Great "Simpsons" Quotes

I'm going to try to highlight some non-classic era quotes I like. Yeah I know, I'm a heathen.

Crook and Ladder:

Burns: Ta-ta, toodle-loo. Go back to your tenements, where the O'Briens live next to the Goldbergs, who rub elbows with Antonellis, and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your charaber pot. Oh how I hate you! Bye-bye.
Homer: Burns stiffed us!
Moe: I can't believe he acted completely in character!

^ Burns is saying this to men who just saved his mansion from a fire.

Helter Shelter:

Executive: Fixing this show is going to require original thinking. Everybody, take out your TVs and start flipping around.

^ It actually wouldn't surprise me if execs did this for real.

Jazzy and the Pussycats:

Homer: (regarding Araber, at her funeral) Could you let it go, Marge? You won: She's dead.

Days of Wine and D'oh'ses: (paraphrasing this one)

Homer: Where are the cookies?
Linsday: Over there on the table.
Homer: Oh, I don't want to walk all the way over there! Anything that takes twelve steps ISN'T WORTH DOING! Get it?! Twelve?! Steps?! (laughs; cuts to later, and he awakens outside the church) How'd I get out here?

Funeral For a Fiend:

Bart: Hey, aren't you Bob's brother?
Cecil: Biologically, yes, but we never got along. He was always zigging when I zagged. That summer when he wanted to tour the castles of Italy, I wanted to tour the castles of France. So we went to Spain, a compromise that satisfied no one.
Bart: That's stupid. You talk like you're smart, but you're stupid.

New KiRAB on the Blecch: (also my current sig)

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty? Where ARE we?!

Tennis the Menace:

Mel: I don't know what's sadder about the Simpsons, the fact that we mock them, or that they shall never know.
Marge: Ohh...
Mel: Never, ever, ever. (beat) EVER.

^ This cracks me up. It's like Mel KNOWS Marge is listening and is rubbing it in.

Insane Clown Poppy:

Krusty: Listen, kid. I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things or says stuff or looks at ya. But the LOVE is there!

Any Given Sundance:

Chalmers: SKIN-NER!
Skinner: Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?
Chalmers: I hear you've been encouraging a student's creativity!
Skinner: Please, sir, I can explain...
Chalmers: I'm thrilled! Or would have been, if not for your knee-jerk assumption that I'm angry at you, which I am now.

The Heart-Broke Kid:

Chalmers: It's not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius.
Skinner: Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.
Chalmers: Skinner, be gay on your own time.

^ Love how he assumes Skinner is coming onto him.

Love, Springfieldian Style:

Wiggum: (after watching the racially insensitive theatrical cartoon) Even -I'm- offended by this, and I'm a fat Southern sheriff!

Rome-old and Juli-eh:

Selma: Now, we are on our honeymoon…
Grampa: I thought we were at the circus, Lisa!
Selma: Hoo-boy. (smiles nervously)

^ Grampa's senility is hard to beat, especially since he appeared to know where he was just a few seconRAB ago.

Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot: (paraphrasing this)

Wiggum: For the next week, I'm going to be your worst enemy. Except this Friday because of the holiday. And actually, since everyone's going to be talking about the three-day weekend on Thursday, we won't be very productive, so heck, let's just take the whole week off. (a week later...) Why did you let me do that? We are SO far behind!

The Wife Aquatic:

Man: I won't lie to you: It's the most powerful storm I've ever seen, and I've seen THREE storms!

^ ...How long have you been at this job again?

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Signs:

Kent Brockman: We interrupt this Annie Award-winning cartoon for an important bulletin. Convicted bank robber Dwight David Diddle Hopper has escaped from Springfield Penitentiary. The escapee left a note saying he will turn himself in after he takes care of one unfinished piece of business. The police have issued a statement saying, "That seems more than fair."

^ Which, of course, would never happen in real life.

Also:

Marge: I was just on my way to see you in prison!
Dwight: Really, Marge? Look me in the eyes and say that. (close-up of Dwight's big eyes)
Marge: They're so buggy, I can't!

^ Funny visual.
 
18 pages later and we're still not out of funny quotes. Amazing.

