Honesty.... so hard sometimes!

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Angelique43

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Secrets...Good Mornin' Sunshine!
How are you doing this morning? I hope that you had a great night last night. I just wanted to leave you a post so that you'll have something to read as soon as you get up. They are like my little gifts to you! You know, like daily devotionals lol Just wanted to remind you of what an awesome job you're doing! With each passing day i hope that the cravings get easier & easier for you to deal with. So...Keep your chin up & know that i care about you very much & i'm rooting for you always. Have a great day!
 
Angelique, you are honestly so great! Thanks for having my back!!! It's nice to hear confirmation that I am not over reacting. I have heard from several very trusting sources that I am not over reacting so between those people and everything you said... I firmly believe I have the right to have a discussion about this.

Everyone always asks if they are having an affair because of what he lets her get away with. No, they are not... I would know because it's just the 3 of us and there is no privacy in this place EVER. She is a bully and I am not kidding you, he is scared of her. His wife has wanted to fire her for years because of her disrespectful behavior. You would not believe some of the stories if I told you. She goes over her vacation time every year and he never charges her ever. She flips out so easily and swears and he will finally fire back at her but it's the most screwed up work situation that I have ever seen. He made the mistake of saying that we were family and she took advantage of him from day 1. That is why I was so SHOCKED that he believed her in the first place because she lies non stop. She is so mean to me about trying to start a family with my husband because she had a hysterectomy in Dec. Her and her husband tried off and on for 10 years or so to have a child and they had 3 losses and each one I was there for her and my heart broke with her. When I had my miscarriage she told my boss that I didn't even ovulate so how could I have had a miscarriage!! NOT KIDDING. How would she know if I Ovulated or not? Why would I ever make up a miscarriage? I think she thought of it because it's something she has either done or would do..... I hate to sound so harsh but this is all truthful. She won't talk to me about my husband and I having a child hopefully, she never said a word about my miscarriage after the day I had it and the day I did have it she said. I am so sorry for you loss Secrets, do you want to take the day off tomorrow? Then the next day I came to work and she was distant, didn't even ask how I was. Nothing. So I know she hurts not being able to have a child but regardless she does not need to treat me this way. It's like she thinks she can walk all over me for some reason. She even had the B@lls to tell me that she did not want to be a godmother because it would destroy her and she would not be able to handle it!!! WHAT NERVE. First, I am not even pregnant, second, who and the heck do you think you are assuming I would chose you? I think a family meraber would be a better choice than her unstable self! That is just scratching the surface and the stress here all day long with her makes my cravings so badly. I swear that is part of the reason they have not subsided. The stress is unreal. It triggers my cravings every time. Let alone the fear I have that when I do get pregnant that the stress will harm the baby but my boss has already told me he would not allow that but we shall see...

Okay, I gotta run now.. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!! YOU HAVE SUCH A KIND HEART!!!!

Big hugs to you honey! Thank you for your frienRABhip!
 
Secrets,
O M G ! ! ! i can't believe the nerve of your co worker! Man, you really find out who your true frienRAB are in the time of need, huh?! That is really rotten & low down dirty of her! I hope that she is proud of herself because "Karma" is a "you-know-what"! Frankly, i don't know how you are able to show such restraints around her because i would be in jail because i would snatch her bald-headed! But you don't need that lol so i'm glad that you had all of your little duckies in a row! Ooh! it just makes me so mad! How dare she try to kick you when you were already down. Rotten Witch!...I need to breath....lol
I'm sorry that your unhappy with your work place right now but believe me, i can certainly understand why. With what this witch pulled & now the big boss man crackin' down, i wouldn't feel very happy to be there either. At the same time i do know the importance of having a good job, especially in this economy so i give you alot of credit for staying there & trying to do your best. And of course, you are very smart to always have your ducks in a row, like you said. You're a smart little cookie! I will say some extra prayers for you tonight that the stress levels at your work place calm down & that you will be happy in your work environment. With everything you've just gone through you sure don't need any added stress.
Yes, Secrets, FIGHT those cravings! You can do it! If anybody can do it its you! I have every faith in you! I am always cheering you on & pulling for you. You will beat this! I do know how very hard those cravings can be, believe me & i do know how sometimes it takes every fiber of our being to stay strong & to be able to fight those little voices that lie to us but you are doing such a remarkable job Secrets! Please stay strong in this journey & keep marching with your head held high because i know that you can do this!
I will continue to check in with you everyday. Post when you can & when you can't, we understand & we will be here supporting you regardless. I really do have alot of respect for you Secrets. Keep up the good work! Don't let anybody or anything get in your way or try to bring you down. Give yourself lots of love & pats on the back because you deserve it! Take care & God Bless.
 
