Great "Futurama" Quotes

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karmac

New member
Well, the quotes threads for Simpsons and Family Guy seem to have petered out (no pun intended) so here's one for Futurama. And I've got three good ones right off the bat.

Put Your Head On My Shoulder

Judge: Five hundred dollars and time served!
Bender: Stupid anti-pimping laws. (to Leela) Well, pay the man!
(Bender turns and walks away in an exaggerated strut. Two Hookerbots follow.)
Hookerbot: Bender honey, we love you.
Bender: Shut up baby. I know it.


Parasites Lost

Hermes: He'll be as flexible and as strong as Gumby and Hercules combined!
Zoidberg: Gumbercules?! I love that guy!


A Head in the Polls

Bender: Give me by body back you two-bit thief!
Nixon: Now look here you drugged-out communist. I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog Checkers.
(Checkers - a head in a jar like Nixon - barks once.)
Nixon: SHUT UP, DAMMIT!!!!
 
The Cyber House Rules

Kirk: Nice depth perception, one-eye! Ah ha ha ha!
Leela: How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're blind!
Kirk: My eyes may not work, but at least I've got two of them! AaaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

A Head in the Polls

Bender: Bodies are for hookers and fat people. All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.

When Aliens Attack

Farnsworth: Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead.

Roswell That Ends Well

Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time.
Fry: But, but won't that change history?
Farnsworth: Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! SCREW history!

A Big Piece of Garbage

Narrator: The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it, not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean.

Also:

Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did?
Fry: Well who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.
Farnsworth: Exactly! It's none of our concern.
Fry: That's the 20th century spirit!

Spanish Fry

Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small--
Bender: In this case "small"! Whoooooooooo!

^ I love Bender's exaggerated hoots during the last couple minutes.

The Luck of the Fryrish

Farnsworth: Shut up, friends. My internet browser heard us saying the word "Fry" and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday, and ordered me some french fries.

How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back

Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.
Leela: Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's been there before.
Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times! (laughs maniacally)

^ Farnsworth's senility is always good for a laugh.
 
Bendin' In The Wind:
(Fry extracts a Volkswagon Micro-Bus from a waste site.)
Bender: What is that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?

(Later, after arrival at Planet Express)
Leela: What is that? One of those Jefferson Airplanes I've heard so much about?

Then...

Amy: This speedometer only goes up to 80. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour?
Fry: No, it can't. But it's got a driver's side floor and an eight-track player with genuine mono sound.
Professor Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets you speed up or slow down the passage of time?
Fry; (pulls out a bong) Under the seat.
 
War is the H-Word

Nixon: Joining you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.
Kissinger: How are you?
Bender: Is he any good?
Nixon: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said!

^ Burn!
 
From "Put Your Head On My Shoulder"

(Bender starts a crooked dating service and sets Leela up with Sal )

Sal: (Noticing that Leela is a cyclops) Ew! Nice eye-ball, Eye-ball!
Leela: Nice ass, Ass!

From "Fry and the Slurm Factory"

Fry: What if the secret recipe in Slurm is...PEOPLE?!?
Leela: Nah, there's already a drink like that: Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.

Also

Leela: (To the Worm Queen) How could you let people drink something that comes from your behind? It's disgusting!
Worm Queen: Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you used toothpaste?
Fry: Who's behind does that come from?
Worm Queen: You don't wanna know.
 
Fry and the Slurm Factory:

Prof. Farnsworth: Eeww! Who are those disgusting orange men?!
Glermo: Those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work in my factory.
Prof. Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them!


The Sting:

Fry: How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes: No, no, no!

A Big Piece of Garbage:

The Professor is showing Fry, Leela and Bender his latest invention, the Smell-o-Scope. Fry sniffs some planets.

Fry: As long as you don't get me to smell Uranus! (He laughs. Everyone else stares blankly at him.)
Leela: I don't get it.
Prof. Farnsworth: Sorry Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620, to put an end to that stupid joke once and for all!
Fry: So what's it called now?
Prof. Farnsworth: Urectum. Want to smell?
Fry: Uh, I think sniff I'll around this area for a bit.

-What was really funny about this joke is that is was called back to in one of the Comedy Central episodes: a map of the planets was shown on the screen, and Uranus had the caption 'URECTUM' next to it. :D
 
The Farnsworth Parabox:

Prof. Farnsworth: Ah. It would appear that the key difference between our 2 universes is that coin flips have opposite effects.
Bender: That explains Fruity over here. (Points to his parallel version, who is golden.) I flipped a coin to choose my color: Foghat Gray.
Parallel Bender: Bite my glorious golden ass!
 
My two most memorable quotes/exchanges:

Crimes of the Hot

Man: You're probably wondering why your ice cream went away. Well Suzie, the culprit isn't foreigners, it's global warming!
Suzie: Gwobal wappa?
Man: Uh, yeah...

Bendin' In the Wind

Bender: Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh
Well, Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride,
Blah, blah, blah, something, Bender is great.
Froggy went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh.
 
From "I, Roommate"

Fry: I can't believe they kicked me out! I must've been acting like a real jerk!
Bender: Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You. Me. (turns to the man in the table behind them) This jerk (the man looks at them awkwardly, then Bender turns back around) That's my philosophy. So, where are you going to stay?
Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?
Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous! Why don't you just move in with me?
Fry: You sure I wouldn't be imposing?
Bender: Nah, I've always wanted a pet.
 
