Another ramble from me:)

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Secrets1983

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Hey emsmom!

Thank you for your sweet reply as usual!!!! You are such a wonderful supportive person! I do feel like I have turned some sort of corner. Things just feel a little different. It's like I have been given a new sense of hope and a renewed strength to fight. I don't know where it came from but I consider it a blessing!

I have thought about going to see a counselor. I of course have thought about going to NA but yes, I am a well known business person in the town I live in and I don't feel comfortable doing it local but of course since I have not told me husband I can't exactly sneek off to another town for it... I know it would be in my best interest to come clean with everyone close to me but as you know the other part of me wants to just let it stay a secret and deal with this issue I got myself into on my own. So far it seems to be working... I couldn't imagine seeing the disappointment in their eyes and I just can't seem to bring myself to hurt them. SO part of me feels like i just need to deal with this...

I don't know... That whole part of it flip flops in my mind but for now I am going to focus on the good and the progress I have made and enjoy it. I am sure the positive good feelings won't last forever.

Also, I KNOW I am making excuses for me hiding this and I don't think that is good. However, they may be valid excuses but an excuse is just an excuse...

So I guess I will have to continue this until I find the courage to SPEAK!

Thank you for not judging me! It feels so nice to be able to be open and honest with you and you don't put me down for it. You are a blessing in my life.

Thank you for being you! I hope this finRAB you happy and healthy!
Sending you a warm hug friend!
 
Well, you asked for it.......

I AM HAVING A MAJOR CRAVING RIGHT NOW. I am so tired I can barely keep my head up to work..... I miss that energy but don't want anything to do with the drug because I know what it would do to me.

I feel proud for being able to keep fighting the good fight but I have only been clean since Nov. and I had 1 slip in there..... Still proud though!

Just having a hard day but looking forward to the weekend. We are going to go buy a new lawn mower and pick up some mulch and get the yard in order... I always feel better when everything looks good around me... It's probably some disporder I have but I like clean nice looking yarRAB and houses... I don't see anything wrong with that!

Okay.. Now i am getting off topic and rarabling..... Thanks for letting me share!
XOXOXOOXOX To you all!
 
I AM AWAKE NOW!!!! hahahhaa

Sorry, I know I have not been on here much lately but work has just been chaos. None of us can seem to catch up. I have been working late nights to get everything done because my clients are very important to me but tonight I think I should be able to head out of here around 7! Spend some good time with the hubby!!!

We spent all weekend doing yard work together with our new lawn mower and weed whipper. Lawn mower is AWESOME, weed whipper sucks! We used it once and now we can't get it to start again and if my husband can't get it to start then there HAS to be something wrong with the darn thing. So back to home depot tonight after work to return and pick out some more stones with my husband for the new walk ways he is doing in our yard! I love that man, he is so handy! We did a lot of new stuff to the yard that we have never been able to do in previous years but I received an unexpected bonus at work for all my hard work and late nights that we just decided to do all this stuff.. We are having so much fun doing all the work and it is looking so nice. We also put in out door lighting!!!! So pretty for our little house.

All this work has kept the cravings as bay but last night.... Last night I was just having SUCH a hard time. To make it go away I cooked a really nice meal and by the time I sat down to eat I felt better. I am doing for the most part good! I have my good days and bad days still but I think it will be this way for a while.

Thanks for checking in with me Scott! That was so sweet of you. So.. Now that you have woken me up.... are your eye balls ready to fall out? :eek:
Love to you all!
Secrets
 
glad to hear you doing well , ya i did some diffrent things to my yard this year too i put in solar lights for the flower garden , be careful not to burn yourself out with the late nights at work, its nice to have a little extra $$, i know what your saying . i have done pretty good for myself since i got sober , i found out the money , wow i got some now , where as before i always struggled to pay the bills , an if it meant drinking or paying the phone bill , i drank up the phone bill alot , ya those darn weed eaters . i dont know how i got a good one 2 years ago ,an it still runs :wave:be good scott:p
 
HALT... take care of these and you will less likely to relaspes of live in a dry drunk,(bad attitude)

H = hungry

A = angry

L = lonely

T = tired
 
Hey secrets,

Thank you for your wonderful reply. You are a very caring person. I read what Reach wrote to you - remeraber that - we are all blessed to have her (Reach, I think your reply was delicate but firm - exactly what Secrets needed to hear :)).

