Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Marge: So I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour guide: No ma'am. I'm drunk.

I'm not sure why, but the delivery always gets me on that one.

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs uncontrollably)... So to answer your question, I don't know.

The best description of muppets I've ever seen.

(Doorbell rings)
Homer: Hello?
Goons: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Goons: Hired goons.
Homer: Hired goons?
(Homer answers the door and gets kidnapped)
*later*
Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons are hired to do.
Homer: Hired goons?

The insanity is too well played.
 
"It burns cause it's love!"-Rod and Tod, not sure what episode. Anyone know?

"Ow my freakin' ears!"- Rod/Tod at Moe's Family Feed Bag

"Hired Goons!"- hired goons

"We beat cancer."- Patty and Selma

"Can't talk. Coming down."- Lisa at Duff Gardens

"Mmm, fish!"- Homer
 
From Cape Feare:

"Oh no! Dad's been drugged!"
"No he hasn't."

From Treehouse of Horror IV:

"Burns: Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead-
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bit-" (door opens)

^ The cutting off of his swear is timed so well.

From King of the Hill:

"Marge: Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
Marge: No, they didn't! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!
Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.

^ Besides the obvious joke that gluttony IS a sin in Christianity, the mental image of Homer eating a bucket of chicken in a church pew is hilarious.

From Mayored to the Mob:

"Agent: People! This man has actually BEEN in outer space!
Edna Krabappel: Ha! Nobody cares.
Neil Armstrong: This is one small step towarRAB firing your ass!"

From The PTA DisbanRAB:

"Lisa, get in here. (Lisa excitedly comes in) In this house, we obey the LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!"

From The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson:

Pleasant female voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea 'not guilty', press 1 now. (Homer presses 1) Thank you. Your plea has been...
Gruff male voice: ...Rejected.
Pleasant female voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Gruff male voice: ...Large lateness fee.
Pleasant female voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for parking officer Steve...
Gruff male voice: ...Grabowski.

^ Love how every parking officer in NYC is apparently named Steve something.

From Lisa's Sax:

"Teacher: "And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No."

^ Again, it's all about timing.

From Grade School Confidential:

"Wiggum: These aren't borabs. They're hot dogs. ARMOUR hot dogs!
Chalmers: What kind of MAN wears Armour hot dogs?!"

From Treehouse of Horror V:

"Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."

^ So nonchalant about slaughterings, I love it.

From Treehouse of Horror II:

After Smithers requests that Burns put Homer's brain back in his body...

"Oh COME on! It's 11:45!"

^ The delivery of that cracks me up. And 11:45 isn't very late at all. Though I guess it is to an old man like Burns...

From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:

"Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas? (listens) Wow. But, uh, but I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation, that... (listens) How could that be worse? (listens) Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary? (listens) I see."

From Smoke on the Daughter:

"Homer: (regarding a room in the basement) Have you ever wonder what I do in there?
Bart: Gay out?"

From Missionary: Impossible:

"If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief!"
"OK, Betty, settle down."
"Sorry, but these thieves just make me so damn mad. You know who you are, THIEVES!"

And speaking of Betty White...

From Homerazzi:

"Homer: Look at those celebrities. I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Betty White: (approaches) Hello Homer, have you lost weight?
Homer: Oh, like you care, Betty White.
Betty White: Tell me, how's Maggie?
Homer: Her name is "Marge!"
Betty White: I was talking about your baby.
Homer: Oh, uh, she's looking very SNAPPY! (takes picture)
Betty White: Thanks for taking my picture. If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped self-addressed envelope, and give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me. (walks away)
Homer: Yeah, that's right! Just walk away..."

From Itchy & Scrachy: The Movie:

"A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour."

^ Exciting television.
 
Some more great quotes....

On going to church...

Marge: Homer,the Lord only asks for one hour a week...

Homer: In that case,He should've made the week an hour longer...Lousy God!!!..

(this exchange tenRAB to go through my head whenever I have to get up early for church )

*****
Another religion quote by Homer...

"Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way?...By praying like hell on my deathbed!!!"

****
from Homer the Heretic (Homer decides to skip church)

Bart: Hey,where's Homer?

Marge: Your father's....resting...

Bart: "Resting", hung over?,"resting",got fired?...Help me out here...

(I love that Bart's well aware of Homer's faults)...
 
"STOP! STOOoooOOP! HE'S ALREADY DEAD!"

I think that's the best and funniest quote in the entire history of the Simpsons.

Homer beating a childhood icon to near death purely because of his own ignorance of the border between the real world and commercials. That and the reactions of the children and the guy next him ("It's just an act!") never fail to make me lose it.
 
From Radioactive Man:

"Qviet! Maybe I can get my citizenship."

