Great "Simpsons" Quotes

I Am Furious (Yellow)

Homer: Whoever knew anger was savin' my life?
Bart: Ha ha, say it don't spray it.
Homer: Aargh! You're trying to make me angry! ...thanks.
Bart: You're not welcome.
Homer: Aargh!... I love you, boy.
Bart: Ha ha! You love a boy!
Homer: Stop it now.
Bart: If you love me so much, why don't you marry me?

Blame It On Lisa

Samba Instructor: This is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance, the Penetrada! It makes sex look like a church.

Tales From The Public Domain

King of Troy: (Flanders) Now, throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
Homer: (back home) Heh, heh, heh. Trojans!
Lisa: What are you laughing at, dad?
Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny!

The Lastest Gun In The West

Bart: Can you still do cowboy tricks?
Buck: Well, here's one I did in "The Wild Lunch"
(He lassos a packet of chips and a drink from the kitchen for Bart)
Bart: Everything tastes better when it's lassoed!
Milhouse: Would you lasso me a banana?
Buck: Now how the hell would I do that?

The Bart Wants What It Wants

Skinner: How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
Nelson: How come you suck?
Skinner: I lack confidence.
 
Lisa: "It could be anything. It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant!"
Burns: "Oh fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray."
Smithers: "You mean the revolver, sir?"
Burns: "Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when your finished."

From Lisa the Skeptic
 
Half-Decent Proposal

(After Homer sees Artie's reenactment for Marge of their high school prom)

"If Marge marries Artie,I'll never be born!"

^ :sweat: it doesn't work like that....

and later....after Marge won't let Homer take Artie's money...

"I can't take HIS money!,I can't print my OWN money!,I have to WORK for money!....Why don't I just lay down here and die!"

^Laziness,thy name is Homer...

Weekend at Burnsie's

(Homer has to take medicinal marijuana after his eyes get injured by some crows,and calls Marge from work while high)

Homer: ...Marge,I just realized something!...I am the "ow" in the word "now"....and if you ever tell anyone!...

Marge: Homer,I love it when you call,but you just did five minutes ago and....hold on,I've got another call...

Homer:...Hey,Marge...Marge is on the other line,and man,is she bumming me out....

^I'd blame the drugs,but I could see Homer doing something this stupid normally...

I Am (Furious) Yellow

Stan Lee (to Database,who has a Batmobile) : Hey there son,wouldn't you like an EXCITING action figure?

Database: Yes,but only Batman fits in my Batmobile

Stan Lee :Are you nuts?....The Thing fits in there perfectly! (grabs a figure of the Thing,which he jams into the Batmobile,and breaks it)...Look!,he's fitting in there right now!...

Database: AAAHHH!!!...You broke my Batmobile!

Stan Lee : Broke?...or made it better?

later (after seeing Homer's accidental "transformation" into the Hulk)

Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk!...I'M the Hulk!...RAGGGHHH!!! (rips shirt)....

Comic Book Guy: Oh please,you couldn't even change into Bill Bixby...

Stan Lee:...C'mon,change dammit (grunts)....Oh,forget it......I swear,I really did it once!...

Comic Book Guy: Yes,yes...I just wish you had the power to leave my store...

^Stan Lee is awesome....'nuff said...
 
This episode is horrendously underrated. Almost every other line is gold.
Vicki: A great big sunshine hello to you.
Marge: Hi, Little Vicki!
Vicki: [laughs] That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now.
Marge: Alright, I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki.
Vicki: *Little* Vicki.
Marge: But, you just said--
Vicki: So, what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many!

^There's the hint, folks.


Bart: Yeah, it's just like my dad always says:
[Bart opens a thought balloon with Homer in it]
Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion -- the mall has it all!
[Bart runs towards the mall entrance]
Milhouse: [unable to read Bart's mind] What? What did he say?!

^Contrary to what TV tells you, people can't hear your thoughts just because you want them to.


Lisa: What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?
Vicki: Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that.
Lisa: Yeah, well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than just "tappa-tappa-tappa".
Vicki: Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would've killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.
Lisa: Sorry, I'm just frustrated.
Vicki: Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude! You've just got to turn that frown upside-down!
[Lisa smiles]
 That's a smile, not an upside-down frown! Work on that, too!

^What the heck is she talking about?


Vicki: I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.

^That's the best line of the entire season, IMO. Out of NOWHERE.
 
Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Well, it's all relative, Moe. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney really that drunk? Is Homer really that lazy, bald and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought! [Moe and all the
bar patrons except Carl literally cry in their beers]
Carl (to the camera): See, this is why I don't talk much.

I know just how he feels.:sweat:

Wiggum (arresting a guy named Jesse who's dressed as a cow): Alright, COW-boy, I'll see you in MOO-nicipal court.
Lou: Ha! Good one, Chief.
Wiggum: What? What'd I say?
 
I don't think this one's been mentioned yet, but it's a quote I'm ashamed to say I left out from my countless other posts in this thread, because it's one of my favorites:

Lisa's Rival

Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

^ How dense can you be?
 
An exchange I paraphrase alot (well mostly Homer's part;)) from one of my favorite underrated season 10 episodes, Homer to the Max:
"Bart: This isn't bad.
Homer: Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind has ever done that's any better?
Lisa: The Renaissance?
Homer: This is better.":D
 
I think the first time I ever saw that, I was laughing for a good ten minutes. That and:

Doctor on TV: "And then you make the incision below the collar bone." *splurt sound*

Dr. Nick: *Wincing* "No! Blood!"
 