I also realy enjoyed denon's reply to you. I laughed when I read "diarrhea of the mouth." But really, his reply was heartfelt and honest.

I'm glad you feel less pressure regarding your excuses drama. You shouldn't be putting yourself down, however if it helps to say it's a "reason" then it's my pleasure to change the wording :)

Thank you for your kind worRAB - That gave me a smile :)

The weekend is almost here. Any exciting plans?

Have a great day,
Love emsmom
 
Hello FrienRAB :wave:

I just wanted to kind of give an update and also share some thoughts and feelings I have experienced along the way. Buckle up! hahaha

Today I feel pretty good! It seems that this has been a rollercoaster ride from day one. I am sure any of you who have started down this path of recovery know exactly what I am talking about :eek: I also have been lost in thought a lot recently and came to the conclusion that I jumped from one roller coaster ride onto another. Being an active addict was a bumpy ride as well. It was full of anxiety (how I would have enough pills to get thru each day) and stress. My mind was always thinking about how many pills I had left and how I could get my Dr. to refill my script early. After going thru both rides I have FIRMLY decided that the recovery rollercoaster is a hard ride but the better choice between the two hanRAB down! Yes, I may still have anxiety and stress but who doesn't? At least I don't have to worry about going thru w/d anymore, I just have to worry about staying clean... It's also GREAT to not be a SLAVE to a pill bottle. So that is one random thought....

On to the next.. hahahhaa I also did a little personality check. Sometimes I may feel like I may not be the "old me" but thanks to the support of all of you on here I am starting to believe that who I am right now is a good caring person and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Sometimes I might not seem as "fun and exciting" but at least I am not chemically enhancing myself. I think it's time to love myself for me and stop trying to be something I am not. I know I will still have a struggle with this because I seem to always want to make everyone around me happy and I usually suffer for it but it's something I am working on and I know these things won't be all healed over night but at least I feel like I am making some progress. WOOHOOO!

I also have come to the conclusion that I am going to have different feelings from day to day so even though I feel really strong today, I may not feel that way tomorrow but that is okay! I don't have to be healed over night or even over a few months! I just have to be able to get thru each day and as long as I focus on that, I am not a failure. I think I was looking at this all wrong before because I was putting so much pressure on myself because I thought that if I felt GREAT one day and then the next I was having a hard time with my addiction that I was a failure and that is not true. I would never look at any of you who were struggling and fighting and say you were a failure so why would I put that on myself???

Okay... For those of you who made it this far... CONGRATS! It is another long one! I appreciate every one on this board for their continued support and frienRABhip! It means the world to me!

I hope this finRAB you all with peace in your heart today!
 
Hey friend,

First of all, you don't have to call it an "excuse." Why don't you try calling it a "reason" as you have many reasons why you aren't ready yet. You know yourself better than anyone else. That's something you can hold on to - You know yourself better than anyone else.

I support anything you decide - as long as it's not to start using again, then you're outta luck haha.

So, it "was" you that I remeraber saying you can't go to NA cause you may be noticed. It's not anonymous if people know you, is it? Actually, I met a few people I knew - in NA - and I live in Toronto (five million people)!!! So, you kinda have a "reason" for that one lol.

Take it easy, take a deep breath and remeraber how far you've come. Wow, you should be proud of yourself! You've essentially done this on your own, with the help of an anonymous message board. Keep doing what you're doing, cause it's working :)

Hugging you back :)
emsmom
 
Hey Secrets, your post reminded me of that movie with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia, When a Man Loves a Woman. Meg is just about to leave treatment and she's talking to her counselor and she's worried she won't be the life of the party anymore. Great movie. You have some great insights for someone so young both in years and recovery. You must be on of those "old souls"!;) Keep up the great work!!

Melissa
 
Hey Secrets,

Take a deep breath! Go out for a walk on your lunch break, if possible. Take in the fresh air, think of the positive things in your life and remeraber how far you've come.

