It's been a while since I had a chance to do a real big rant.
So here I am. I'm 18 years old, barely out of high school(which I barely passed) and supposed to face this real world. I don't want to face this real world. I forgot to plan ahead for this shit. This world doesn't want me. I've learned this already. Fuck, I don't know shit. If I knew shit, I'd be something, right? I'd be happy like everyone else at some dumb college campus and it wouldn't matter that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life because I'd be in COLLEGE! WOW! What a bunch of fucking winners those kids are! You can ask them where to get alcohol if you're under 21 and they'll answer in a heart beat, but if you ask them where they want to be in five years, they'll say some shit about how they want to study fucking psychology or business some dumb shit like that. A major that isn't shit beyond a fucking piece of paper because these dumb cockfucks have no god damn sense of who they are because they are NOTHING. WORTHLESS PILES OF SHIT. Fucking god damnit. School means so much to you...it's your fear. Get a fucking job, then maybe you'll know what you want to be...something other than a pile of shit.
For a long time, I'd given up on women. About five months or so, I was browsing around the chat channels again and start talking to this girl...blah blah blah. "What a waste of life" I thought, just like all the rest of them. Another fucking screen name I'd see once in my life then forget right away. It didn't happen that way though...she kept talking to me, and I guess I didn't mind. Eventually it also moved to the phone. She tells me some shit one day about her past and about...well, things. I guess her dad's in a wheelchair now after some car accident and he's a pissed off guy, she got raped when she was 15, blah blah. At this point I looked at her in a different light...not so much because these things happened but because I'd been searching for a reason to legitimately be angry at everyone and here was someone who had it and didn't get angry at people. I guess it's different reactions or something, who knows. Anyway, I keep talking, then one night I had been on the phone with her and she starts crying and then proceeds to cut herself over the phone. Crying loudly, saying this crap like "Nobody can ever love me" etc. At this point, I had just come back from a show, and had been awake for more than 19 hours on only five hours of sleep with a minimal caffeine intake at most. The first thing on my mind is "If this fucking girl dies on the phone with me, I might get sued or something" so I'm trying to calm her down...and then I tell her I love her. I knew it was a lie when I said it. I felt a little nauseous. But she told me she loved me too before I left...I couldn't tell if it was because she meant it or felt bad for me or was so desperate for love she would have taken anything or what, but there it was. So I guess we both loved each other. As time passed, we kept talking and I'm not sure if I actually did grow to love her, if she filled some gap in my meaningless post-school existence, if I felt too bad to let her go because I thought she would try and kill herself again...but man, I didn't agree with some of the shit she did. This fucking alcoholic. Got drunk and called me occasionally. Well, that's great. Nice to know you're an "honest" drunk and that you love me sooooo much but I don't want to hear it. Not wanting to make fun of her eventually caused me to pick up drinking for the first time and now I'm not sure if that was the best decision, but I guess it's taught me to not be so pissy about it...but man. When this girl tells me after being sick that she's had a lot of time to think and doesn't think she knows what real love is...I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK". I should have realized this from the start, obviously she doesn't know. She was desperate. Desperate blah blah blah. She would have claimed love for any guy who would listen her. So now here I am, the one feeling dumped after I had no real interest in this person whatsoever at the start, and when she called me again at some point after, I started getting pissy. I wrote all this shit and she probably figured out I was mad at her. By the way, if anyone wants to know, this was why I was so mad when I made my return. Dealing with this fucking girl...god damnit. But it got to a boiling point and I had done a lot of thinking and wasn't sure if what I experienced was love at all and thought I had it figured out. I couldn't be mad at her because I did do some learning in her presence...and that's what I was and I felt bad about it. So I ended up calling her last night to tell her all this shit that I had been thinking about(mainly in the last couple days) and I ended up crying towards the end and then just letting her go feeling like I'd said all I could. You know what? Now I'll probably never talk to her again anyway. I can't decide whether I want to give this girl a big hug or a gun shot to the head. So fuck the whole thing. Some people are best left forgotten. The memories don't haunt me so much like they used to, but I can't decide what my future is with this person. Do I go on and try to be her friend, or do I stop talking to her? Hell, it's not like I'm going to go out of my way to try and talk to her, and she wouldn't do the same for me either because she doesn't give a fuck about me...at least I don't think so. So forget it. I'm not going to bother with any of this shit.