I give you alot of credit for your honesty and your strength. You hang in there and dont let your quard down. Karma is a B----h and your coworker will get hers. Nothing is easy when it comes down to something like this. You do need to pat yourself on the back. You seem like a great person who is stronger than you think. I have faith in you just by what you wrote that you will not let yourself down and that you can beat this. We are pulling for you. And thank you for your support regarding my sweetheart Scott.

Take Care
Dohna
 
Secrets,
You are very welcome! No, you're not over reacting. Not at all. Infact, you have shown alot of politeness & couth in this whole thing because i'm telling you i would very seriously be fired & sitting in the back of a cop car lol So, its good that given the fact that you're already under so much stress that you can remain so cool headed about the whole situation, props! Seriously Secrets, i would be on COPS! lol
WOW! hes scared of her!? I'm not even sure that i know what to say to that lol Other than its pathetic. And it just confirms that he really does need to get a back bone & grow some b@lls!
From everything that you've said , she sure does sound like a big bully! A very hateful, ugly, mean spirited person. All of the qualities i dispise! She sounRAB like a hate'R!
You know what its begining to sound like to me? Like she is JEALOUS! Like shes hating on you because you & your hubby are trying to start a family & this upsets her because she knows that she cant have any children of her own. So shes taking out her anger & resentment, from her own personal problems, on you. And this is so unfair to you. Heck, i cant have anymore children either but i'm not going around hating on everybody else that can. And btw, Congrats! on working on trying to start a family! I really do believe that this has alot to do with this chics problem. Shes angry, jealous, & envious. Oh yeah, & a big fat bully lol Well dont you let her bully you around Secrets. And like you said "how the heck would she know whether you are ovulating or not?". What nerve! What, was she just passing by one day near the vacinity of your ovaries? lol Give me a break! Perhaps this chic should check into some counseling! And just to assume that you would ask her to be your chilRAB Godmother! Is she kidding!? That takes alot of nerve! Something that we already know this chic has alot of lol
Yes, of course this is one of the reasons why your cravings arent subsiding, because of this chic & her BS! And that lame brain, spineless boss had better do something about it to correct the problem because once you do become pregnant that stress can harm the baby so he better put a stop to it now. No reason to wait.
I will keep you in my prayers Secrets. Try to just relax & take deep breaths. Because stress will actually hinder you from concieving a child. It can make things harder. Dont let that b---h stop you from your dreams! Take care Secrets.
 
hi, secrets,
just like to add my name to your list of many well-wishers. Take good care of yourself and come back to us in your own good time. We all love you. BIG hug.....neve
 
Hello Secrets,

Just want to wish you a lovely day :) I hope all is well with you. Keep your head up my friend, and smile - you're worth it :)

Love emsmom
 
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!

Your replies made me smile and they were so heart warming. I don't know what I would do with out all you guys!

