Great "Simpsons" Quotes

From "Bart's Girlfriend" [paraphrased from memory]:

Bart: It's no use, Lisa, she's an evil genius, she reads at a fifth-grade level, and... [sighs] ...her hair smells like red fruit loops.

Lisa: Oh yeah? Well I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast!

It's the camera lean-in and threatening music sting that makes that joke work so well.
 
Lisa: Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks?
Homer: You just don't understand boys. He's stupid!

Marge: Okay, but you've accomplished a lot! You've made me very
happy.
Homer: Oh, yeah, they'll put me on a stamp for that!
Marge: [grumbles]

Blunt, but true.:sweat:

Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

Bart: Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly...
Homer (comes in with the pizza box): Don't tell your mother. Just promise me you'll try to be good.
Bart:
Sucker!

Homer totally deserved that.:shrug:


 
Mr. Burns: *suggestively* And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean "anything".
Homer: *moans* "Oh, I'm aroused...and confused."
 
From Selma's Choice:

"Give her these, and these, and then these. (dumps a whole bunch of pills into Selma's hands)"
"Thank you, doctor."
"Oh I'm not a doctor!"

From He Loves to Fly and He D'oh's:

"(regarding the flight attendant) And... just so you know, she'll do anything for you. (quickly) Anything except sex! (normally) And I DO mean, anything."

^ Well then it's not EVERYTHING, is it?

From Lisa the Treehugger:

"Look at these refugees. How about a smile?!"

From The Principal and the Pauper:

"Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capital City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing, a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six, count 'em, six gorgeous ladies just dying... for your leers and cat calls. Yowsa, yowsa."

^ Love how flatly Skinner reads that line.

From Lost Our Lisa:

"Burns: Shouldn't you be at work right now?
Homer: Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Burns, sir...
Burns: Well, then get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are."

^ One of the many times when Burns's forgetfulness works in Homer's favor.

From $pringfield:

"Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you. And now this."

^ LOL. That's not many things.

From Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

"And, uh, are those your original lips?"
"Well actually, I... HEY! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!"

From Dumbbell Indemnity:

"That's what you get for not Hailing to the Chimp!"

From Maximum Homerdrive:

Actress: "You mean, it ate Patrick too?"
Actor: "It ate everybody."
Actress: "What about Erika?"
Homer/Actor: "IT ATE EVERYBODY!"
Homer: ...Stupid!"

From The Homer They Fall:

"Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: Squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start."
"But then they'll just beat me up even worse!"
"...Yes, they are a clever bunch."

From Mom and Pop Art:

"So you better catch the fever! (to Bart, menacingly) CATCH IT...."

From The Haw-Hawed Couple:

"Neslon: Uh, I know it seems a little quiet. Must be a lot of traffic today. Is Highway 88 backed up?
Bart: Oh, yeah, it's a parking lot out there.
Nelson: Of course, that explains everything. Stupid Highway 88! (laughs nervously)"

^ I love Nelson's laugh at the end of that.

From Behind the Laughter:

"I wanna set the record straight: I THOUGHT the cop was a prostitute. (nods smugly)"

^ Yeah, that really helps.

From Bart the Lover:

"Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?"
"Hell no." (family gasps)
"What did you say?"
"I said I don't want any damn vegetables."
"Oh that's IT, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight."
 
A great exchange, but my favorite James Woods line by far has to be this one:

"Tony, you're my agent, you have to do somethin' about this...How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter?...Uh huh...Uh huh...Mm-hm...Wow, actually, that's a pretty good explanation. Now, this is gross, right, this'll be gross points in this new-- Okay, yeah, 'cause there's m--yeah, okay, great. Okay, book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom, I'm outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? ...Whattya mean I gotta give two weeks' notice?...Oh, you frickin' no good mother*bleep bleep bleep bleep* CHEESE!...No, not you, I'm just talkin' to my oven."
 
It's basically a reference to how Joe Piscopo was on Saturday Night Live during its dark period (the scene in question was a parody, "Tuesday Night Live"). Bart wishing for Joe Piscopo to come back, who did OK on the show (especially considering the time) but was by no means a SNL comedy legend, means he thinks Piscopo is amazingly funny compared to Krusty.
 