It leaves me with other things...I did meet another girl not too long ago in the same way...I really do like her. I just wish she was around more. I feel I can relate to her not just on an emotional level, but also on an intellectual level and she doesn't try to make her problems(which she does have some, of course) the forefront of her identity like the girl I mentioned in the large paragraph above. But she comes home from work and either ends up falling asleep or just reading. I do call her occasionally, but I don't try it often because this girl has the sleeping habits of a cat. Sleep for 12 hours or something, wake up for a few, then fall back asleep for 29058381508401 more hours. But hell...I've been thinking about just packing up my shit and hitting the road. Going out and adventuring, seeing things. I had wanted to do it alone, but I know that there's a girl sitting there that I can relate to a lot who doesn't like where she lives and wants to get away...who has no major obligations either besides a job which could be left any day.
...
If it was warmer, I would have quit my job by now and just left...now I have to wait for this cold winter to go by...
I often think life is not for me. I know enough to stay away from things that will have obvious detrimental effects, but I don't respect myself or like myself enough to do anything that will make me better. I can't go to school. I got tested for and diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome last winter...I know I could go on an IEP, but that would be a waste of time, I think. I'm not going to give my money or time to some asshole professor sitting in a room preaching about shit like we actually care because he cares about nothing but his check, doesn't give a fuck about the students, whether we pass or fail, show up or not, live or die. Fuck all of them. If I'm going to get a job worth giving a shit about, I'll get an apprenticeship. That way I can form a relationship with whoever I'm learning from and I'll care about showing up because I don't want to waste said person's time.
So what made me this way? I don't know. There seemed to be no huge catastrophic event in my life that fucked me in the head. My mom can be unreasonable sometimes...unwilling to see the viewpoints of others. My dad...well, I don't really think anything of him, he's just kind of there. My sister is a little cunt bitch who goes out of her way to disagree with everything I say and for all I care, she could go get killed and I wouldn't shed a tear. I think it's just a gradual trend of people I know throughout life hating me for the most part...or growing to hate me later. Having an undiagnosed behavioral disorder sure didn't help anything. I don't want to go on medication for it because it could compromise who I am...but is it the only option? Or is it possible for people to accept that if I'm talking to them, there's a good chance I'm going to get overexcited and make a weird noise or show strong emotions? I get really really happy and hyperactive when I'm in a good mood...when I'm in a bad mood, the words cut deep like a butcher knife. I've been going to my counselor again and I talk to him about things...probably not at as deep a level as I could. It's a start though. It'll get me somewhere eventually...
By the way, if you read all of this...just...wow. I wouldn't have been able to. I guess I just can't bring myself to care about anything, and because you can, you're clearly better than me. So thanks.
So here I am. I'm 18 years old, barely out of high school(which I barely passed) and supposed to face this real world. I don't want to face this real world. I forgot to plan ahead for this shit. This world doesn't want me. I've learned this already. Fuck, I don't know shit. If I knew shit, I'd be something, right? I'd be happy like everyone else at some dumb college campus and it wouldn't matter that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life because I'd be in COLLEGE! WOW! What a bunch of fucking winners those kids are! You can ask them where to get alcohol if you're under 21 and they'll answer in a heart beat, but if you ask them where they want to be in five years, they'll say some shit about how they want to study fucking psychology or business some dumb shit like that. A major that isn't shit beyond a fucking piece of paper because these dumb cockfucks have no god damn sense of who they are because they are NOTHING. WORTHLESS PILES OF SHIT. Fucking god damnit. School means so much to you...it's your fear. Get a fucking job, then maybe you'll know what you want to be...something other than a pile of shit.
For a long time, I'd given up on women. About five months or so, I was browsing around the chat channels again and start talking to this girl...blah blah blah. "What a waste of life" I thought, just like all the rest of them. Another fucking screen name I'd see once in my life then forget right away. It didn't happen that way though...she kept talking to me, and I guess I didn't mind. Eventually it also moved to the phone. She tells me some shit one day about her past and about...well, things. I guess her dad's in a wheelchair now after some car accident and he's a pissed off guy, she got raped when she was 15, blah blah. At this point I looked at her in a different light...not so much because these things happened but because I'd been searching for a reason to legitimately be angry at everyone and here was someone who had it and didn't get angry at people. I guess it's different reactions or something, who knows. Anyway, I keep talking, then one night I had been on the phone with her and she starts crying and then proceeds to cut herself over the phone. Crying loudly, saying this crap like "Nobody can ever love me" etc. At this point, I had just come back from a show, and had been awake for more than 19 hours on only five hours of sleep with a minimal caffeine intake at most. The first thing on my mind is "If this fucking girl dies on the phone with me, I might get sued or something" so I'm trying to calm her down...and then I tell her I love her. I knew it was a lie when I said it. I felt a little nauseous. But she told me she loved me too before I left...I couldn't tell if it was because she meant it or felt bad for me or was so desperate for love she would have taken anything or