on my own and also used the Thomas recipe listed at the top of this board which helped immensely (the L Tyrosene can make your skin blotchy if you go out in the sun though). I did however keep some "percs" on hand for acute pain and guess what? I stupidly started taking them again, at a low dose and increasing over time and am in the same spot. If you can't taper on your own, have someone dole them out. Taper off. flush the rest. tell your doc not to give you anymore. THAT is the hard part. It is so hard to flush 'em and cut off your supply. I don't think that you are on a high enough dose to have to go into rehab. It's your call though. Keep posting, ok?
Rosebuddy
it seems as though you have been reading my journal. I take between 40 and 60 mg of oxycodone a day and have been for about 5 years. I have thought about going into rehab too. But have successfully tapered on my own and also used the Thomas recipe listed at the top of this board which helped immensely (the L Tyrosene can make your skin blotchy if you go out in the sun though). I did however keep some "percs" on hand for acute pain and guess what? I stupidly started taking them again, at a low dose and increasing over time and am in the same spot. If you can't taper on your own, have someone dole them out. Taper off. flush the rest. tell your doc not to give you anymore. THAT is the hard part. It is so hard to flush 'em and cut off your supply. I don't think that you are on a high enough dose to have to go into rehab. It's your call though. Keep posting, ok?
Rosebuddy
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musicman3
Guest
Thank you, you are always supportive to people and I appreciate that. I now hope they will take me back. The 2 nurses said to come back if you feel ready so I hope that was a sign that they will take me back. After much research and thought and talks, I think you are right about going back in soon so I can detox in a safe environment. I know it is not going to be like Disneyland but I am going to be sick either way and I should really do that where I am monitored. I figure by the time I am into the detox I will then be able to utilize the medical staff. I will be there for 5- 7 days so even if I go back tommorow, that still gives me 3 days of that attention. They will be running groups and mandatory meetings during the weekend and I should go back in and take advantage of that. I just feel that it is an opportunity that is paid for and it would be foolish to squander that.
F
flintrock
Guest
Hey Reach!!
Long time no see. My son just competed rehab..went in on his own...and a different person. I know you remeraber my story..went through years of craziness with the pills...xanax..weed. he is free from it all. 12 step program worked for him. Of course he works it everyday...but I thank God above for this program. My husband and I both are involved in the program, even though we're not addicts, we have to also learn what makes an addict....good luck to you all..........don't stop trying!!!!
Long time no see. My son just competed rehab..went in on his own...and a different person. I know you remeraber my story..went through years of craziness with the pills...xanax..weed. he is free from it all. 12 step program worked for him. Of course he works it everyday...but I thank God above for this program. My husband and I both are involved in the program, even though we're not addicts, we have to also learn what makes an addict....good luck to you all..........don't stop trying!!!!
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musicman3
Guest
Thank you Deerod for your support! I am doing ok! Some mild depression, and some mild anxiety, but my minRABet is different and I know it takes time to heal. I am a worrier and I dwell on things like what if I damaged my brain chemistry forever and I will have this anxiety forever? I know it is not true and it will heal. I just keep moving foward and as far as cravings go, I do not have any. The thought of taking a pain pill senRAB me into anxiety mode.
At this juncture I have to start taking care of myself. I have lost so much weight in the past 5 months. The STUPIDEST thing I ever did was pick up smoking in August after my father became very ill ( he is fine now). I hadn't smoked in 22 years!!! I NEVER craved one cig in that 22 years and I do not know what made me start again. I HATE it. And I can guarantee it has contributed to my high anxiety and all around decline of general health and well being. I am starting the patch today and I will not look back. I lost my mother to lung cancer 4 years ago, and I am appalled with myself.
I now need to reconnect with my frienRAB in person and stop isolating myself. I am blessed with great frienRAB. I have no frienRAB that are shady so I do not have to worry about avoiding certain people are changing frienRAB.
So all in all... it is a lengthy process and it will get better as time goes on. There is no alternative. Taking pain meRAB was destroying my quality of life and I could no longer live like that.
At this juncture I have to start taking care of myself. I have lost so much weight in the past 5 months. The STUPIDEST thing I ever did was pick up smoking in August after my father became very ill ( he is fine now). I hadn't smoked in 22 years!!! I NEVER craved one cig in that 22 years and I do not know what made me start again. I HATE it. And I can guarantee it has contributed to my high anxiety and all around decline of general health and well being. I am starting the patch today and I will not look back. I lost my mother to lung cancer 4 years ago, and I am appalled with myself.
I now need to reconnect with my frienRAB in person and stop isolating myself. I am blessed with great frienRAB. I have no frienRAB that are shady so I do not have to worry about avoiding certain people are changing frienRAB.
So all in all... it is a lengthy process and it will get better as time goes on. There is no alternative. Taking pain meRAB was destroying my quality of life and I could no longer live like that.
M
musicman3
Guest
Well I did get some WRAB from the subutex starting Thursday night. This was 3 days off the subutex. Yesterday ( Saturday, day 5) seemed to be the worst. I fought through it and I took a low dose of Klonopin before bed. I managed to sleep 10 hours. Actually, insomnia was not a problem this time around.
