Great "Simpsons" Quotes

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Shardote

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Here's a long string of great moments:

Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.
Willy: Aye. [***** a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
[two fighter planes fly overhead]
Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the
bogey now.
[screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"]
[screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]
Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile.
[missile destroys the other plane]
Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile.
[missile destroys his own plane]
Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of
the military and put it into health care!
Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance,
that's all I ask.
[their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]
[they start fist fighting]



Also, any time they bring up Skinner's Vietnam past is always hilarious.

My favorites include:

Skinner: *Straightens tie* Copyright expired.


Skinner: Johnny!... JOHNNY!
Bart: Cool, I broke his brain.


I also miss when they used to flirt with the idea of him being crazy. The Psycho moment with the sailor suit was great, and my personal favorite:

Bart: Who names these things [the constellations] anyway?
Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find
something that would be named after me.
Bart: And you've never found anything?
Skinner: Once...but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had
already been reported by Principal Kahoutek...[a cloud covers
the moon; scary music plays]
I got back at him, though...him and that little _boy_ of his.
[the music ends]
Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

It's just nice to see cracks in someone who's so straitlaced. Shame they don't do that anymore.
 
Officer: "Okay, one last question Mr. Simpson. This place 'Moe's' you were at prior to the accident, what kind of institution is it?"
*Homer's brain* Don't tell him you were at a bar. Oh, but what else is open at night?"
Homer out loud: "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
*Homer's brain* Swish.
 
So a recent Simpson's thread got me thinking about some of the funniest, randomest, whackiest lines that have been uttered on the Simpsons over the years. It's one of my favorite shows, and I thought it would be fun. I'll get the ball rolling.

Marge: Don't come any closer! I've got *jimmies! *throws them*
Ice Cream Guy: *gets them in his eye* Ah! I can only see a horrible rainbow!

*Jimmies are sprinkles, for those of you who don't know.
 
Bart: You could be my father figure.
Homer: No way! I'm not getting my fingerprints on that train wreck! If I lose Maggie, I'm 0 for 3. I gotta get her back!
Bart: I can help you!
Homer: Pipe down, Amtrak!

:eek:

You sure know how to hurt a guy, Homer.


Roger Meyers: Ok, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing "The Honeymooners", we wouldn't have "The Flintstones"! If someone hadn't ripped off "Sgt. Bilko," there'd be no "Top Cat"! Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Ha! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney! Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? Her? [points at Marge]
Marge: Uh, hmm…how about "Ghost Mutt?":sweat:

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
 
Already mentioned. I agree, though, great exchange.

From Dog of Death:

"I knew we wouldn't win."
"Then why didn't you tell the rest of us? WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?! (to Bart) If you were 17, we'd be rich. But noooooooo, YOU had to be TEN!"

^ Er, the fault's on your end for that one, Homer.

From Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

"Why didn't someone tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine."

^ This is seriously one of my favorite Homer lines of all time.

From Lost Our Lisa:

"Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Who is this?
Lisa: It's Lisa! I just called to tell you how much I love you and can I take the bus to the museum?
Homer: Museum? I don't like the sound of that... what did your mother say?
Lisa: Umm, I wasn't one hundred percent clear on that. She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.
Homer: Hmmm, so you wanna take the bus, huh? I don't know, that's a pretty big decision.
Lisa: Well, if it would put your mind at ease I could take a limousine. But that would cost $200.
Homer: $200?! Ohh, isn't there any other way?
Lisa: Hmmm, I guess I could take the bus if you think that's a better idea.
Homer: Frankly, I do. I know you had your heart set on the limo but sometimes daddy's have to say no, honey. I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the bus.
Lisa: Alright.
Homer: That a girl, I love you so- (Lisa hangs up)"

^ This is a GREAT exchange. Not only does it showcase Lisa's ability to outsmart her own father, but there are little touches that make it amusing, like how Homer doesn't even react to the news that Bart went to the hospital, or that he doesn't like the sound of Lisa going to a museum, or that he doesn't even recognize his own daughter on the other end.

From Dumbbell Indemnity:

"Yeah, big deal. You've got a wife- I got a rash. Who cares?"

From Homer the Smithers:

"Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to move your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".

From The Old Man and the Lisa:

"A half-ton of newspaper and all we get is seventy five cents? That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles!"
"Sounds like SOMEONE'S workin' for their CAR! Simplify, man!"

From Raging Abe Simpson:

"OUR RESIDENTS... (shoots) ARE TRYING... (shoots) TO NAP!"

From Fear of Flying:

"Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she'll never annoy us again."

From Monty Can't Buy Me Love:

"There's the store where I buy my yarn! But you don't want to buy your buttons there."
"Whew, well I dodged a bullet."

And from the same episode... "I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest."

^ I'm not a big fan of the Lochness scene, but I LOVE that line.

From Bart's Comet:

"I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families."
"No deal. Out."

^ Homer's line is delivered PERFECTLY.

From Homer Bad Man:

"Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers."

^ So ridiculous.

From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom."

^ I'm not sure what Bible passage he's referring to, but it's an amusing line.

From Bart Star:

"Who are we?"
"The Wildcats!"
"Who are we gonna beat?"
"The Wildcats!"

And another fave from the same episode:

"Mr. Burns? This is Homer J. Simpson, the father of the big quitter! Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too! And I quit!" (winks)
"Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking."
"So- (screams and hangs up)"

From The Mansion Family:

"Thank you all so much. I love Springfield from cuddliest infant... (glances through speech) puppies, patriotism, bluebirds... pffft! I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over."

