Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Marge: (crying) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time borab and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.

^Way to help, Homer.

Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
Warden: Welcome aboard.


And from another episode from season 15:

Fake Marge On TV: Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife!

^Just the way that's delivered always gets me laughing.

Season 15 is so underrated.
 
All my quotes are taken from "Lemon of Troy", the most underrated episode ever.

"Hey, everybody, an old man's talking!"

"Class, please! If you don't learn roman numerals, you'll never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted."

"What is it, boy? Is there something behind that wall we should beat up?"

"Homer! Come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!"

"And the kid with the backpack said "radical". -I- say "radical". That's my thing that I say! I feel like I'm going to explode here!"

"Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. AND, let's not forget your little speech!"

"This is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!"

Milhouse: "What are they saying?
Bart: I'm not sure.
Milhouse: I thought you said you could read lips.
Bart: I assumed I could."

"We're going up to the bluRAB to paint "Springfield sucks" in huge letters. That way, whenever they look into Shelbyville, they will realize that they suck."

"Rocky II + Rocky V equals... Rocky VII: Adrian's Revenge!"

"I'm never going to find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute- there's a lemon behind that rock!"

"I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's going to stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna- LEMON TREE?!"

"Faster, son! He's got a taste for meat now!"

"Eat my shorts!"
"Yes, eat ALL of our shirts."
 
This is from the episode in which Marge asks for protective gear for Bart:

Clerk: "Cup? Could you spell that?"

Marge: "C-U-P. I wanna C-U-....oh my God!"
 
Hibert: "Ok now Mr. Simpson, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start the jiggling, and see how long it takes to stop."
*slaps Homers stomach fat and it begins jiggling, a few seconRAB go by and the jiggling hasn't even slowed down*
Homer: "Whoohoo, look at that blubber fly!"
Hibert: "Yes. Nurse, cancel my one o'clock."

From Homer's Triple Bypass.
 
Lenny and Carl quote time!

From Homer Loves Flanders:

Lenny: Hey, Homer's got one of those new robot cars! (it crashes off-screen)
Carl: One of those AMERICAN robot cars.

From Treehouse of Horror XIII:

"Anything for Homers!"

From A Fish Called Selma:

Lenny: Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all.
Carl: Ah, this changes everything; I'd pay to see him in a movie now. If only that were possible.

^ Kind of an underrated line.

From Mountain of Madness:

Lenny: Hey, did you hear something?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Hmm. Did I?
Carl: (annoyed) I don't know.

From Behind the Laughter:

Lenny: He [Bart] paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!
Carl: ...Hey, did we ever get that money?

From They Saved Lisa's Brain:

Skinner: Excuse me gentlemen, may I have a peek at your gazebo reservation form?
Lenny: Beat it.
Skinner: (chuckles) We both make a strong case.
Carl: What part of "beat it" didn't you understand?
Skinner: Uh, I guess it would be the "it"; I'm not sure to what that refers.

From We're on the Way to D'ohwhere:

"Sorry, can't talk, Homer. I'm too satisfied in every way!"

From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:

"Any religion that espouses carob isn't for Carl Carlson."

From E-I-E-I-D'oh:

Carl: Hey, Lenny, sendin' some outgoing mail?
Lenny: You know it!
Carl: I'll probably send some tomorrow.
Lenny: I hear that! (feign smiles for a couple more seconRAB and then awkwardly walk away from each other)

^ The ultimate in forced office enthusiasm.

From The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show:

"Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here."

From Springfield Up:

Declar Desmond: Oh, Lenny. Did you ever try that new shampoo?
Lenny: (cheerfully) Nope! Never did! (awkward silence) Wanna watch me pay my cable bill? I have checks with butterflies on 'em! (Declar glares at him; Lenny gets the hint and leaves) I -am- interesting!
Declar Desmond: No, you're not.

From Natural Born Kissers:

Carl: How do you do, ma'am?
Lenny: Hope this evening finRAB you well.
Marge: Oh, knock it off, you perverts.

From Homer Simpson, This is Your Wife:

"Ain't no party like a Lenny party, 'cause a Lenny party don't stop! (looks at watch) Hey, I've got work tomorrow. I better go."

From C.E.D'oh!:

Lenny: -I- say, "Phantom Menace" sucked more!
Carl: -I- say, "Attack of the Clones" sucked more!
 
Homer Goes to College

Board meraber: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified!
Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? (everyone agrees) Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! (Burns weakly hits the man with a baseball bat)
Board meraber: Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: I'm giving you the... beating of your life!
Board meraber: Look, if, stop that! You wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? (Burns collapses)
Burns: Smithers, dismeraber the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

^ Imagine how brutal this scene would've been had Burns not been so feeble.

The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase

Troy McClure: In our final spinoff tonight, the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents. Unfortunately, one family meraber didn't want that chance, and refused to participate. But thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice. Show us what you got, TV!

^ Apparently, viewers are morons.