Homer (singing his own words to "The Flintstones" theme song)...
Simpson,Homer Simpson,he's the greatest guy in history....​
From the,town of Springfield...
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.....AUUGGHHH!!!

(and he does :D)...

other great Homer quotes...

Oh sure,EVERYTHING looks bad when you remember it...(after Marge complains about his embarrassing drunken behavior)

You're always taking someone else's side!!!...Flanders,the water department,God....(complaining to Marge after she's mad about him not wanting to go to church anymore)...

I never apologize!!!!...I'm sorry,that's just the way I am!!!!

Stupid Sexy Flanders!!!! (said after he can't recall his ski instructor's advice,since all he can think about is Flanders in his skin tight ski outfit)...

I'm not easily impressed....Wow!!!!...a blue car!!!!!

other funny scenes...

Bart: this is the worst day of my life!!!

Homer: Worst day of your life,so far...

(gotta love Homer putting it in perspective :D )
*****
Homer: I won't die,that only happens to bad people

Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?

Homer:.....Uh...He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren...
*****
Cape Feare (Sideshow Bob escapes prison,and is going after Bart)
(Bart in his room,trying to sleep,a shadowy figure enters holding a knife)

BARTDOYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED???

Bart: AUGGHHH!!!

lights come on,it's Homer: C'mon,let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot....

Bart: Dad,I'm a little edgy right now...I'd appreciate you NOT running into my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife...

Homer:...Why?...Oh right,the Sideshow Bob thing...I'm sorry (leaves,and turns off the light)...

(another shadowy figure appears,holding a chainsaw,and wearing a hockey mask,like Jason)

BARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?

Bart: AUGGGGHHH!!!

(not surprisingly,it's Homer again)

Homer:...Man,what AM I thinking?...well,goodnight...
*******
Mr. Burns watching Homer eat donuts on the monitor

Burns: That's it,keep eating...little do you realize you draw ever closer to the poisoned one...Smithers,there is a poisoned one,isn't there?

Smithers: Actually,no sir...I talked it over with the lawyers...They'd consider it murder....
*****
Smithers:People see you as something of an ogre

Mr. Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!!!!
****
Treehouse of Horror

Homer: (to Kang and Kodos)...Don't eat me,I have a wife and kids...Eat them!!!!!
******
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer....something something....

Marge: ...Go crazy?

Homer: Don't mind if I do!!!!
*****
Homer:Oh Lisa,you and your stories....Bart is a vampire,beer kills brain cells...Now let's go back to that....building thingy...where our beds and TV...is...
*****
Of course,there are many others that I find hilarious as well...
 
not sure if anyone has done it yet, but one of my favorite from homer the heretic.

reverend lovejoy ".... be they christian, jew, or..miscellaneous."
apu " hindu there are 700 million of us."
lovejoy "aww thats super."

lovejoy's delivery is so good there it cracks me up all the time.
 
Marge: I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.
Homer: Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister Patty.

Krusty: Good job, kid! What's your name?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail.
Krusty: Er, I...
Bart: I reunited you with your estranged father.
Krusty: Er, uh, I don't know...
Bart: I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special?
Krusty: Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately?
Bart: I got you that danish.
Krusty: And I'll never forget it.

But you've forgotten everything else?:sweat:
 
"DENTAL PLAN!"

"I'm not popular enough to be different!"

"Stop, He's gradually getting away!"

"Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were making babies in the closet, and I saw one of the babies, and it looked at me."

"We got to get back to see Matlock! MAAAATLLOOCK!"

and many, many more i'm too lazy to type out.:D
 
I like the exchange after that as well.

"So that's it then huh? After 15 years its just Goodbye and Goodluck?" "I don't recall saying goodluck."
 
*Homer is gobbling up several bowls of gray mush with gusto*
Female Movmentarian: "Why isn't our low-protein gruel wearing down his resistance?"
Male Movmentarian: "It doesn't wear down your resistance when you eat a whole month's supply!"

Then later...

Female Movmentarian:"It's not use. He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with."
Male Movmentarian: "Or... Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader!
Brainwashed Group: "Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Leader, Leader,"
Homer: "Batman! I mean, Leader! I love the Leader!"

From the Joy of Sect. I like how the Batman theme is Homer's kryptonite in this situation; classic Simpsons.
 
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