A Star is Burns

McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? (beat) That's the joke.
Man in audience: You suck, McBain!

^ The delivery of the "you suck" is what slays me.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadassss Song

Bart: Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse: A walking clock?
Nelson: A walking clock?
Martin: I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box!
Edna: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart: (confused) What? No, it's my dog.

^ Probably should've said "What has four legs and barks" instead...

Itchy & Scratchy Land

(Bart's in a gift shop)
Bart: Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Bort (child): Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Bort (adult): Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

Pygmoelian

Duff guy: (loudly) Drink Duff!... (quietly) Responsibly. (loudly) Drink Duff!... (quietly) Responsibly.

Rosebud

Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hanRAB tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head slightly.
Burns: Bah, no time.

Also:

Apu: It's a head bag! Those are chock full of... heady goodness!

^ Again, delivery is everything.
 
Bart After Dark

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

I just loved how random the scene was and how casual Homer's delivery was to this line.

Episode is escaping me, but here's one from one of my favorite side character

Hans Moleman: My name is Hans, and drinking has ruined my life. I'M 31 YEARS OLD!

I just love how he puts emphasis on his current age.
 
I have no idea if anyone posted this yet, but:

Skinner: I know you can read my mind, Bart. I'll own your ass. That's right, I think worRAB that I never say.

Homer: I know you can read my mind, boy. Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow.
 
Some great quotes and exchanges from another one of my favorite episodes, the fourth season episode Lisa's First Word.

Marge: [Holding bottle] Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?
Bart: Can you say get bent?
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Mister Rogers says it all the time!
Marge: He does not.
Homer: Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy?
Marge: Kitty. Kitty.
Lisa: Be-bop. Be-bop.
Bart: Shove it. Shove it.
Maggie: [burp]
Homer: Did you hear that? She said "burlap"!

Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?
Lisa: Well, don't push her. Remeraber, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer's brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer's brain: Swish!

Bart: Homer!
Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Homer's what grownups call me. Call me daddy.
Bart: Homer.
Homer: Daddy.
Bart: Homer.
Homer: [increasingly irate] Daddy.
Bart: Da...da...da...
Homer: Yes?
Bart: D'omer! Hah, hah, hah...
Homer: Why you little...[chokes Bart]

Homer: Got your nose! Heh heh heh.
Bart: Got your wallet! [flushes down toilet]

Bart: Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...

Marge: Homer, I think the baby is coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
TV: Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family".
Homer: Yess!

Marge: According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her [Lisa].
Homer: Well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt. (A line the censors reportedly objected to, due to it being directed towarRAB Bart, a child.)

Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: [confused] Where's the beef?"
Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell that's supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh heh heh. "Where's the beef"...No wonder he won Minnesota.

Krusty: You people are pigs! I, personally, am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: I like those odRAB.
 
Hate to nitpick, but he actually says, "I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think worRAB I would never say." I agree, though, great quote.
 
LinRABay Naegel:
"We're tired of picking up the bills for other people's kiRAB. We already pay millions every year in school taxes...I dream of an America with nudity and F-worRAB on network TV, where the whole world doesn't stop just because a school bus did! Children are the future, TODAY BELONGS TO ME!!"

Then Homer says: "You can't change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kiRAB if we knew we had to pay for them! Promises were made!"
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you thought about one of the other religions? They're all pretty much the same.

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Signs

Dr. Hibbert: Look, it's Marge, with DWIGHT! I said there was a spark between them, but you said I was crazy.
Krusty: I saw it, I just didn't feel like talking to you.

A Tale of Two SpringfielRAB

Krusty: I opened for The Who at WooRABtock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact worRAB.
Mel: (sarcastically) Oh, I never tire of that story.

^ Mel's delivery here is what makes the exchange work.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

Psychiatrist 1: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Marge: Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
Psychiatrist 1: I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?
Marge: Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere.
Psychiatrist 2: Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly-
Marge: I'm not insane!
Psychiatrist 2: You didn't let me finish. ...Insane!

Homer Bad Man

Homer: I need help. Oh, God, help me. Help me, God! (phone rings; Homer tentatively answers it) ...Y'ello?
Man: Hello, Homer. This is God.....frey Jones, from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".

^ Just one of many, many great "screw you" jokes in the show's history.