I Married Marge

Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry?
Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kiRAB will call him Larry Fairy.
Marge: Well, how about Louie?
Homer: They'll call him Screwy Louie.
Marge: Bob?
Homer: Flob.
Marge: Luke?
Homer: Puke.
Marge: Marcus?
Homer: Mucus.
Marge: What about Bart?
Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-yart... Nope, can't see any problem with that!

^ Believe it or not, I didn't get this joke until recently. "Bart" rhymes with "fart". I suck.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

(after Bart and Lisa annoy Homer by repeatedly asking if they've arrived yet)
Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.

Maximum Homerdrive

(after Lisa successfully finRAB a doorbell for Marge before Gil does)
Marge: Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman!
Gil: Oh great, just what I need: Another piranha in the tank.

Realty Bites

Ned: Oh! My d-iddly-ie, will you look at this place! (gasps) And the price has been slashed repeatedly!
Maude: It's sure built solid. The kiRAB could scream bloody murder and nobody would hear!
Ned: Well, I'm just gonna spill my guts, I love it to death! I'm gonna give you a deposit this minute!

^ If only Ned and Maude knew how coincidental their choice of worRAB were...

Homer the Smithers

Burns: I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of Shredded Wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things? Uh... the things?
 
Weekend at Burnsie's:

Marge: Homer, I'm very uncomfortable about having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

^ Like "murder" is any more reassuring?
 
I'm beginning to think "Bye Bye Nerdie" is a real underrated episode. There are so many great quotables...

Marge: Aah! Homer, you're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago!
Homer: They said if I come in late again, I'm fired! I can't take that chance.

Lisa: Give her a break. Remeraber your first day at school?
Milhouse: Not as long as I keep taking these.

Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets, but I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be...

Lisa: How about jazz? You like jazz?
Milhouse: I like jazz...
Lisa: Milhouse, she got you too?
Milhouse: Yeah, but it's not so bad. I'm standing on Ralph.
Ralph: We're a totem pole! Heya hiya, heya hiya...

Nelson: Why you throwin' tomatoes at yourself? Why you throwin' tomatoes at yourself?
Martin: Your very question is faulty.
Jirabo: You're faulty!

Nelson: Please don't hurt me!
Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse.
 
Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quiraby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quiraby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

^... Quiraby really has absolutely no clue, does he?

*At the town hall meeting over spending the town's newly acquired money*
Apu: I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year. As a result, I almost missed work.
Wiggum: [to himself] Cry-baby.

^Yes, how selfish.

Marge: I still think we ought to spend the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should've written a song like that guy.

^Ultimate logic!

Homer: Are we gonna die, son?
Bart: Yeah, but at least we're going to take a lot of innocent people with us.

^Well, at least he's got a positive outlook.
 
How could I forget one of the best exchanges ever? This comes from season 2's O Brother Where Art Thou?:

Director: (who obviously is Dr. Hibbert's brother) I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our recorRAB, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even... Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever-
Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your-
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: Fine! Thank you!

So many great things about this.
A) Homer's so preoccupied with himself that he can't see that the director is so clearly Dr. Hibbert's long-lost brother, and could help him out.
B) He doesn't pick up the not-so-subtle hints that the director gives him about Homer's brother.
C) Homer wasted $20 for information when he didn't have to pay a cent.
D) Speaking of needless turns, their whole exchange would've been much more pleasant had Homer not been so belligerent, which was caused by his clueless demeanor.

Classic Homer.
 
"There's a doin's a transpirin'!"

Lemon Of Troy is one of my favorite episodes ever. I constantly say 'there's a lemon behind that rock!" when the saying is apt... Which is a lot more often than you'd think.
 
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

Seems there's always something to worry about.

Lovejoy: I'm a shepherd without a flock. What have I done to lose them?
St. Eleutherius: The real question is: What have you done to keep them?

He really told it like it was.
 
The best part of that scene is this:

St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeRAB have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
St. Donickus: ...I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
St. Donickus: You... you're just lucky God isn't here.

^ Funny how a supposed saint doesn't know God is omniscient.

Other favorite quotes:

Summer of 4'2'':

Marge: So, did you call any of your frienRAB?
Lisa: Friend? These are my only frienRAB. Grownup nerRAB like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

Also:

Homer: "Wel-diddly-elcome, Simpsons." Oh, jeez, he actually wrote "diddly"!

Lisa the Skeptic:

Bart: Dad, why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat?
Homer: I didn't like it. The mast had termites.
Lisa: Why would a motor boat have a mast?
Homer: Because! The thingy was... shut up!

Das Bus:

Homer: Flancrest Enterprises?
Ned: Oops! That's for me! Flancrest Enterprises is my home business.
Homer: You liar! You don't have a home business, why would you make up a lie like that?
Ned: (laughs) Oh, it's true! Maude and I sell religious book rugs over the Internet!
Homer: Internet, eh?
Ned: Yes, indeedy! Making some good scratch, too!
Homer: Scratch, eh?
Ned: Yep!
Homer: Maude, eh?

Lisa Gets an "A":

Chalmers: Good lord, what a dump. It's not surprising this school was once classified the most dilapidated in all of Missouri. (beat) That's why it was shut down and moved here, brick by brick.