It's important to talk about cravings. SO important. The reason is, someone may say "just" the right thing to help you. It could be a stranger on the street or a family menber, who knows.

My friend, I am so proud of you. You have managed to stay clean with only the help of this board! You are a strong young woman, who has SO much to live for :) Don't ever forget that.

Your friend,
emsmom
 
Thank you all so very much. I swear I don't know what I would do without you guys! Between the ups and downs you have been there thru every step of the way and it's something that I will never forget. If I was standing in front of each and every one of you I would give you each a very big hug and probably cry because your kindness has been so overwhelming to me.

Somehow everyone always knows just what to say right when I need to hear it.

I sturabled on this board my accident many months ago but I now know it was no accident. I have made many frienRAB along the way.. Some I still have, some have gone on leaving us to wonder where they went and how they are doing but I hold everyone past and present in a special place in my heart.

I KNOW I have a long way to go in this recovery process but I am happy to say I have come a long long way since my first post here. I would be mortified to read those posts from way back when.... I have not had enough courage to do so yet.. One of these days I will.

It's 1:30am right now where I am and I am still wide awake. I usually would be collapsed by now but I think I know why I am so wide eyed. I am in a house right now that I KNOW has pills in it and I have no desire to even go searching. None at all. It's the first time EVER since becoming an addict that I feel this way. It makes me feel so happy and so full of life that I can't sleep. I am proud of myself. I will of course keep my guard up but right now I am relishing in this feeling and enjoying every moment. I just had to share that with you all.

Well, for those of you who have made it this far.... Thank you for reading and I hope this post finRAB you all with peace in your heart tonight because you all deserve it.

Oh.. and I know there are lurkers out there reading and I just wanted to tell all of you that you can do this. Many months ago I was using so heavily and I never thought there was an end in sight but there is and if you find the courage... we will be here for you. Just introduce yourself and we will help you find the strength to start.

Blessings to you all!
 
Hey Melissa,

So very kind of you to say! I love that movie by the way! It's a very emotional movie and it reminRAB me that I should rent it to watch it again sometime!

I appreciate your kind worRAB, I really do. To be honest never in my life would I have EVER guessed I would be in this situation. I don't think anybody in my life would believe it either. It's so "unlike" me.. Or at least the old me. I think I have finally accepted me for myself... It's a REALLY good feeling. I may have made some really big mistakes in the past and told lies that I never thought I could but there is nothing I can do about it now... besides make what I did better and try to make something good of it. Maybe that is the lesson I am supposed to learn... I am not sure but I think there is much more for me to learn and I feel lucky to be one of the ones who still has a life to learn from. The people out there whose lives have been taken because of addiction from overdose or accidents or whatever where not spared and I feel I was blessed at a second chance and I don't want to waste it. When I am blessed enough to have children I want to be proud of who I became on my own as a woman and become the role model they will deserve.

Today what I feel most is Blessed. I don't know what happened overnight but I feel a sense of peace that I have not felt in a REALLY long time and I just want to be thankful for it.

Thanks so much for your support! I hope you are having a low pain day! I was thinking about you over the weekend wondering how you were holding up! You take care!

One day at a time........
 
Hi Secrets

I read the worRAB of your first post on this thread and felt as though I was reading them in a mirror. Everything you wrote feeling and noticing mirrors my own path as I reached recovery. And Emsmom is correct... it is about a year that we spend in recovery reflecting and having the subtle changes take place in our thinking. We are not exactly the same person we started... and be thankful for that! We grow in recovery and become so much more in tune with ourselves and our position in relation to our world. I was also the perpetual peple pleaser... and you know what I discovered? It is not my job at all. My job is to work on me and not assume others can not be happy without my imput. Of course we should always do good when the opportunity presents itself, but it is an arrogance on our part that we need to please others... we do it because it fulfills our own neeRAB. In actuality, the life of a people pleaser is the life of someone who becomes totally dependant on others to be happy, not the other way around. Like children, we revel in the happy looks on others when we do an action to please them. But also like children, we will never grow and mature until we start striving for a life that is created in independently finding our happiness. I guess it comes down to seeking and finding a happy balance between our obligations to others and obligation to ourselves.