^ Good old Burns.

From A Milhouse Divided:

"And another thing: It's only 5:30. Why are you in your underwear?"
"Hey, this ain't The Ritz."
 
My favorite "Skinner remembers Vietnam" line is from Team Homer:

"The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!"
 
From "Duffless."

Wiggum: "Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA."
Marge: "Oh my god. He's dead?"
Wiggum: "Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up."
*Hangs up and a woman walks in*
Woman: "My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI?"
Wiggum: "Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch."
 
All from Kamp Crusty.

Jimbo: "Mr. Black another brandy."
Mr. Black: "Gentlemen, to evil."
This is so great because Jimbo is at most 11 and he's supposedly drinking brandy.

Mr. Black: "Children, I have a special treat for you. Krusty the Clown is here."
Bart: *paranoid voice* "See, I told you Krusty would come! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!"
At this point, Kamp Krusty might as well be a slave labor camp, and all this time Bart has held onto the tiny glimmer of hope that Kursty will come to the camp like he said in the commercial.

Mr. Black: "I thought you said you broke their spirits!"
Jimbo: "But we did!"
*Mr. Black backhands him*
Mr. Black: "You broke nothing! Quick, to the hydrofoil!"
 
From When You Dish Upon a Star:

"And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya! Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!"

From Bart Carny:

"You wrecked Hitler's car. What'd he ever do to YOU?"

From Grade School Confidential:

"Stop pushing me. What's going on?"
"Just enjoy the movie, it has Tom Berenger."

And later in the same episode, one of my favorite Agnes moments:
Agnes: I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines. It all started in 1941 when "Good Housekeeping" featured a photo of a lovely cake.
Bart: You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
Agnes: Oh, my, no. I don't care for cake, too sweet. Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page.
Bart: Oh, can't I just turn the page for you?
Mrs. Skinner: (slaps his hand) No!

From Girly Edition:

"Well, you're not taking any time out of my show. It's jammed up as it is. There's a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty's nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino, I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV!"

From Lisa's Date With Density:

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"

From You Kent Always Say What You Want:

"Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Imploring people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody ever saw, that's what I'm doing!"
"...Daddy, we think you need a new mommy."
"First things first!"

From Worst Episode Ever:

"Oh, look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice."

From Two Bad Neighbors:

"Where'd you get those pajamas?"
"They're presidential pajamas. You have to be President, and you're not President!"
"Yes I am."
"No, you're NOT! BAR!"

From Bart the Fink:

"I'm sorry, but I cannot divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. (hangs up) Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. (sighs) It's too hot today."

From Bart's Inner Child:

"Oh no, you DON'T! That trampoline is MINE!!!" (rams a car backing out of the driveway)

From The Boy Who Knew Too Much:

"Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!"

From Bart Gets an Elephant

Homer: "Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property."

From Lard of the Dance:

"The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. (Principal Skinner walks up) Um... uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass. (Skinner nods and leaves) Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar."
 
This is coming from memory so it's probably not 100% correct...

From the first Treehouse of Horror, specifically "Bad Dream House":

Homer: (on the phone) Mr. Plute, when you sold me this house you forgot to mention one thing. You didn't tell me that this house was built ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! (listens) NO, YOU DIDN'T! (listens) Well that's not MY recollection! (listens) Yeah, well...goodbye! (hangs up, turns to Marge) He said he mentioned it five or six times.

^ I love how angry Homer is about this, even though he's not only wrong, he's extremely wrong.
 
"I keep telling you ain't no hookers 'round here."
"Uh huh, and where do you keep the hookers?"
"'Round back...woooops."

I love how he was so easily fooled without ever really being tricked. And the way he says woops always gets me.
 
Possibly my favorite comes from the fourth season episode "The Front":
Lisa: "Grandpa, how did you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?"
Grandpa: "I don't know!"

(BTW, I think this is one of the few times the word "underwear" has been used in favor of "underpants", since Matt Groening considers "underpants" funnier.)

Another on I recently was thinking about is this one from "Cape Feare":
Chief Wiggum: "Sideshow Bob has no decency! He called me 'Chief Piggum!'"
(Laughter)
Chief Wiggum: "Oh wait, I get it, he's all right."
 
From....Dangerous Curves...

Homer: How many times do I have to say "I'm sorry"?

Marge: You never said "I'm sorry"!!!!

Homer:...Well,I was hoping that the number would be zero...

***It never is,Homer,at least if you want to STAY married to Marge****

From...Sex,Pies,and Idiot Scrapes...

(Homer and Ned become bounty hunters,and are after Fat Tony,who is fleeing the scene)

Homer: He forgot to take one thing into account...My reckless disregard for human life!!!

****To be fair,I think that applies to most of the town,otherwise,Homer would probably be in jail ;) ***
 
I think this is from one of the Bart vs Lisa episodes considering the first quote. It's one of my favorite banters between Skinner and Willie though.

Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like the English and Scots. And Irish and Scots. And Japanese and Scots. And Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots…THEY RUINED SCOTLAND!
Skinner: You Scots sound like quite a rough bunch.
Willie: You just made an enemy for life.
 
"Well, I've been starving 'em, teasing 'em, singing off-key. Me-may-ma-mo. May-moo-ma-may."

^...The fact that the dogs attacked Wiggum because apparently the off-key singing was the ultimate torture and the final straw gets me every time.

And I can't believe no one busted out this little gem.

Conan: "Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance."
 
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