So here is the scoop. I called her out on the carpet in regarRAB to her lies IN FRONT OF THE BOSS! She could say NOTHING to defend herself because I had all my paper work done, submitted and had my form all ready to turn in to him for credit but then Mom got sick and I was gone for a week. My boss said that he had no idea what the whole story was... I told him that he should not have paid her the whole bonus then. When have I ever not made my goal?? NOT ONE TIME IN 10 YEARS! So, I did get my bonus. However, she did not get in any trouble AT ALL. He didn't even sit her down and tell her it was beyond wrong to lie to him and to try and steal from me. I WAS SHOCKED. They both have been doing NOTHING but KISSING MY BUTT and I am being business friendly but I am keeping them both at an arms length and focusing on my job. Funny thing... We have another goal this month and it is worth a LOT more than lasts months so I have been really giving it my all. I have already met my personal goal for the month to qualify for money and I have half of the "office goal" completed just by myself and it's March 4th... So I am glad I let my actions speak louder than my worRAB. However, this is FAR from over. I am taking this week to cool down because I do have a hot temper which my fertility meRAB are only making worse but I have kept my hissy fits for my house.. Lucky husband!! haha I have a CLOSED DOOR appointment scheduled with my boss on Monday. I do not feel any of this was acceptable. I know my worth here and I will not be taken advantage of and kicked while I am down because my co worker thinks I am too frantic to notice not getting paid for a bonus.. YEAH RIGHT. I am upset by him not sitting her down to let her know that sort of behavior is not acceptable... SO many things and I know if I don't get them off my chest that it will just keep getting worse and worse. I planned on retiring here and now I have some big doubts. ALSO...... I FOUND OUT HE WAS GOING THRU MY CELL PHONE... MY PERSONAL CELL PHONE when I went to the ladies room. THAT IS SO UNACCEPTABLE. He has made a dear friend of mine feel extremely violated and of course I am feeling the same way. It's time to set some guidlines.. I may not be the boss but I know what my rights are. I am not the 18 year old girl he sent so school so many years ago! I am a grown A$$ WOMAN.

So, thank you all for your support. If you made it thru ANOTHER one of my eye nurabing posts then I LOVE YOU! hahaha This situation is just feeding to my cravings and making me feel more itchy to use but I have nothing around me, I will not slip and call my Dr. Then "they" would win and I would only be hurting myself! I am too stubborn for that to happen :mad:

Thanks for all being there for me.
XOXOXOX
 
Hi Secrets!
I want to thank you for your honesty. You didn't have to tell us anything about your relapse but you did & that alone speaks volumes as to the kind of person you are. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to tell us all about your relapse so thank you so much for your honesty. And while i'm not trying to make excuses for you, i can totally understand how a relapse could happen because you were under so much stress with everything that was going on with your mom & then being hospitalized yourself. So honestly, Secrets, do not beat yourself up over this. Like you've said, move on & always keep "recovery" front & center in your mind. Just another lesson learned in this journey to sobriety & recovery! You are 100% right, there is absolutely no reason why you should let one day of weakness bring you down. You are way stronger than that! Just pick yourself up & dust yourself off & start anew! Don't look back & don't dwell on it, the past is the past & today is a whole new day!
I will keep you & your mom in my prayers & if you ever need my frienRABhip or support or just somebody to listen i will be around.
I'm so happy to hear that the storm is calming & that things are returning back to normal for you, with work & what not. Very happy to hear that your mom is doing much better. Take care & God bless.
Your in my thoughts & Prayers.
 
I'm so sorry to read your recent posts. You've been through so much - too much - and it's time for things to turn around! You've helped me so much - wish there was something I could do for you.

I am so impressed by the strength and determination you've shown throughout your recent ordeals. Faced with all that you've been through, many people would have given in -- the fact that you've remained committed to staying drug-free is something you should be so proud of!! And there is no doubt in my mind you will remain that way.

Take care of yourself. Hope things start looking up for you - ASAP!

My very best wishes,

TF
 
Hey FrienRAB,

So, you all know me...I am honest with this board probably to a fault at times. So I certainly am not going to change now. I just would not feel right about it.