It's been a while, but other faves:

Homer Loves Flanders:

Homer: Can't talk. Seeing Flanders. Later, sex.

Eeny Teeny Maya Moe:

Moe: What if it blows up in my face?
Carl: Well with THAT face, who cares?

Like Father, Like Clown:

(after Krusty's story about his father)
Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little! (chokes Bart)

Also, Krusty trying to read Bart's letter cracks me up: "D....deeee.... DEAR.... Krust.... Y?"

The Wettest Stories Ever Told:

Homer: Stupid Flandish.

Brush With Greatness:

Burns: Why, my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen, and I've been on safari.

^ Ironically, 239 isn't that heavy compared to how obese some people are in this country nowadays...

New Kids on the Blecch:

Homer: We're not signing ANYTHING... unless it's a contract.

^ Clearly, Homer is on a different wavelength.

The Great Money Caper:

Lawyer: Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking?
Willie: I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack; I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
Lawyer: Carjacking?! Who said anything about a carjacking? (audience murmurs in disapproval)
Willie: But, didn't you just say--?
Lawyer: I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!

Children of a Lesser Clod:

Arnie: I'm sick of being the reporter, I want to make the news!
Kent: Arnie, this is not the time-
Arnie: You're not the time, Kent, you're not the time!

Homer at the Bat:

Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...
Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid you have acute radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will... I still... be able... to play... softball... tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) No, by tomorrow, you'll barely be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia: Awww.... man....

^ I love how upbeat Hibbert is in saying that Mike will be clinging for dear life.

Lisa the Vegetarian:

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: (laughs) Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

^ Yes, called a pig.

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming:

Homer: Pfft. That Sideshow Mel think's he's so big. Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob?
Lisa: Don't you remember Dad? He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election.
Bart: And he tried to murder me!
Homer: Oh yeah. (fondly) But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter.

Dumbbell Indemnity:

Renee: Cheer up. Here, have a flower.
Moe: (Taking flower) Alright, come on, what's the catch? A gorgeous woman don't just hand ya a free daffy-dil.
Renee: Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well, the part that's showing. I guess you could have a load of weird scars or a fake ass or something.
Renee: You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?
Moe: Well, n-no, well, no, not a lot. Well, gee, I'm sorry, I used to box. My brain's... well, it's kind of in and out.
Renee: Oh, that's awful! And look at your little ears!
Moe: Yeah, that's extensive cauliflowering.
Renee: Well, your bow-tie is just darling.
Moe: Haha, well thanks... yeah, it kinda draws the eye away from the ol' mug.
Renee: I like a face with character.
Homer: Let's get outta here, Moe. This is going nowhere.

^ I love Homer's line at the end of this. He's so clueless. Moe's scars and fake ass bit is pretty funny, too.

Homer the Vigilante:

Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack-beatings are up a shocking 900%?
Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 40% of all people know that.
Kent: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes!
Kent: (beat) Hmm, touche.
 
I'm going to try to highlight some not-so-famous quotes.

From "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacey":

"Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air."
"Aw, crap. THERE'S A CLOG IN THE TORSO CHUTE! Leroy! Get your ass in gear."
"Shut your hole."

I love that whole scene. The voice acting makes it, and it goes without saying, but two workers clearly unhappy with their jobs isn't exactly what I'd call "fairy dust".

From "Treehouse of Horror XII":
Marge: That gypsy said bad things would happen to people you love. That could mean your family, Homer.
Homer: (lustfully) Are you coming onto me?
Marge: NO! Good night! Yeesh.

Good old clueless Homer.

From "The Mansion Family":
Lenny: SOME party, Homer.
Homer: Shut up, net face.
Lenny: Hey, you're in the net, too!
Homer: I -said-, SHUT UP, NET FACE!

From "The Sweetest Apu":
Kirk: Hey, neighbor. If you don't like losing at cribbage, stay out of my place!
Apu: (nervously) Whoo... okay.
Kirk: No no, I'll let you win! I'll let you win! God... I'm really lonely.

Love how desperate Kirk is in that exchange, as well as Apu clearly not getting that Kirk is playfully joking.

From "Skinner's Sense of Snow":
Nelson: Hey, look how much money Skinner makes. $25,000 a year! ["WOW!"]
Bart: Let's see, he's 40 years old times 25 grand -- whoa, he's a millionaire. ["WOW!"]
Skinner: I wasn't a principal when I was 1!
Nelson: Plus, in the summer, he paints houses.
Milhouse: He's a billionaire! ["WOW!"]

Funny how kids have no concept of money. And I love the over-exaggerated wows from the kids.

From "Bart the Mother":
Nelson: Cram it, ma'am.

Nelson's so polite, even when he's telling people to cram it.

From "The Front":
Barney: Didn't graduate? How low can you get?
Man: Barney, where's your cumberbund?
Barney: (sadly) It fell in the toilet.
 
"Inflammable means flammable? What a country!"

"Wow, you don't look so good! You need booze!" (throws change at Smithers)

And another alcohol related one, courtesy of Homer:
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems."
 
Homer trying to teach Bart a lesson, calling Mr. Burns:

Homer: Hello, Mr. Burns, this is Homer Simpson, father of the big quitter, Bart Simpson. I just wanted to let you know that I *quit*, too. (winks into the phone.)

Marge: Homer, he can't see you winking over the phone.

Homer: AHHH! (quickly hangs up)
 
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes :eek: has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

"Slack-jawed troglodytes?" Geez, Burns. The Simpsons have been called a lot of things, but...dang.:sweat:
 
Back
Top