^ Good unexpected gag. And I find it funny how Bart didn't realize it wasn't Milhouse even though he probably saw him walking into the classroom.

From This Little Wiggy:

"Greetings, Earth children."
"Where are you from?"
"......Earth."

From Simpson Tide:

"I'm a man of few worRAB. (pause) Any questions?"
"Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?"
"(laughs) I like the cut of your jib."
"What's a jib?"
"(laughs) Promote that man!"

From Moe n'a Lisa:

"That's sweet. I HATE sweet! I need photos! Photos of Spider-Man!"

^ J. Jonah Jameson is one of the highlights in this otherwise dull episode.

From Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield:

"That's the trouble with first impressions. You only get to make one."
"Bells? Where exactly will you be attaching them to that mangled Chanel suit?"
"I thought that perhaps changing suits had gone out of fashion. Eh, Marge?"

^ What a word that rhymes with witch. But that exaggerated jerk quality is what makes her funny.

From Bart Carny:

"Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun, boys. But, I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: And how!
Wiggum: Gee, I hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little uh, understanding here.
Homer: I understand.
Bart: ....Um, hey dad, I.. I.. think he wants..
Homer: Not now, son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Wiggum: Let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any bills around here?
Homer: No. (pause) He's Bart.
Wiggum: Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr. Bribe. Wink, wink.
Homer: .......It's a Ring Toss game!
Wiggum: All right, that's it, I'm shutting this game down."

^ One of the funniest exchanges. Homer is so clueless.

From Little Big Mom:

"You hit her pretty hard there, Rick."

^ Ah, spousal abuse. Not usually funny, but put in the context of I Love Lucy, when Ricky is always yelling at Lucy yet never actually hits her on the show, it's gold.

From The Joy of Sect:

"Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years. Then something might open in a double."
"Ha! Why even unpack?"

From Bart After Dark:

"I've got rocks that need washing at home."

^ Not a line that gets a lot of love, but now it gets some props.

From Lisa the Vegetarian:

"They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe!"
"Now as a special treat courtesy of our frienRAB at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe."

From Lisa vs. Malibu Stacey:

"Ow! Damn sandwich took a bite out of me!"

From Kill the Alligator and Run:

"Here's your mail, dad. That'll be $3 for on-couch delivery."
"And three makes three."
"This money's from the Montana Militia. It isn't real.
"It'll be real soon enough. "

From Take My Wife, Sleaze:

"Ey, remeraber the Fifties? Remeraber television, Coca-Cola, and Dick Clark?"
"(gasps) I remeraber television!"

^ LOL. How can you remeraber television when you're watching the commercial on it? And all of those things are still around.

From A Fish Called Selma:

"Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?"
"You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two!"

^ What exemplary parenting.

From Burns' Heir:

"I specifically said, no geeks!"
"But my mom says I'm cool..."

Oh man, so many good quotes. Somebody stop me.
 
For some reason this made me laugh harder than anything else in this thread.

Bart: "Look at the bus! I was right I tell ya, I was right!"
Skinner: "Right or wrong, you're behavior was still disruptive. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a mad house will teach you a lesson.
Nelson: "Ha Ha!"

The "remainder of your life" always gets me. He's getting put away for saving their lives noisily.
 
"Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead!"
 
Stacy Lavelle: Ah Not Today I'm too drunk
Lisa: No you're not
Stacy Lavelle: Takes a drink *has drunk look on her face*

Lisa: Make sure you get my mom's hair just right!
Stacy Lavelle: Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair.
Lisa: How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Um, there's something not quite…
Bart: How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Uh…
Homer: How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: You all have hideous hair!
*Gasp* I mean, from a design point of view.
(Why were they so surprised?)

Daddy: Goodbye, Margie. Be a good girl, now. [gets on plane]
Marge: Why does Daddy have to leave?
Mommy: Because he's a pilot. He flies all over the world.
Marge: I want to see Daddy fly. [runs up plane steps]
Mommy: Margie! No, come back!
[Marge gets inside, looks around]
Marge: Daddy? Daddy, where are --
Daddy: [a steward] So, who wants pre-flight cookie? Fig Newtons?
Hydrox?
Marge: Daddy? Aah!
Daddy: Don't look at me. Don't look at me!
 
Bart: You could be my father figure.
Homer: No way! I'm not getting my fingerprints on that train wreck! If I lose Maggie, I'm 0 for 3. I gotta get her back!
Bart: I can help you!
Homer: Pipe down, Amtrak!



You sure know how to hurt a guy, Homer.


Roger Meyers: Ok, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing "The Honeymooners", we wouldn't have "The Flintstones"! If someone hadn't ripped off "Sgt. Bilko," there'd be no "Top Cat"! Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Ha! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney! Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? Her? [points at Marge]
Marge: Uh, hmm…how about "Ghost Mutt?"