Good news is I feel better today. Am I ready to run a marathon or even run down the street? No.. but the heebie jeebies are gone and my minRABet is quite good today. I am not at 100 percent for sure, but it is a marked improvement over yesterday and I hope every day gets a little better!
Good news is I feel better today. Am I ready to run a marathon or even run down the street? No.. but the heebie jeebies are gone and my minRABet is quite good today. I am not at 100 percent for sure, but it is a marked improvement over yesterday and I hope every day gets a little better!
R
reachout
Guest
Hi Music
Just reading the board tonight and glad to read you are moving along. The yawning is a good thing.. respiratory system is being restored. Celebrate those yawns! Chuckles.
Keep up the good work.
reach
Just reading the board tonight and glad to read you are moving along. The yawning is a good thing.. respiratory system is being restored. Celebrate those yawns! Chuckles.
Keep up the good work.
reach
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NVR2L8
Guest
I agree. Too many excuses. I know you really want to but sometimes, that is not enough. I would hate to see you give up that paid time as well.
GOOD LUCK!!
GOOD LUCK!!
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mel486
Guest
From my conversation with a detox center, I believe that they give you Versed during the really rough times, so that you don't remeraber the hell you went through. Or, at least I would hope they would. 
I just can't imagine a rapid detox in days and not spread out over months. I guess I just can't handle the pain like some people can. If you have any oxy left - spread it out as best you can and see if you can make it another day or two. I guess going in there in full blown w/d's will make them want to take you even more. I really hope the best for you. Good Luck!
I just can't imagine a rapid detox in days and not spread out over months. I guess I just can't handle the pain like some people can. If you have any oxy left - spread it out as best you can and see if you can make it another day or two. I guess going in there in full blown w/d's will make them want to take you even more. I really hope the best for you. Good Luck!
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musicman3
Guest
Well I decided to take advantage of treatment in a detox program at my local hospital. It is much more relaxed and less restrictive. I am here right now and been here 2 days. My insurance company approved through Monday if I want to stay that long. I am on 2mgs of subutex 2x a day and I go down to 1mg tommorow. It has helped with the withdrawals but it makes me feel very very jittery. I may just take one dose tommorrow and go off completely.
There are 4 of us here and we have had some meetings and it has been nice to talk to other people. I obviously have my laptop here and I have a TV by my bed so I feel much more at ease here than I would at the treatment facility.
There are 4 of us here and we have had some meetings and it has been nice to talk to other people. I obviously have my laptop here and I have a TV by my bed so I feel much more at ease here than I would at the treatment facility.
M
musicman3
Guest
Thanks again I am so torn on what to do. I had a refill on my vicodin so I picked that up. The truth is I am getting so worked up about this whole thing that it is giving me terrible anxiety. I am not enjoying any buzz from the pills, they are not even making me feel normal. They are contributing to the awful anxiety and depresseion I am having.
I think my major concern is the use of suboxone for the withdrawals. I am trying to rid my body of chemicals and I am so afraid that with my relatively mild dosage (40-80 mgs) I feel it may be too extreme to do and I will get out in 5-7 days and have withdrawals still since I will have opiates in my system.
Secondly, I feel so awful when I withdrawal. I get sick and I am slightly erabarrased to have a roomate who is going to hear me all night. I know.. silly huh. I get so restless and I feel being sorta confined in this facility will make me feel crazy.
I am so depressed and anxiety riddled right now. I hope that I will not feel like this forever and have damaged my brain so much.
What to do... what to do.
I think my major concern is the use of suboxone for the withdrawals. I am trying to rid my body of chemicals and I am so afraid that with my relatively mild dosage (40-80 mgs) I feel it may be too extreme to do and I will get out in 5-7 days and have withdrawals still since I will have opiates in my system.
Secondly, I feel so awful when I withdrawal. I get sick and I am slightly erabarrased to have a roomate who is going to hear me all night. I know.. silly huh. I get so restless and I feel being sorta confined in this facility will make me feel crazy.
I am so depressed and anxiety riddled right now. I hope that I will not feel like this forever and have damaged my brain so much.
What to do... what to do.
D
Deerod
Guest
Hi musicman!
It sounRAB like you are continuing to move forward! Yesssss!!!
I too am a recovering addict and it has been about 15 years with no relapse. I can totally remeraber everything from the addiction to detoxing myself and to this day, I am still recovering. It really is an ongoing effort and the changing of lifestyle and frienRAB but what a wonderful journey. One thing I am happy to hear is that, like you mentioned, you have no shady frienRAB! Wow! That is such great news! This way you can get out and about and not isolate. Naturally I believe and everyone is different, that we do need time to heal but enjoying the outside world with good people helps us to know that there is more to life than hurting ourselves with depression/ anxiety also associated with addiction.