I am not lecturing here, Secrets, I am sharing with you the discoveries I made about my own self.... and it seems the discoveries are much like yours. I have often said and continue to say that the year of withdrawal and recovery was the greatest year of learning for me.... about so many facets of me, of so many facets of life. I continue to learn, but not at the speed I did for that year. There is a peaceful balance now between learning and putting into practice what I learned. Life has calmed down once again and I am able to take it day by day for the most part. When I feel something building to a frenzy, I fall back on the many lessons learned on the path to recovery.

Life in recovery... even fighting our addictions, becomes routine and calm again. For me, the fight against addiction has become like a ..... maybe like a necessary courtesy to my body. I deal with it the same qas I deal with brushing my teeth... it is a part of my everyday routine.

Keep growing, Sweetpea. Keep the reflection a part of your daily life. It is one of the greatest tools we have.

Hugs
reach
 
Hello my dear friend :)

I agree with Jolo - HALT - If you take care of these four things, you will kick relapse's butt!

I'm proud of you!

emsmom

XOXO
 
:wave:nice post secrets. we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it 1 of the 12 promises. the thoughest 1 for me is situations which used too baffle us , an i was an so much at peace with your post your doing so good , an your so careing, i have a friend of my visiting this week end an he drinks beer , for some reason it does not bother me if i wanted to drink the store is just down the street , we have choices today an we choose to do the next right thing , now this does not meen that i can go out an hang at the bar , they said hang out in the barber shop long enough an i will get a hair cut. you have been so helpful to me an others, its absolutely awsome, you are a miracle, an you get to be apart an see lots of miracles .you are in your worRAB a beutiful person , you have such a big heart . i love your inthuseasam. your positive additude is wonder , god has plans for you , just a personal thought .we dont give up on them we just let them go. an hope that they return , an be glad its not us , i do struuggle with those that leave us that baffling thing , but they told me to move on to those that realy want it , an if i dont i could be depriving some one else that neeRAB help . you are so cool :):wave:
 
my sponcer told me my mind is a bad place to be on most days . your so right about the rollercoaster ride in recovery . it does evan out at times . i like to call it the AA beam an you have read my posts an know that sturableing on the beam can be a bish . pray for the hockey game in your head to stop . it works , when they told me pray for the ossesion to drink an drug to be removed. i just say take it from me god i just cant hanndle it. kinda like it says in the book. i dont know on what day it happened but i woke up one day realized i had not thought about a drink in a few days . then i used the same prayer for my mind raceing WOW it worked too . i started buying in to what the program offerd. an it only cost $1.00 per session . if i have it otherwise its free . they told me get a job . i started out greeting making coffey . treasurer of the group . they told or suggested to me that i need to give back what was so freely given to me. i am now a bookie for my group . so jump in get your feet wet. stay right in the middle of the pack . oh say take a pack of wildabeasts if i stay in the middle of the pack i got a better chance than the one who hangs out on the outskirts as they tend to often get snached up by the lion . i offten tell my frienRAB that if i get away from the service work to give me a swift kick in the rear end . this saturday night me an four frienRAB will carry the message to another meeting. i have got to know alot of people in the newengland area . its nice . keep doing the right thing kid . its going to get alot better , i am so happy for you:p hah ha ha scott.oh i also encourage you too share at open mettings , shareing is very important to our program . not shareing puts us on the outskirts . an we will allways do more listening then shareing. god i love the abiltey to listen . when i was active listening was imcomprehenceable.oh one more suggestion get lots of female phone nurabers its the men with the men an the women with the women. oh an stop the people pleaseing. its ok to be just nice. they told me if i put half the effort in my recovery that i put into drinking an druging, i would be sucessful today . somtimes i dont know how i had the time to party . it was a full time job, but it can side swipe us when we least expect it wham you know. i went 4+ years with fleeting glimces. an wham. but it has past thank god . when any one any where reaches out for help i want the hand of AA always to be there an for that i am RESPONSIBLE . or na the sister program , an i will go on to say what ever works for you as i dont want to be a preacher. god bless to all that read this forum an reach out an touch somebody .........
 
