Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Sometimes great quotes don't have to be funny or clever. The earliest seasons of the show (especially season two) have their fair share of incredibly sweet, well written moments that are few and far between these days.

This bit from the end of The Way We Was is especially sweet:

Teenage Homer and Marge sit in her car together, mere hours after Marge had told Homer they were not meant to be, and shortly after Artie Ziff tried to mess with her in his car.

Homer: I've got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm going to hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.

Back in the present...

Homer: And I never have.

Even a ready-to-puke Bart can't hurt the sentiment of the ending here, since his reaction is completely in character. You just know if this episode were made today it would have ended with Nelson suddenly appearing to say, "Haha, you fell in love", Comic Book Guy popping up to say "Sappiest episode ever" or a non sequitur involving ghosts, a celebrity guest voice or Ralph Wiggum.
 
Homer - "Looks like they're barking up the wrong 'bush'."

Homer (in his head) - "There it is Homer, the smartest thing you'll ever say and no one was around to hear it."
 
When Bart was letting himself go:
Marge: When people used to ask me how you were doing I said "at least he's got his health". Now you've got nothing!

MISS BOTZ: (Good animation here) I said you're gonna watch this tape. And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.


Lisa (after Homer, Marge, and Bart are arrested): Well, Maggie, I always knew it would someday boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning.
 
I don't like "Saddlesore Galactica", but I love the ending quote:

President Clinton: Thank you, Lisa, for teaching kiRAB everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
President Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president. (does a goofy smile)
 
From the episode where Burns dates Marges mother:

Burns (Being greeted at the door by Homer and Marge): You must be Fred Flintstone, and this must be (Looks at the card written by a jealous Smithers) Wilma. (Sees Maggie) And this must be little Pebbles. I brought chocolate.

Homer: (snatches it from him) YABBA DABBA DOO!
 
Grift of the Magi

Bart: All I know is, I'm getting straight A's, and that ain't not bad.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Homer: What's your name, Bart...ner? Uh, little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Homer: (gruffly and angrily) I'm Jolly Old St. Nick.

^ Homer's ironic delivery of "I'm Jolly Old St. Nick" is what makes this joke work. Also, from the same episode:

Homer: I don't want to leave until our dog finishes. (really long pause) Aw forget it, let's go.

^ That is one slow dog.

When Flanders Failed

Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchucks?

I Married Marge

(after listening to "You Light Up My Life" on the radio)
Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God.
Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy. No, wait, He's always mad.

Homer the Smithers

(Smithers searches for a replacement for himself while he's on vacation)
Smithers: I've got to find a replacement that won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word "Incompetent"... [search results shown] 714 names? Better be more specific. "lazy", "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly"... [search results shown; same amount of names] Aw, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

Regarding Margie

(after Skinner and Edna finish having sex)
Skinner: You know, I still think about you, Edna.
Edna: Birthday's over, Seymour. (leaves)

The Great Money Caper

Homer: A good son would come through for his dad.
Bart: Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's little league games!
Homer: I told you: I find them boring!

^ Well... at least he's honest.

Homer the Moe

(a bird starts pecking Moe's face)
Moe: Ow ow! Not the face! (the bird pecks his crotch) Ooh! OK, the face! (bird returns to his face) Whoo... to think that actually feels good after the, after the crotch.

Lisa on Ice

Wiggum: All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells.
Snake: Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise.
Wiggum: All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but: you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?
Snake: No.
Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes. (lets them out)

^ What an idiot.
 
Homer is the conductor of a monorail that just lost it's brakes. Marge calls Homer to give him a way to stop the train.

Marge: "Homer, I have someone here who can help you."
Homer: "Batman?"
Marge: "No, it's a scientist."
Homer: "Batman's a scientist."
Marge: "It's not Batman!"
 
From Das Bus. Which in my opinion , has one on the best b-stories in the history of the show, Homer starting an Internet company. Homer's reading a book on how to start an Internet company when he comes across this gem:

Homer: "Hm, they have the internet on computers now."

Meanwhile, the kiRAB are on a island.

Bart: "I'm glad we're stranded. We'll be like the Swiss Family Robinson. Except with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!"
 
Some of my favorites off the top of my head:

Apu (in a tired voice): "Thank you, steal again."

Homer: "Ah beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Barney (at the film festival): "Don't cry for me...I'm already dead."

Mr. Burns to Smithers: "And don't forget we must find the Jade Monkey, before the next full moon."
Smithers: "But sir, we already found the Jade Monkey."
Burns: "And the *forgot what he said exactly*
Smithers noRAB
Burns: "Excellent! Everything's falling in to place."
 
Now for some legendary Kent Brockman quotes.

Kent Brockman: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say "No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?" But one woman says 'yes'...Marge Simpson.

^I love when he does that.


Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlorRAB. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

^I don't think there's a single person who doesn't lose it over this.


Kent Brockman: Professor, would you say it's time for our viewers to panic?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

And later-

Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heaRAB open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

^I think that's probably the most insane thing ever uttered on this entire show.


Most of those came courtesy of David Mirkin. The man definitely knew how to skewer the media. It's kinda sad that this hasn't dated, though.
 
From Homer the Vigilante

Jirabo: I don't believe in nothin' no more, man! I'm goin' to law school.