Hurricane Neddy:

Ned's mother: You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin', and we're all out of ideas.

Lisa on Ice:

Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw sorry, Bart. Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but... you know.

^ No, I don't know. Please elaborate, Homer. The overabundance of COPS on Fox is pretty funny, too.

Bart Gets an Elephant:

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. (switches lines) Wiggum... (listens) Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK. (switches lines) Wiggum... (listens) Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. (hangs up) Waaaaah.

Lisa the Iconoclast:

Skinner: He's erabiggened that role with his cromulent performance!
 
From Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaning. Somewhat paraphrased.

General Hap Hapablap: "Gentlemen we have searched every inch of this air base for Sideshow Bob and all we've found is porno, porno, porno!"
Quiraby: "Bring in the, uh, representatives of television."
*Burablebee Man, Kent Brockman, Krusty and some others enter the room. Krusty sees the piles of porno on the table*
Krusty: "Whoa, now this is my kind of meeting!"

Also

Lisa: "When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?"
Bart: "Tight, binding underwear?"
Lisa: "Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!"
 
Kill The Alligator And Run

Plant Psychiatrist: You hate your father.
Homer: Sometimes, but the person I really hate is your father!

Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. Drunken hicks of the jury...
(The jury gasps and drinks from liquor bottles)

Two Dozen And One GreyhounRAB

Lisa: But they're our puppies! You stole them from us!
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
(Lisa starts dialing 911)
Mr. Burns: Gimmie that!

Brother From The Same Planet

Ned: Hey Homie, I can see your doodle.
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.

Selma's Choice

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!

Marge vs. The Monorail

(Sung to the tune of "(Meet) The Flintstones")
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson.
He's the greatest guy in his-tor-ey
From the Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree...
AUGHHH!!!
 
I like that joke, but even more so, I like his exchange with Edna:

Edna: Can I give you a ride home?
Tatum: ...You really don't want that. Trust me.

A dark joke, but I love it.
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Behind The Laughter

Homer: I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Then came the rocks -- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags.

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
(Camera switches to Homer)
Homer: That's impossible! How would I have gotten all four necessary drops into her cereal?
(Long pause)
Homer: What?

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry onscreen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge
 
This thread could easily last longer than the series because there are so many quotes that can be interpreted as great for different reasons (delivery, personal relation to the subject at hand, etc). I love how people aren't just listing quotes from "the golden years" including those who I've seen mentioned how much they hate every season past them. Ahhh, the power of The Simpsons.

It's impossible for me to list all of my favorite quotes from a 20+ year old show so I'll just go with what's on my mind, beginning with a conga:

"You don't win frienRAB with salad, You don't win frienRAB with salad, You don't win frienRAB with salad ..."

A couple of Nelson quotes:

"Your position has been usurped ..... USURPED".

"Haw Haw, I touched your heart".

A chant for the leader: "Nanananana leader ... leader .... BATMAN!! I mean, Leader".

- "You have insulted my honor and I demand satisfaction".

Ray Majini and Homer at the hardware store:

Ray (holding a box): Hey Homer, I just got a case of the shingles.

Homer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what's in the box?

- "Beware the wrath of Kwan".

One of the senior citizens at sea with Bart and Lisa: "I want some taquitos" I love how they even use that line during the end credits.

"KiRAB, I have some bad news about Lenny" "NOT LENNY"

Homer (on the deck of a navy submarine): "It's my first day".

"The line is up and at them" "UP AND ATOM" (love how McBain says that line)

Homer (after cursing due to Bart's antics with a car): "Very well. I will send Bart the money. : in a cutesy tone: Then I will murder him."

"Lisa likes Milhouse" "NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE"

Sideshow Bob's son (in stabbing motion): Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson.

Homer (after seeing the real Seymour Skinner): Continue looking shocked and move slooowly towarRAB the cake".

From two weeks ago: "Drink. Always drink".

- "nobody suspects .... the butterfly" :cue Principal Skinner: "I tell you, it was the butterfly who did it". :close up of butterfly bart laughing:

Homer as The Pieman about to throw a pie: "I've run out of clever puns" :throws pie:

"Bye Bye Sherri Bobbins. Thanks for everything." "So Long, Superman".

Marge: Bad dog .... bad cat .... bad fawn.

"Homer, you've just been shot. You should go to the hospital". Homer: "After pie".

Marge (as a bodybuilder): You've just been Marge-inized.

Woman in audience: That man has the heart of a poet.

Barney: You're very kind.

Woman: Ugh, did something just crawl in your throat and die.

Barney: It didn't die.

During the end credits: Woman: "Shhhh" Simon Cowell: "Oh, shh yourself".

Homer, while being attacked by crows: "That is NOT a worm".

Then there's Mr. Rogers line while he, along with PBS, is chasing Homer. I'd like to quote it but it has language that may anger the moRAB that be.

I could really go on and on and come up with more based solely on a quick episode description (I'm not the type who memorizes episode titles), but I don't want to mess up quotes verbatum or copy a quote someone else listed like I probably already have.
 
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