I keep having dreams. They change subjects a lot - sometimes it's of the world around me, sometimes it's about my brother and sometimes, recently, it's about my father. The ones about the world are almost ALWAYS dreams about the past. Either my childhood or just a year ago. But for some reason, they're always so dark. They seem like the very epitome of loneliness. Everything is silhouetted. They make it seem like happiness itself was just an illusion - like I've never been happy once in my entire life. Because of these, I hate my memories now. They scare me. Every time I reminisce or notice something that reminds me of the past, I can feel this panic growing.
I had some about my brother. I wasn't able to talk to him normally for a week. I would shut down and force myself to react on impulse - I used the same jokes a lot, and I just felt like a robot. He even compared to one during this time, so I guess I wasn't being very secretive about it. Eventually, I was sort of able to get over it. I could talk to him normally again. I still remember that time and it just feels like a crater in my body, like something I'll never truly forget or get over.
Recently, it's been about my father. But I don't really feel like talking about those. |D
I don't know why I'm having these dreams and why I'm feeling this way. I have experienced a sort of a reality shock lately, but that was three months ago. And I'm still feeling this way. It feels like my brain is doing a rundown of everything I've ever experienced, everyone I've ever known. And that's a lot of people. The dreams about my father specifically are making me feel really sick of myself. Every time a bad thought about him passes my mind, I just feel like ripping my face off. I am SO sick of feeling this way.
I don't know what I expect here though. Maybe someone understands.
If it changes anything, I'm sixteen years old.
I had some about my brother. I wasn't able to talk to him normally for a week. I would shut down and force myself to react on impulse - I used the same jokes a lot, and I just felt like a robot. He even compared to one during this time, so I guess I wasn't being very secretive about it. Eventually, I was sort of able to get over it. I could talk to him normally again. I still remember that time and it just feels like a crater in my body, like something I'll never truly forget or get over.
Recently, it's been about my father. But I don't really feel like talking about those. |D
I don't know why I'm having these dreams and why I'm feeling this way. I have experienced a sort of a reality shock lately, but that was three months ago. And I'm still feeling this way. It feels like my brain is doing a rundown of everything I've ever experienced, everyone I've ever known. And that's a lot of people. The dreams about my father specifically are making me feel really sick of myself. Every time a bad thought about him passes my mind, I just feel like ripping my face off. I am SO sick of feeling this way.
I don't know what I expect here though. Maybe someone understands.
If it changes anything, I'm sixteen years old.