I always wondered if my anxiety would last forever after sobriety and if I was damaged forever. Sure, I definately had to learn new coping skills and ways of thinking and I learned that I just take it day by day...to this given day as well. I wake up and try to look at the positive things and try not to go any further than needed at the time. When issues or life's challenges come up I take it one step at a time instead of overwhelming my mind. That way when I succeed in taking care of an issue I reward myself with saying, 'I did it'... and on to the next. I find that the stress involved in packing on too much leaRAB to depression which is an on-going battle for me. Now I only get to a certain level instead of way down low so the battle does get better! I just try to do the best I can and be the best that I can be for this day so that when I lay down at night, I know deep down I tried my best. If for some reason I feel I didn't do my best, that's okay...I don't beat myself up, I will do better tomarrow!
Let me also say that you do sound like you have a great head on your shoulder's. You also sound quite intelligent and that you truly know what you need and want to do. You are already ahead! As far as smoking goes. Try not to beat yourself up too bad. You will stop, why? because you want to and that is the most critical to being a non-smoker. I am a smoker...hate what it does to me and yet in all honesty I totally enjoy a cigarette with a wonderful cup of coffee. Do I think I should quit? Yes. Is it hurting me? Yup...but I have to want to stop and just do it. You will be successful, I can tell. Are you on the patch now?
Please continue with your updates, I truly appreciate reading and writing to you! I hope by me mentioning ways to cope that have become successful for me will help you realize that you can and will come up with your own coping mechanisms to live a forever healthy lifestyle!
One day at a time! :wave:
Looking forward to an update!!
It sounRAB like you are continuing to move forward! Yesssss!!!
I too am a recovering addict and it has been about 15 years with no relapse. I can totally remeraber everything from the addiction to detoxing myself and to this day, I am still recovering. It really is an ongoing effort and the changing of lifestyle and frienRAB but what a wonderful journey. One thing I am happy to hear is that, like you mentioned, you have no shady frienRAB! Wow! That is such great news! This way you can get out and about and not isolate. Naturally I believe and everyone is different, that we do need time to heal but enjoying the outside world with good people helps us to know that there is more to life than hurting ourselves with depression/ anxiety also associated with addiction.
I always wondered if my anxiety would last forever after sobriety and if I was damaged forever. Sure, I definately had to learn new coping skills and ways of thinking and I learned that I just take it day by day...to this given day as well. I wake up and try to look at the positive things and try not to go any further than needed at the time. When issues or life's challenges come up I take it one step at a time instead of overwhelming my mind. That way when I succeed in taking care of an issue I reward myself with saying, 'I did it'...
and on to the next. I find that the stress involved in packing on too much leaRAB to depression which is an on-going battle for me. Now I only get to a certain level instead of way down low so the battle does get better! I just try to do the best I can and be the best that I can be for this day so that when I lay down at night, I know deep down I tried my best. If for some reason I feel I didn't do my best, that's okay...I don't beat myself up, I will do better tomarrow!Let me also say that you do sound like you have a great head on your shoulder's. You also sound quite intelligent and that you truly know what you need and want to do. You are already ahead! As far as smoking goes. Try not to beat yourself up too bad. You will stop, why? because you want to and that is the most critical to being a non-smoker. I am a smoker...hate what it does to me and yet in all honesty I totally enjoy a cigarette with a wonderful cup of coffee. Do I think I should quit? Yes. Is it hurting me? Yup...but I have to want to stop and just do it. You will be successful, I can tell. Are you on the patch now?
Please continue with your updates, I truly appreciate reading and writing to you! I hope by me mentioning ways to cope that have become successful for me will help you realize that you can and will come up with your own coping mechanisms to live a forever healthy lifestyle!
One day at a time! :wave:
Looking forward to an update!!
T
thatmonk
Guest
Dear Friend,
Getting off the oxys is your immediage concern. The bigger question is this: what is going on in your life that drove you to them in the first place? Are you self medicating for depression/anxiety? Abuse of some kind you don't want to deal with? What drove you to them in the first place, and how are you going to address that? Professional support is required. It is important to remeraber that addiction is a medical disease, not a character fault or sign of weakness. Like any disease, it requires treatment and support. Withdrawing without support will cause anxiety!
Please do not to this alone. Go into the clinic and get help. They will completely understand, they are there because they want to help people stuck in this awful place.
Getting of the pills is part of the battle. Working on the underlying cause of the problem is where the real solution to it lies. Be strong, walk into the clinic and do the work. Come out clean and follow through with additional treatment to help you stay off. Finally, join a support group with a sponsor to help you stay clean.
Best wishes.
Getting off the oxys is your immediage concern. The bigger question is this: what is going on in your life that drove you to them in the first place? Are you self medicating for depression/anxiety? Abuse of some kind you don't want to deal with? What drove you to them in the first place, and how are you going to address that? Professional support is required. It is important to remeraber that addiction is a medical disease, not a character fault or sign of weakness. Like any disease, it requires treatment and support. Withdrawing without support will cause anxiety!
Please do not to this alone. Go into the clinic and get help. They will completely understand, they are there because they want to help people stuck in this awful place.
Getting of the pills is part of the battle. Working on the underlying cause of the problem is where the real solution to it lies. Be strong, walk into the clinic and do the work. Come out clean and follow through with additional treatment to help you stay off. Finally, join a support group with a sponsor to help you stay clean.
Best wishes.