Thank you so much ladies for your reply!!!!

Emsmom, Some how you always find a way to give me a new perspective on things! Thank you so much for that. I like what you said about me having "reasons" for not doing certain things versus "excuses". Thank you for saying that. It makes me feel less pressure and that helps a lot because the last thing I need to put on myself is more pressure. I say that because I feel like I have a lot to be proud of and I for once want to just let myself be happy for a minute without ruining it for myself by putting myself down. I also want to thank you for saying that you will support anything I decide to do as long as I don't decide to use again. I appreciate that because I don't want to feel I have dissapointed anyone on here because I have not found the strength to be open about my addiction with my family. You have such a good heart and anyone can see that on this board which means your family is incredibly blessed to have you.

Reach, first off I wanted to tell you that in no way did I take anything you said as a lecture! I understand that you share your experiences and the lessons you have learned and for that I feel nothing but thankful. What you said about being a people pleaser is TRUE! It is a selfish behavior and an arrogant one too and I never thought of it that way until you pointed it out but you are right!!!! People will get by and will not die by any means without my assistance or opinions and I guess it was arrogant of me to think that way! Obviously, I will not turn my back on doing the right thing but I think what you said will help me better understand the difference between doing the right thing and doing something for someone else to try to make myself feel or look better by doing it. I appreciate you sharing that with me. I need to REALLY try to find a way to make myself happy instead of relying on everyone else to fulfill that for me. That is my NUrabER ONE thing I need to work on. I was happy to hear that a lot of the things I said and felt were similar to your experiences because it gives me a lot of hope to know someone else felt like this at different points in their life and they have successfully maintained sobriety so then SO CAN I! Like Emsmom said.. I need to start learning how to trust and believe in myself again. One thing I can promise you is that I will continue to keep reflecting and knowing me all of you on here will hear all about it!! hahaha

Really, thank you both so much for sharing your knowledge and support with me. It feels good to know others care and since I am not letting my family help me thru this I feel very blessed that you are here to lend a hand! I will be forever indebted to you!

With Love,
 
Hello Secrets :)
Oh my god i am with you all the way on this!!! Everyday is a roller coaster ride for me also. Im trying to get comfortable with the person i really am too. Its hard to do when you dont know who you really are anymore :dizzy:
You have awesome insight and you put it in a way which makes sense to me.
Im sorry my brain isn't working very well today. lack of sleep again.
Im glad to hear that you are doing well :D
Big big hugs Rach xoxox
 
Hello my friend,

You have come such a long way and I'm proud of you! The feelings you're experiencing can last up to a year (after detox/taper). Yes, one whole year. Something you may want to consider, since you don't go to NA meetings - search for an addictions counsellor. I don't go to meetings. I used to, however it didn't work for me. NA isn't for everyone. I still see and talk to my sponsor and he is there for me all the time. I do have a councellor whom I see four times a week. Also, I have an addictions doctor I see once or twice a week. You can let out all those thoughts/feelings to a professional and continue to protect yourself :)

Now, NA is always a great choice as you have people EVERY day who have gone through the same thing you have. Is that an option for you? I think I remeraber reading you don't want to go cause there would be people there who'd recognize you - I may be wrong. Maybe it was someone else. Nonetheless, ultimately the decision is yours! This board is wonderful and I can see it has helped you in SO many ways, however person-to-person contact is great too. Is counselling an option for you?

Whatever you decide, just know I admire your strength and determination. I hope all is well with you. Have a great day, hope to hear from you soon.

emsmom
 
Hey guys!

It makes sense to me! A person does really need to put themselves first during recovery and I have not done the best at doing so. I seem to work longer hours than I should. Make too many plans in our social life with family and frienRAB.... in turn, I am exhausted and craving.....

Gives me a lot to think about. I have to work late again tonight but only till 7 but tomorrow I am out of here at 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bottom line. This weekend however, we have plans both saturday and sunday! Being Mother's day and all... I couldn't help it!! hahahaha

Hope everyone is doing great!
XOXOXOX
 
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