So... I am just going to say what I need to say and move on. The pressure of everything last week did become too much for me. I should not by any person here be put on a pedastal EVER because I just don't deserve it. So, while my Mom was in the hospital I did pretty well craving wise because I was so distracted by everything else.... There were a few hard moments while they were trying to give my Mom oral pain meRAB that I thought I might jump out of my own skin but I made it thru thanks to my rock Emsmom! Honestly, I was doing pretty good up until I got her to her house.. settled in and it was time to go pick up her meRAB.... Now.. I did the right thing... We got them, I did not faulter.. I gave the meRAB to my Grandma to put in her safe and everything was on track. Here are the list of meRAB I had to contend with... Percocet (40 count) Hydrocodone (45 count) Extra Strength Hydrocodone (50 count) and last but not least Tramadol (60 count) ALL WITH REFILLS! Now, you all have to know picking these up for my Mother about killed me... That is why they went into the safe.... I did not trust myself and rightfully so. I made it until the day I left when my Mom said it was time she could clearly be in charge of her meRAB now that she no longer was drugged up.. (she honestly was amazing to me with the pain she went thru, how little she took... I have such a hard time understand non addicts when it comes to their control with all those meRAB) So... Grandma gets the meRAB out of the safe and asks me to bring them to Mom. I did (SHAKING) and since I was having so much back pain and hip pain from the last week I BUCKLED.... My mom had offered me some relief earlier in the week due to my back pain and I said no. I was no more than 15 minutes away from staying clean and sober on my way home and I buckled and took 8 percocet and put them in my purse. (I did not do this behind her back either) EITHER WAY....... RELAPSE!!!!! So, on my way home in tears I took 4 of them.... Then..... when I got home I took a nap of course only when I started coming "down".. woke up when my husband got home from work and took the other 4. Then about 4 hours later.. I felt like DEATH WARMED OVER! Which I completely felt was deserving. Woke up yesterday.. came to work and luckily it was so busy I did not have a ton of time to focus on the relapse because in the past times of relapse (yes, I said times) I beat myself to a pulp.

It was stupid. It was weak but I did it and it does not make me a bad person. It makes me human and an addict who has to always have recovery front and center on my mind. I am erabarrassed, I am upset with myself but at the same point I can't change what I did.

Now, honesty is so important to me because I could have kept this from you all but I could not have lived with myself! Acting like I am someone I am not is not my style. I figured if my honesty could help even one person out there not feel so alone for even one moment in time it would be worth the humiliation of being honest.

So.... there you have it.. I AM AN ADDICT AND ALWAYS WILL BE. So, guys, I will need your help to keep my eyes on the prize.. Sobriety is so important to me. I will not let one day of weakness bring me down.

With respect and blessings!
 
Hi my little S,
esmom is right you are a winner!
well this fine friday is a great day to start over, i hope you are feeling a bit better and your head is clearing and you are remeraber that for most of of 'slips" are park of recovery. you and i are both very clear that we no longer want to abuse pills, and your honest is part of getting closer to a life with about miss using pills. i can say with out a dought i would not have lasted as long as you, i would have taken some right on the spot. your doing a great job and im so happy that you have your mom, grandma, and loving husband. and you have all of us. we are your own personal cherrleading team. i have been told over and over to be honest on these boarRAB and because of that i have been doing better. less shame, less self hate. no matter what keep telling your truth, and i will to!!!
hope to hear from you soon...
 
I know exactly how you feel. I recently just had a relapse, purchased some tramadol on the internet. I felt the same as you, I hated myself, I felt weak, I felt like a failure. But guess what I did, I flushed the last 50 pills, went through 5 days of nightmarish withdrawal, and I am clean again. I almost am glad I had that relapse, it reminded me of how much I hate opiates, and how bad they are for my body. Anything that can make you that sick is going to kill you.

Yes you may be an addict, but no, you will not always be one, not if you dont want to be. The hardest part for you, from what I can tell, is that you have easy access to pain medication. This has to stop. If you really wanna stop for good, you gotta get away from the pills. You are already a big step ahead of many other pain killer addicts I know. You admit you have a problem, and you want to do something about it. Thats the most important thing. You will get through this, I know this because I can tell from your post that you want to stop.