Some of my faves....

The Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings

Bender (to Fry) : To get what you want,you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil...By "devil",I mean "Robot Devil",and by "metaphorically",I mean "get your coat"...

^ He could've just said "Let's go to the Robot Devil" :D

Also...

Robot Devil (to Fry) :Can I have my hands back?

Fry: No!

Robot Devil: You're not nice!!!!

^ I love Dan Castellaneta's line delivery here...

and...

Robot Devil: Your lyrics lack subtlety!!!...You can't just have your characters announce how they feel...That makes me feel angry!!!

^Robot Devil doesn't practice what he preaches

The Farnsworth Parabox

(A bunch of crashes is heard)

Farnsworth: Buddah!!!,Zeus!!!,God!!!!....one of you guys,DO SOMETHING!!!!

(more crashes)

Help!!!....Satan!!!!...you OWE ME!!!!

^...well,if your god of choice isn't willing to help :sweat:....

The Sting

After Fry's apparent death...

Leela: He died because of me!!!

Farnsworth: NO,no,no,no.....(Loudly,to Bender) I'M LYING TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER....

^Would've worked better if you didn't shout,and she wasn't within earshot in the first place

Also...

Leela: This is proof that Fry still exists somewhere...

Farnsworth: Of course he exists!!!...As a frozen corpse in outer space!!! (laughs).....Oh,I've made myself sad....

and...

Leela: I'll go into outer space,get Fry's corpse,and put it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead....That'll prove I'm not insane!!!

^No,actually,that'd do the opposite...

The Problem with Popplers

Free Waterfall Jr. :You shouldn't eat things that feel pain!!!

Bender throws a rock at him...

Free Waterfall Jr. : Oww!!!

Bender: OK,guess we won't eat YOU!!!

^Never give Bender an opening,,,,

Bendin' in the Wind

Hermes: Bender,you got mangled,then became a rock star....Both our dreams came true!!!

^Kinda mean,but considering that Bender's a jerk to him...
 
I don't remember the episodes these are from, but they always sort of stick out in my mind.

Fry: "Don't you worry about Planet Express, let me worry about blank!"

Leela: "Guys who call too much are the worst... I bet."

Professor: "That's no excuse for ocean RUDENESS!"
 
Insane in the Mainframe

Roberto: Hi, Red!
Fry: Roberto! W-w-what are you doing here?
Roberto: I got busted robbing that bank again.
Fry: Why would you hold up the same bank twice?
Roberto: Ah, that first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little. What's the matter? You scared?!
Fry: N-- N-- N--
Roberto: Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back, I gotta practice my stabbing.

^ I love Roberto's delivery in this scene, especially combined with the appropriately claustrophobic direction.

War is the H Word

Zapp: The bomb is voice-activated. It will detonate the instant the robot unwittingly speaks a certain word.
Fry: What's the word, uh, sir?
Zapp: It's the one word the robot uses more than any other. We got it from this convenient database of his 10 most frequently-used words. Number 10, chump; number nine, chumpette; number eight, yours; number seven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number five, bite; number four, my; number three, shiny; number two, daffodil. And Bender's number one most frequently-uttered word, the word which, if uttered, will blow up this entire planet: Ass.

^ "Daffodil" is absolutely hilarious. Completely unexpected joke, and it especially comes out of nowhere for those who have watched the show from the beginning and know Bender's catchphrase is "Bite my shiny METAL ass."

My Three Suns

Fry: If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

I Dated a Robot

Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon and the stars and the (harsh robot voice) POETIC IMAGE NUMBER 37 NOT FOUND.

Xmas Story

Bender: Ah, lets face it: Comedy's a dead art form. Now, tragedy... (laughs) That's funny!
 
Hell is Other Robots

*the Robot Hell song; too big to quote*

"Stop them! They cheated!" --Robot Devil (this is after playing the violin with THREE HANDS)

*the exchange between Bender and Leela*
"Bender, can't you go any faster?"
"I would if you'd drop the stupid violin!"
"Oh, sorry."
*Gold violin lands on Robot Devil's head; shrieks*

Fry and the Slurm Factory

"Milk comes from a cow's behind! Honey comes from a bee's behind! And don't get me started on toothpaste!"

"Who's behind does that come out of?"

"You don't wanna know." (exchange between Slurm worm and Fry)

Bender's Game
"Way to ruin the franchise, Bakula!" ---George Takei's head
"Where the hell are we? Hell?" ---Fry (I think)

The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
"I am the greetest! I am now leaving Earth for no raisin!" (Brain Spawn; trapped forever in Fry's crummy story full of plot holes and grammar errors)
 
Futurama has a lot of great lines, but I don't think I love them as much as I love George Takei's rant towards William Shanter for assuming he knows karate based on his ancestry:

"I find that offensive. Just because I am of Japanese ancestry, you assume I know karate. Have I ever led you to believe I have studied karate?"

In just three sentences, he managed to sum up a lot of feelings I encountered over things of this matter over the years. It's because I relate so well to it that I laughed my butt off.
 
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