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousanRAB of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
 
I could fill up this thread with "Homer and Apu" quotes, but this one definitely beats all. Taken from SNPP.com:

Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet?
Homer: Bee? Aah! [stomps on hat, runs out]
Kent: Homer, that hat's been with the station twenty years! He had one day left till retirement.

But the camera inside the hat still works. It is pointed at Apu.

Apu: Well, time to replenish the hot dog roller. La, la -- oops [drops a hot dog] Oh, no -- it is encrusted with filth. [blows it off] Oh well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you...smashed hat. Hee hee --
Kent: Hot diggety-dog, we've got him, Mr. Simpson. Now let's -- Mr. Simpson?
Homer: One hot dog, please.
 
^ Ah, that's right. Thanks.

Mr. Plow:

Salesman: Put it in "H"!

Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily:

Homer: The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a houseplant. LOUSY HOUSEPLANT! (chokes it) You son of a... I'll teach you to...

Mother Simpson:

Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: (teary-eyed) Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace sector 7G! (temporarily sobs; quickly reverts to normal) I'll cross him off the list.

^ I just love this joke, how quickly Smithers recovers from sadness and all.

Also, after the power goes out:

Marge: Uh, excuse me! Sir? I think there's been a mistake.
Electrician: Oh, no, no mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off until you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies.

^ Love how unsympathetic he is, even when offering his sympathies.

ALSO:

Homer: "Here lies"... (removes weeRAB from grave) Walt Whitman?! Aargh! Damn you, Walt Whitman! (kicks grave) I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!

^ What did Walt ever do to him? Well, besides momentarily tricking him. Man, I love "Mother Simpson".

Bart the Fink:

Bank Teller: Oh, kid, I meant to tell you: Turns out Krusty is the biggest tax cheat in history. And we nailed him, all thanks to you! Some might say... you're a hero, kid. (pause) Not me, however. I loved Krusty.

^ Way to make him feel like garbage.

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson:

Chief Wiggum: Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten.

Lisa the Skeptic:

Bart: Where are we going, mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
Marge: Well you might say, we're going to the best steak house in the whole universe.
Bart: So... we're not going to Black Angus.

^ This is a pretty funny exchange that doesn't get brought up much. Three amusing things about it:
1) The fact that the family dresses up to go to Black Angus.
2) Marge compares Heaven to a steak house.
3) Bart doesn't get that she means Heaven and assumes she's talking about a place better than the Black Angus restaurant, thereby essentially calling Black Angus just OK.

The Springfield Connection:

(after the scene where Marge signs up to be a cop, exterior of house is shown)
Homer: You did WHAT?!
(cuts to indoors)
Bart: I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal?
Homer: Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.

^ Gotta love the screw you jokes.

They Saved Lisa's Brain:

Quiraby: (to a horse he's riding) Faster, you moron!

^ This is a quick joke (probably ADR'd) that I absolutely love. Yeah Quiraby, like calling a horse a moron is going to make it run any faster.

I Love Lisa:

Chief Wiggum: Ah, nothing beats a good porno.
Krusty: (turns around) Chief Wiggum! Is this a bust?
Chief Wiggum: Uh, YEAH. That's just what this is: A bust.
(back to present)
Lisa: That story isn't appropriate for children.
Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in THIS version.
 
I apologize if someone mentioned either of these. I looked and didn't see either of these:

Homer:"I don't know Marge, trying is the first step towarRAB failure."


Guy selling some weird Russian food on the streets of New York:
"We have Mountain Dew and crabjuice."
Home:"Ew, yuck! I'll take a crabjuice."
 
"Do you think they really filmed this in Atlanta?"
"I don't know! I don't think it's important."

Oh, and lest I forget...



"Well! I'd expect that kind of language at Denny's, but not here!"
 
From....Dangerous Curves...

Homer: How many times do I have to say "I'm sorry"?

Marge: You never said "I'm sorry"!!!!

Homer:...Well,I was hoping that the nuraber would be zero...

***It never is,Homer,at least if you want to STAY married to Marge****

From...Sex,Pies,and Idiot Scrapes...

(Homer and Ned become bounty hunters,and are after Fat Tony,who is fleeing the scene)

Homer: He forgot to take one thing into account...My reckless disregard for human life!!!

****To be fair,I think that applies to most of the town,otherwise,Homer would probably be in jail ***
 
And let's not overlook this gem, probably my favorite quote from the episode...

Martin: I spent our last ten dollars on this talking Al Gore doll!
(He pulls the string.)
Al Gore Doll: You are hearing me talk.
 
"We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!"
"But, sir..."
*loaRAB gun* "I said 'hop in'."

There was absolutely no way for Smithers to get out of that one. It's no wonder he never appears for the rest of the episode.

I mean, you can't tell me anyone here expected that to happen, right?
 
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