Great "Simpsons" Quotes

This is from one of the "Sideshow Bob" episodes (can't remember which one :sweat:)....

(Marge and Homer are outside Bart's room listening to him saying his prayers)

Bart : ...and God bless Mom,and Dad...and God....please kill Sideshow Bob!!!!

Marge : BART!!!

Bart : (quickly) It's him or me,oh Lord!!!

Marge : Bart,you can't ask God to kill someone!!!

Homer : Yeah,you do your own dirty work!!!

^Another example of Homer completely missing the point....
 
Homer referring to Patty and Selma:

Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it!

Homer: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge: Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Not so one would notice.:D
 
(The episode when Selma takes Bart and Lisa to Duff World)

Lisa: I am the lizard queen! (one of the random things she said after drinking the "water")

(from the episode where the Simpsons go to England)

Some guy: Our British candy is far more sweeter than your American ones!

(When Homer's trying to get out of prison; same episode)
Lisa: Oh no! Dad's wound up in the worst place he could possibly be.
Bart: An elephant's butt?
Lisa (flatly): Yes, Bart. An elephant's butt.
 
From My Sister, My Sitter:

"Pfft. All the best bands are affiliated with Satan."

"Krusty: HEY HEY! Are you ready to get rowdy?!"
Lisa: Excuse me?"
Krusty: Somebody phoned me for an emergency bachelor party."
Lisa: Well there's been a mistake."
Krusty: Well I'm not leaving 'til I get paid! I get $500 just for "hey hey"."

"Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Just as I thought. It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow."

^ Wiggum sure knows his barrows.

From The Heart-Broke Kid:

"I'm telling you Bart, one vice leads to another. Then you end up like me: So jaded, the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground up moon rocks. (does so) All this does is get me to normal."

From Two Bad Neighbors:

"Bar! My motor's gone loco!"

^ I don't know why, but this always makes me laugh. I guess it's because such words are coming out of Bush's mouth.

From The Great Money Caper:

"Now, this little number was in The Sting: Part II, so nobody knows about it!"

^ Zing!

From 24 Minutes:

"Now I don’t have much time so I’m just gonna come out and say his name. So get ready to know his name. His name is the following." (is knocked out)

^ Next time, get to the point.

From I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings:

"Lou: Chief, I think we got a situation here.
Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute with his stuffed monkey? One minute?!
Lou: (under breath) The monkey would make a better chief...
Wiggum: What was that?
Lou: (loudly) I said THE MONKEY would make a better chief!
Wiggum: He's a pretty great monkey all right."

^ Wiggum and co. are usually reliable for comedy, especially the rivalry between Wiggum and Lou.

From Ice Cream of Marge (With the Light Blue Hair):

"Marge: I'm glad someone in this house feels their life has meaning."
"Homer: You're glad? You don't look glad. Are you sure you know what glad means?"

From Bart Gets an Elephant:

Homer: These bills will have to be paid out of your allowance!
Bart: Well, you'll have to raise my allowance to $1,000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll DO, smart guy!

From Last Tap Dance in Springfield:

The film "Tango de la Muerte" in general is gold.

"As your wise but alcoholic dance coach, I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is!" (camera pans up to father)

"Que malo! Once again, I must sugar my own churro."

"Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead!"
"My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live. In his apartment."

From Bart's Comet:

"Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen!"
 
Bart Star:

Smithers: That's the end of the girl's floor exercise. Now, let's bring on the men!

^ Just the excited way Smithers says that cracks me up.

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play:

Marge: Weren't you just tied up in a blimp?
Duffman: Three Duffmen are working the game tonight! But don't tell the kids; it's disillusioning!
Duffman/Duffman 2: (almost simultaneously, as they thrust their pelvises at each other) Duffman! Duffman! Duffman!

^ This is the best Duffman joke ever. What's better than one Duffman? Two Duffmen.

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can:

George Plimpton: Okay, your word is "whether/weather".
Sun Moon: Um, which one? Could you use it in a sentence?
George Plimpton: Certainly: "I don't know whether the weather will improve."

^ You scumbag.

Lisa's Date With Density:

(after listening to Homer's autodial message)
Mr. Burns: One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm... I'd be happier with the dollar.

Marge Be Not Proud:

Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song:

Chalmers: You're fired!
Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?!
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh. That's much worse. (hiccups)

Also:

Skinner: One question remains: How do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer!
Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

The Front:

Secretary: Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode?
Grampa: Ishy and what? You must be some kind of crazy person.
Secretary: I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr. Abraham Simpson.
Grampa: That's right! I did the Iggy!

Also:

Roger Meyers: You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
Grampa: Oh no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud!
Roger Meyers: I'm sorry, I didn't catch any of that. And now I've gotta go.

Lisa the Iconoclast:

Hurlburt: Get out! You're banned from this historical society! You, and your children, and your children's children! (beat) For three months.