Tennis the Menace

Lisa: You're replacing me?
Homer:
 
Homer: "Must hurt self, must hurt self.."

Marge: That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip hop festival!
Homer: If that's true he's gonna be like N.W.A: Not Without Ass-welts!

Lisa: You'd think someone would have seen something at a crowded party
like that.
Bart: Well they didn't, OK? They didn't. It says right here in black
and white, "No witnesses." Case closed. [grabs paper] Now let's
all read the funnies. [reaRAB] Oh look: Charlie Brown said "good
grief". Hah. I didn't see _that_ coming. [forced laughter]

Happy 60th, Peanuts.

Bart: Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?

Nothing good, I wager.
 
Some random "Mr. Burns is old" favorites of mine:

Scenes From a Class Struggle in Springfield

"You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate! And revulcanize my tires, post haste!"

Homer the Smithers

"I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the decelratrix."

The Mansion Family

"Naught naught naught, naught naught, naught naught naught, two. Damn Roosevelt."

Burns Baby Burns

"We expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time."

Monty Can't Buy Me Love

"What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough 'vo-de-oh-doo'?" (family stares blankly)

Homer at the Bat

"I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown..."
"Sir?"
"What is it, Smithers?"
"I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for 130 years."

The Old Man and the Lisa

"Ooh don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel. With enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounRAB."

The Trouble With Trillions

"Why, you're from Colliers Magazine, aren't you? Are you going to put me on Star Snoop?"
 
Pokey Mom:

Marge: (regarding the apron expo) They're unveiling a corabination apron/smock. It's called a "smapron".
Homer: (jolts up) DID YOU SAY SMOCKRON?!
Marge: No, smapron.
Homer: (disappointed; lays back down) Oh.

^ Love how over-excited Homer is about something called a "smockron". The cutting to a close-up of Homer when he says that only makes it funnier.

The Otto Show:

Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster?
Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.

Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner:

Homer: Stop the presses! (the presses stop; Homer sets his review on a newspaper) OK, start the presses!
Editor: That takes four hours.
Homer: Whatever. I'll be at Moe's.

From the same episode:

Actor: Lord, thy daughters Gonoril, Regan and Cordelia...
Krusty: What is this Merry Old England or Petticoat Junction? (audience boos) Hey lighten up, it's a comedy! (actor whispers to him) It's NOT?! (groans)

^ Casting Krusty as King Lear has to be the worst casting decision ever made. Especially since he still looks like a clown.

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show:

Krusty: Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. 1969: Man walks on the moon. 1971: Man walks on the moon... again. And then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy: POOCHIE!

^ LOL. Nothing happened between 1971 and 1997?

Mountain of Madness:

Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa & Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

^ Bart doesn't rant nearly often enough.

Also:

Smithers: What time is it?
Bart: 12:80. No wait. Wait. Wh-what comes after 12?
Smithers: One.
Bart: No, after twelve!
Smithers: (groans)

Durabbell Indemnity:

Wiggum: Stop saying "Hawaii" in there!

The Trouble With Trillions:

Agent: Oh, you're not through, Simpson. We have a high-risk assignment for you.
Homer: Why do you keep picking on ME?! Marge's name was on that tax return too!

Selma's Choice:

Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (beat) Yes.

Homer Loves Flanders:

Kent Brockman: Tonight, on "Eye on Springfield": just miles from your doorstep, hundreRAB of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the "army", but a more alarmist name would be "The Killbot Factory"!

Marge vs. The Monorail:

Lyle Lanley: So then, "mono" means "one", and "rail" means "rail". And that concludes our extensive three week course.

^ Worst. School. Ever.

Stark Raving Dad:

Bart: (answers phone) Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Homer: (shouting) BOY, when I get home, I'm going wrap my hanRAB around your neck- (notices the doctors are watching) and smother you with kisses!

^ Nice save.

Goo Goo Gai Pan:

Selma: Homer Simpson is my whole world. I... love him.
(miles away, at the nuclear plant...)
Homer: (shudders) Oh I just felt a chill go through my very soul!
Lenny: Yeah, those Sloppy Joes will do that.