The best part about getting off the pain meRAB for good, is that you feel like you can do anything, you feel empowered, you become motivated, and you really start to live your life. And thats what its all about.

One thing that helps me while getting through the withdrawal, is basically yelling at myself in my mind, I tell myself, toughin up, you did this to yourself, and now you have to pay for it. The withdrawal is not going to kill you, so toughen up and deal with it. Try to think of it as a life challenge, and when you beat the challenge, you will feel like you can do anything.
 
hi little S,
i have been on the road for 2 weeks so this is the first time i have been able to catch up. i went home to see my brother and his wife, she just lost her baby at 13 weeks. she is really having a hard time. i felt like drinking after i spent the day with her, im gld i did not becuase i know nothing slows down getting better from depression then popping a pill drinking.
keep talking with us. u are so love here. u know how to get me if you nedd ANYTHING!
oxoxox der
 
My dear Secrets,

I cannot put into worRAB how proud I am of you! You had a slip, but you picked yourself back up and that strength is admiring. It's not the end of the world, not by any means - you can learn from this Secrets.

Write yourself a note, explaining everything from your thoughts and feelings in the hospital with your mom. Write it all down. One day, you'll look back and see how far, once again, you've come.

Don't beat yourself up my friend. Accept your relapse, and move forward. The beauty if it all is that "each day is a new day." Find a new hobby, something you've always wanted to do. You need structure and positive things in your life. Perhaps a trip with hubby, even a short one - just for the weekend. As addicts, it's important that we allocate "me time" for our recovery. A time to reflect, a time to have fun, a time to buckle down.

"I will never overcome my addiction, but I can arrest it one day at a time."

Love emsmom
 
Thanks Mom!!!! I really appreciate it.

I am not going to lie that I am really struggling today and because the pain is so bad I have to take the meRAB just to get thru the day. I am not going to lie, being an addict you still do enjoy the way they make you feel but I over all feel so crappy because the pain is so bad the meRAB really are not doing much. I really wanted to try and stay away from them but after last night..... there is no choice.

I really appreciate all the love and support from everyone because being on pain meRAB when you are an addict is a complete mind game. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I only have a small # of meRAB in my posession so there is no chance for me to get too out of hand... but still. I have 10 percocet left. I hope the pain simmers down by the time those are gone so I don't have to get another script.

Thank you all again.
XOXOXOOX
 
Secrets,

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you.

I'm sure you are feeling very depressed and down so I want to point out that this is the time to be extremely vigilante. There is potential for relapse, so always asks yourself if you're "being honest with yourself." If you follow that, you'll be ok.

I wish I could take your pain away. Take comfort in the fact that God isn't going to give you more than you can handle. Your strength is so inspiring Secrets. You've helped so many people on this board so don't hesitate to ask for some help back.

Hang in there, and just know that I am here for you!

emsmom
 
Wow!!!!!!

Thank you all so much. I really have to make this quick as we had a big meeting this morning about internet usage and personal emails... The boss wants us to focus on work only.. Imagine that!! hahahhaa

So, it's not that I don't want to respond it's that I don't want to get into trouble.

THANK you all so much for your advice, your love and your support. When I can....... I will write more and check on the rest of you.

I better go..... Miss you guys!
 
You are so strong and brave! If I had been in the same situation I doubt I'd have been able to hold out as long as you. That is real willpower! I love your attitude, you're so right! One slip isn't the end, we all fall and all we can do is get right back up and keep going.
 
I guess I didnt read your post carefully. You only cheated once? And you havnt done it since?? Then you have nothing to feel discouraged about. In fact, you should be proud that you did it once and didnt continue the next day and the next, thats the most difficult part. You are going to be just fine ;)

I would still keep away from the pills though, the more you see them, the easier they are to obtain, the better the chance that you take them again.
 
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