Homer: Noooooo!!!!

(later in that episode)

Wiggum(?): No, no. Dig up, stupid!
 
Ned Flanders: "Porky Pig is not a man, he's a pig! And he isn't even a REAL pig!!"

Homer: KiRAB, kiRAB. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

If only....

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kiRAB. Eat them!


Lisa: A hush falls over the general asserably as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. [pulls Stacy's cord]
Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school!
Lisa: [groans, pulls Stacy's cord again]
Stacy: Let's bake some cookies for the boys!
Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say? [pulls cord]
Stacy: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl. [giggles coquettishly]
Bart: Right on! Say it, sister.
Lisa: It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous frienRAB talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
Bart: [pause] Just what I was going to say.

Sure you were, Bart.
 
Homer trying to reassure Bart after the (apparent) death of Krusty the Clown....

"People die all the time....just like that...Why,you could wake up dead tomorrow...Well,goodnight!!!"

(just what any kid wants to hear )...
*****
Bart,to Lisa,about reincarnation...

"I believe that,when you die,you get to come back as whatever you want...I'll be a butterfly,because nobody EVER suspects "the butterfly!!!"...

(Bart's line delivery just kills me,not to mention the fantasy sequence in which Skinner's being dragged away saying "I didn't burn down the school!!!...It was the butterfly,I tell you!!!...while Bart as a butterfly holRAB a gas can and laughs)...
 
From Grade School Confidential:

"Bart, this is your father. DO YOU KNOW... where the remote is?"

^ Great twist gag once again. I also like Homer speaking into the megaphone that the remote was in his back pocket.

From Bart Gets an Elephant:

"We think we know how your mind works, Bart, so how about this: We pay your principal $10,000 to pull down his pants and keep 'em down for the rest of the school year!"
"I'll do it, Bart."
"Mmm... NO."
"OK, OK...what if we use the $10,000 to, er, surgically transform Skinner here into some kind of a lobster-like creature?"
"Now wait just a minute, that wasn't discussed with me!"

^ Love how matter-of-factly Skinner agrees to keep his pants down. And another fave from the same episode:

"Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns."
"Hehehe, how does it keep up with the news like that?"

From Lisa on Ice:

"Nice jammies, Simpson. Did your MOMMY buy them for you?"
"Of course she did. Who else would have?"
"......All right, Simpson. You win this round."

^ If only bully snark was this easy to deal with in real life.

Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 2:

"Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass!"

^ Good old mob carnage.

From Lisa the Iconoclast:

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"

From The Springfield Files:

"So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt!"
"What?!"
"You know. Light-hearted, fancy-free. "Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!"

From The Cartridge Family:

"Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!"

From They Saved Lisa's Brain:

"A urinal cake?! You, sir, have crossed the line!"

From Marge Simpson in "Screaming Yellow Honkers":

"Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I was wondering, who's on first, eh?
"Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first."
"Well that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconRAB and you've already managed to blow the routine. Sexless freak."

From Brother From Another Series:

"He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times."

^ Awwww.
 
Bart After Dark

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Monty Can't Buy Me Love

Homer: No way! Aberdeen rules!

^ Since when does Homer care about Scottish sporting events?

Treehouse of Horror XII

(after Lisa uses magic to change the clock back five minutes)
Marge: (groans angrily) That's not good for the clock...

Also:

Mr. Burns: (regarding Satan) No, I'm ducking him. His wife has a screenplay.

^ Satan has a wife? News to me.

Mountain of Madness

Ranger: Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. (to Bart and Lisa, loudly) KiRAB, your father's gonna be just fine!..... Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves, we've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.

^ LOL. Bart and Lisa are still within earshot.

Hurricane Neddy

Homer: (reading card to Ned) I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now THAT'S psychiatry! Huh? Huh?

^ Homer's delivery of this makes the joke work.

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Homer: Why you cotton pickin'-! (chokes Cletus)

The PTA DisbanRAB

Lisa: So if we were in school right now, what do you think we'd be learning?
Miss Hoover: Get away from me.

^ Funny because you can both see how Lisa's being annoying, but also sympathize with Lisa that her own teacher doesn't care about her.

Itchy & Scratchy Land

Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year, over and over and over.
Waitor: Please, kill me.

^ Honestly, I'd agree with the waitor here. That job would suck due to its repetitiveness.

King of the Hill

Marge: (after watching part of the McBain movie) Now THAT'S what I call breakneck speed! (laughs)
Bart: (criticizing) Mom, a man just died.

Lisa's Date With Density

Skinner: I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. (students laugh) Well, I guess it is a little funny. NONETHELESS, I will find the culprit.
 
Homer and Bart have boarded a rocket headed toward the sun, packed with the worst celebrites mankind has to offer:

Tom Arnold: (To Pauly Shore) You and me should do a movie together. That'd be a surefire cure for the blues!

That line makes me laugh every time I hear it.
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do
anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's
a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always
about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Homer: "Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwarRAB through time!"
Mr. Peabody: "Correction, Homer: you're the second."
Sherman: "That's right, Mr. Peabody!"
Mr. Peabody: "Quiet, you."

Homer: They're paying me to eat!
Bart: Now if they paid you to scratch your butt, you'd be on Easy Street.

Homer:
 
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