^ Yeah, I'm sure Lisa will become a grandmother in the span of three months. :p

The Wandering Juvie:

Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks: You're my niece from out of town.
Woman: I -am- your niece, Uncle Joe!
Quimby: Good Lord, I'm an abomination!
 
I thought of two good ones from "Sideshow Bob Roberts:

Adter Bart and Lisa are thrown from Bob's limo, Archie and the gang pull up and toss Homer Out.

Moose:"And stay out of Riverdale."

And later in the parking grarage:
Lisa: "This is so exciting, I feel like Woodward and Bernstein."
Bart: "Yeah, but their dad wasn't in the car reading Archie Comics."
Homer: "Stuck up Riverdale punks, think they're so cool."

I laugh every time I see this because it is so surreal.
 
I miss Phil Hartman.

"And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer!"

Other favorite moments:

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

It's so insane that it works.


(In a car)
Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders.

I don't know why I love this one. Maybe because it's so unexpected.


Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way!

Rod's delivery makes it work.


Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

But of course.

Man, I could go on all day. There's so many great ones.
 
From Natural Born Kissers

Homer: "If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Anne's lace, I haven't found it."

^I love how giddy Homer is about the curtains, and also that he knows what Queen Anne's lace is.
 
another fave Dr. Nick line (I think it's also from "Homer's Triple Bypass")

"The coroner?....I'm so sick of that guy!...Well,see you in the operating place!!!"

(Just what someone wants to hear before going in for surgery :sweat:)....
 
Lisa the Beauty Queen

Dance instructor: I said "step pause turn pause pivot step step", NOT "step pause turn pause pivot step pause"! Oh shudder. (smokes)

D'oh-in' in the Wind

Grampa: It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Bart the Mother

(the family is waiting for the bird eggs to hatch)
Homer: Why's it taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes.
Marge: Actually, it took 53 hours.
Homer: Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it?

Viva Ned Flanders

Don Rickles: (as he's flying through the air from the explosion) Hockey puuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!
Homer: Hehe, Rickles zinged ya, Marge!

^ I love how Don Rickles still manages to do his insult humor even when being blown away by an explosion.

Marge Simpson in "Screaming Yellow Honkers"

Lisa: Dad, you're supposed to pay for those snacks.
Homer: I saw Krabapple's butt; I paid.

How the Test Was Won

Skinner: So, when you take your practice test, take your #2 pencil and...
Bart: What kind of pencil do we take again?
Skinner: #2. Take a #2. (school laughs)
Bart: Looks like you took a big #2. (school laughs)
Skinner: Yes, quite so. As you can see, I'm holding a big #2 in my hands, enjoying the weight and feel of it.

^ Mr. Oblivious.

The Fat and the Furriest

Homer: That's it, kids: Suckle daddy's sugar ball.

^ Taken out of context, this is quite disturbing.
 
From Bart's Inner Child:

"You're off the case, McGonigle!"
"You're off YOUR case, chief."
"What does THAT mean?"
"It means he GETS RESULTS, YOU STUPID CHIEF!"
"Dad, sit down."
 
Dial "Z" For Zombies from the third Halloween has some truly great dialogue.

Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure!
Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: [eating pork rinds, frowns] Did you wreck the car?
Bart: Nooo!
Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yesss!
Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay?
Kids: Uh-huh.
Homer: [relieved] All right then.

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zombie!?
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

(A bird starts pecking at Moe's face.)
Moe: Not the face!
(Bird starts pecking at Moe's crotch.)
Moe: Ooh, okay the face!
(Bird starts pecking at Moe's face.)
Moe: Ooh, ooh. That actually feels good after the crotch.

This is when Dr. Hibbert used a painful-looking device to make Bart sweat off some glued-on novelties:

Bart: "Couldn?t you just have turned up the heat a little??
Dr. Hibbert: "Oh heavens, no! It had to be TERROR SWEAT!"
 
Paraphrased-

Lenny: What's the matter, Homer? I thought a guy with two wives would be more excited?
Carl: Nah, you're thinking of a guy with two knives.
*Cuts to Moe holding two knives*
Moe: Heh, I've gotta admit, this feels pretty great.

Like, what the heck? :D
 
From Viva Ned Flanders:

""And once again tithing is 10% off the top. That's gross income, not net. Please people, don't force us to audit."

From Make Room For Lisa:

Homer: Hey, Marge, what's your favorite radio station?
(later that morning, after Homer's sobered up)
Homer: Well, Marge?
Marge: What?
Homer: What's your favorite radio station?

From Bart After Dark:

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

From Treehouse of Horror VII:

"You went into the attic? (gasps) I'm very disappointed and terrified!"

From Pokey Mom:

Marge: Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift.
Warden: You kiddin'? Look: He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you: What's it breathin'?!
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space!
Homer: There's an air and space museum. (is tossed out of prison)

From Itchy & Scratchy Land:

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got- fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book... everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy."

From Boy Scouts 'N the Hood:

"Godspeed, little doodle."

From Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song:

"Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion."

From This Little Wiggy:

"Hey, you know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?"
 
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