Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Marge and Homer are going to a parent teacher conference and Marge says they're bringing dinner home.

Lisa: "What're we having?"
Homer: "Uh let's see, if you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad, poison."
Lisa: "What if one of us has been good and on of us has been bad?"
Bart: "Poisoned pizza."
Homer: "Oh no, I'm not making two stops!"
 
What really makes that line work is seeing Rod (Todd?) take a step backwarRAB while Milhouse is seething.

I also like the following exchange.

"Is this the end of Milhouse...?"

"But...that's my name!"

"I thought I was the only one."

"A pain I know all too well."

"So this is what it feels like...when doves cry!" [sobbing]
 
MARGE: Okay, okay, Homer, you're just overexcited. I just need to get some beer into you, then straight to bed.

HOMER: Woo-woo! BEER-BEER-BEER, BED-BED-BED...!
 
if some of these have already been done then i apologize in advance.

Bart Star
Marge: He's going to need, uh... you know, protection.
Guy: Sure... one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more of... protection... down there (points down).
Guy: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee paRAB. You got it.
Marge: (very nervous laugh) I'm talking about his [muffling] personal area.
Guy: Ah ha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder paRAB.
Marge: Look... I wanna cup.
Guy: Cup? Could you spell that?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh my God!

Little Big Mom
Homer: Hmmm, The Widowmaker? Oh, that one's for the ladies.
"Spinebuster?" Boring! Ooh, "Colostomizer."

Instructor: If you get in trouble, all you need to do is --
[the image of Flanders pushes aside the instructor]
Ned: Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all ... nothing at all ... nothing at all.
Homer: Oh, stupid sexy Flanders.

Homer: Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever!
[Homer gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounRAB]

[Lisa senRAB Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]
Lisa: Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!
Homer: Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!
Lisa: You stay away from Lenny!

Lisa: Would you guys turn that down!
Homer: Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?

Homer: Leprosy? I can't believe it. That fortune cookie was right!
Bart: Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid?
 
-The Boy Who Knew Too Much-

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kiRAB... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
(Homer imagines the freakish kiRAB)
Homer: Aaah!
 
That quote is actually from Lady Bouvier's Lover. And in this case, the sight gag is funnier than the actual line, so to me, it's not really a great Simpsons "quote".

Anyway, my quote of the day:

Lisa's Pony

Homer: Apu, you can take this job and re-staff it!
 
Chief Wiggum trying to find Mr. Burns' car using its security tracking system

Computer: Car gone... car gone...

Chief Wiggum: Yes we know the car is gone. Where has it gone to?

Computer: CAR GONE... CAR GONE...



Lisa's tap shoe malfunctions due to everyone clapping

Prof. Frink: Stop the clapping! You'll kill us all!



From "Homer's Odyssey"

Circe: You must cross the river Styx.

cut to homer on the river Styx with a song by the band Styx playing

Homer: THIS TRULY IS HELL!



Rainier Wolfcastle to piece of pie

Wolfcastle: Remeraber when I said I'd eat you last? I lied?
 
"Why do we always fight on vacation?"

Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of frienRAB. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

Hellooooooooooooooooo......

Bart Simpson: You'd think living with a house full of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.
 
I'm practically in hysterics here. The classic seasons has so many amazingly funny lines. Nowadays the dialog is either painfully delivered or isn't very well written in the first place.

Here are a couple from "Bart's Girlfriend", both taken from the snpp.com episode capsule.

Homer: I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first
date.
[sings] Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset...
Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...
Yes, we have no bananas...[weeps]
Marge: Oh, that's sweet Homer. Our son _is_ growing up, isn't he.
Homer: No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas!
They have no bananas today...[walks off crying]

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

The best part about that second quote is that Homer says all of his lines with absolutely no emotion in his voice and with a wall-eyed look on his face.
 
Skinner: Boo!
Edna: Oh Boo yourself

Edna: Fever! *Pops Ballon*
Bart: Kill me
^ Bart's timing was on point.

Miss Hoover: You earned your A+++, Lisa!
Lisa: Actually there are four plusses.
Miss Hoover: No, that's Drarabuie.

Cookie: Marge..Stay off the west side
later
Cookie: Are you guys talking about the westside?!
Gil: No Cookie I swear I'm scared of you

Ms. McConnell :Lisa comes to us from Ms. Hoover… (makes drinking sounRAB)
While Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel. (fake cough) Slut!
 
Moe is gold in Lisa the Skeptic:

Moe: If you're so sure of what it ain't, how about telling us what it am?"

^ Great command of the English language.

"Pfft. Science. What has science ever done for us? TV off." (TV shuts off)

^ Irony at its finest.

(after a dinosaur bone falls on him) "Ow, I'm paralyzed. I only hope medical science can cure me."

^ See above.

Moe: Go home, science girl.
Lisa: I -am- home.
Moe: Good. Stay there.

Moe: And 20 percent off everything! Hey, does that include rat spray?
Store Rep: Aw yeah.
 
Tatum talking about the baseball game where the Cavalry KiRAB will sing the nationail anthem:

Tatum: The proceeRAB will go to keeping people like me off the streets. Punch and grope, punch and grope...it's all I was taught!


Later at the game when a fight brakes out between the spectators, Moe and Tatum are left face to face after everyone else has already "paired off" fighting

Moe: (Looks up at Tatum) How did this happen?
 
From Lost Our Lisa
Homer: "Lisa, you can't go this far and not go further!"

And from Trash of the Titans.
Quiraby: "All in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson?"
Town: "Aye!"
Quiraby: "Mr. Patterson?"
Patterson: "Oh, I can't tell you how gratifying it is to leave you all wallowing in the mess you made, you're screwed, thank you, goodbye."
 
That line comes from the "D'oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" segment of the season 14 episode Tales From The Public Domain. The episode Homer's Odyssey is a completely unrelated episode from the 1st season. Also, the song playing is "Lady"(1974) by Styx.

I do think that joke is awesome, BTW, as I think Styx is an awful band.
 
Narrator: The dream was over. Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it?

Wiggum: Wait a minute--Bronchial tubes clearing...asthma disappearing! Acne...remains, but...asthma disappearing!

^Again, the way Hank delivered it makes it hilarious.

Homer: Ah, 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. 'Cept for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

Farmer: Oh, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Bart: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Thief: Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. Goodbye.

And to cap off this post...

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their bearRAB, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

EDIT: Forgot this classic...

Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house onLollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
 
One of the many reasons I started this thread. Here's one from the Principal and the Pauper.

Bart: "But he lied about his name."
Lisa: "His name doesn't matter. 'A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.'"
Bart: "Not if you called them stench blossoms
Homer: "Or crap weeRAB."
Marge: "I sure would hate to get a dozen crap weeRAB for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy."
Homer: "Not if they were called scum drops."
 
Back
Top