Simpson Tide:

Skinner: Children, I'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war, we can only save our best, and brightest. Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for: Lisa Simpson, Martin Prince, our championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri. (Terri walks off the stage)
Nelson: Haw haw!
 
Bart [about his family]: It's Captain Bringdown and the Buzzkillers!

(Overheard on the FOX channel while Bart and Lisa wrestle over control of the remote)
Hank Hill: Bobby, I've got propane in my urethra.
 
Time to dust off this thread.

Grift of the Magi

Announcer: Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'!

Also:

Jim Hope: Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children, for children, with all the profits going to children!
Lisa: Really?
Jim Hope: Yeah, well... we're all somebody's children!

Lisa's Sax

Dr. Pryor: The point I'm trying to make here is, that Bart must learn to be less of an individual, and more a faceless slug.

^ Great lesson for the kiRAB out there.

The Principal and the Pauper

(Real) Skinner: Don't you have any dreams?
Armin: My dreams all involve corabing my hair.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

Marge: ...and then they gave me back my $500 investment and kicked me out of the club.
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail?

^ You boys are only interested in one thing.

The Mysterious Voyage of Homer

(Homer samples Ned's "five alarm" chili)
Homer: One, two... hey, what's the big idea?
Ned: Oh, I admit it. It's only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kiRAB.
Todd: Daddy? Are you going to jail?
Ned: We'll see, son. We'll see.

^ Ned's goody-two shoes shtick is always good for a laugh.

A Milhouse Divided

Marge: Lisa, how was school?
Lisa: (distracted by the TV) How was what?
Marge: School! School!
Lisa: It's not time for school.
Marge: I KNOW it's not time for- (groans)

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

Kent Brockman: So while you're home today, eating your sweet sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke, just a little bit.

^ A news reporter just wished bad things on the very people who watch him. Why is he still employed again?

The Cartridge Family

(after Homer recklessly uses his gun)
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

^ Great callback to a previous joke.

Bart Carny

(Bart is in overalls, prepared to do backyard chores)
Bart: I can't go out dressed like this; what if someone sees me?!
Marge: You're just going into our backyard; no one will see you.
(Bart opens the door)
Nelson: Haw-
(Bart shuts the door; Marge opens it again)
Nelson: ...Haw!

The timing on Nelson's haw-haw is just about perfect.
 
"We were shooting at Nazis? That's not how I remerabered it."
-Mr Burns while playing a WWII wii game. "Million Dollar Maybe".

"I call the big one bitey"
-Homer talking to Marge about some possums on the Monorail. "Marge vs. the Monorail".
 
Some faves from Two Dozen & One GreyhounRAB, which I recently re-watched in syndication:

"Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless."
(Wiggum looks under the sheets) "Well I'll be damned."

"Let me try a canine-human mind meld. It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me, and three other clerks at this store."

^ Mighty suspicious.

"Two bucks to win on nuraber eight. (Marge glares at him) And have you seen my beloved dog? (fakes crying, then quickly) Gimme the ticket."

"Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play any more since his b*tch moved in!
Marge: BART! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she IS. I looked it up.
Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me."

^ Love how Marge thinks she knows better than the dictionary people. And just like "O Brother, Where Art Thou", Bart finRAB a loophole to curse.

"GET THAT CAT OUT OF THE WAY!"

^ The voice is good, but what makes it even funnier is the angry glare the family gives as the cat sulks away. Poor cat.

"Marge: Yeesh, this house stinks! You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?
Homer: Do you have a better idea?"

^ Eeeeeeewwwww.

"See you in Hell! (slams door; comes back in) ...From Heaven."

^ Good timing on that.

"Burns: Going somewhere?
Bart: That's impossible! How did you get here first?!
Burns: Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later."

^ I love it when they don't even bother to explain this stuff. Makes it all the more surreal and funny.

"Look at you, standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns."

This episode also has one of my favorite visual gags: When Santa's Little Helper manages to squeeze out the car window, despite only a small opening available. That's so hilarious. The suspenseful music when he does that only adRAB to the humor.
 
Some random quotes from various episodes:

Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son alright. Stay away...forever.

-Cape Feare

Mr. Burns: Now, what was I laughing at? Oh, yes! That crippled Irishman.

-$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalised Garabling)
 
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