what, but there it was. So I guess we both loved each other. As time passed, we kept talking and I'm not sure if I actually did grow to love her, if she filled some gap in my meaningless post-school existence, if I felt too bad to let her go because I thought she would try and kill herself again...but man, I didn't agree with some of the shit she did. This fucking alcoholic. Got drunk and called me occasionally. Well, that's great. Nice to know you're an "honest" drunk and that you love me sooooo much but I don't want to hear it. Not wanting to make fun of her eventually caused me to pick up drinking for the first time and now I'm not sure if that was the best decision, but I guess it's taught me to not be so pissy about it...but man. When this girl tells me after being sick that she's had a lot of time to think and doesn't think she knows what real love is...I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK". I should have realized this from the start, obviously she doesn't know. She was desperate. Desperate blah blah blah. She would have claimed love for any guy who would listen her. So now here I am, the one feeling dumped after I had no real interest in this person whatsoever at the start, and when she called me again at some point after, I started getting pissy. I wrote all this shit and she probably figured out I was mad at her. By the way, if anyone wants to know, this was why I was so mad when I made my return. Dealing with this fucking girl...god damnit. But it got to a boiling point and I had done a lot of thinking and wasn't sure if what I experienced was love at all and thought I had it figured out. I couldn't be mad at her because I did do some learning in her presence...and that's what I was and I felt bad about it. So I ended up calling her last night to tell her all this shit that I had been thinking about(mainly in the last couple days) and I ended up crying towards the end and then just letting her go feeling like I'd said all I could. You know what? Now I'll probably never talk to her again anyway. I can't decide whether I want to give this girl a big hug or a gun shot to the head. So fuck the whole thing. Some people are best left forgotten. The memories don't haunt me so much like they used to, but I can't decide what my future is with this person. Do I go on and try to be her friend, or do I stop talking to her? Hell, it's not like I'm going to go out of my way to try and talk to her, and she wouldn't do the same for me either because she doesn't give a fuck about me...at least I don't think so. So forget it. I'm not going to bother with any of this shit.
It leaves me with other things...I did meet another girl not too long ago in the same way...I really do like her. I just wish she was around more. I feel I can relate to her not just on an emotional level, but also on an intellectual level and she doesn't try to make her problems(which she does have some, of course) the forefront of her identity like the girl I mentioned in the large paragraph above. But she comes home from work and either ends up falling asleep or just reading. I do call her occasionally, but I don't try it often because this girl has the sleeping habits of a cat. Sleep for 12 hours or something, wake up for a few, then fall back asleep for 29058381508401 more hours. But hell...I've been thinking about just packing up my shit and hitting the road. Going out and adventuring, seeing things. I had wanted to do it alone, but I know that there's a girl sitting there that I can relate to a lot who doesn't like where she lives and wants to get away...who has no major obligations either besides a job which could be left any day.
...
If it was warmer, I would have quit my job by now and just left...now I have to wait for this cold winter to go by...
I often think life is not for me. I know enough to stay away from things that will have obvious detrimental effects, but I don't respect myself or like myself enough to do anything that will make me better. I can't go to school. I got tested for and diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome last winter...I know I could go on an IEP, but that would be a waste of time, I think. I'm not going to give my money or time to some asshole professor sitting in a room preaching about shit like we actually care because he cares about nothing but his check, doesn't give a fuck about the students, whether we pass or fail, show up or not, live or die. Fuck all of them. If I'm going to get a job worth giving a shit about, I'll get an apprenticeship. That way I can form a relationship with whoever I'm learning from and I'll care about showing up because I don't want to waste said person's time.
So what made me this way? I don't know. There seemed to be no huge catastrophic event in my life that fucked me in the head. My mom can be unreasonable sometimes...unwilling to see the viewpoints of others. My dad...well, I don't really think anything of him, he's just kind of there. My sister is a little cunt bitch who goes out of her way to disagree with everything I say and for all I care, she could go get killed and I wouldn't shed a tear. I think it's just a gradual trend of people I know throughout life hating me for the most part...or growing to hate me later. Having an undiagnosed behavioral disorder sure didn't help anything. I don't want to go on medication for it because it could compromise who I am...but is it the only option? Or is it possible for people to accept that if I'm talking to them, there's a good chance I'm going to get overexcited and make a weird noise or show strong emotions? I get really really happy and hyperactive when I'm in a good mood...when I'm in a bad mood, the words cut deep like a butcher knife. I've been going to my counselor again and I talk to him about things...probably not at as deep a level as I could. It's a start though. It'll get me somewhere eventually...
By the way, if you read all of this...just...wow. I wouldn't have been able to. I guess I just can't bring myself to care about anything, and because you can, you're clearly better than me. So thanks.
but i'm literate enough to hold my own in all social settings and have my own business and married a partner in a law firm.. so what? well i left school at 15, the youngest legal age in england. i graduated and was off like a shot.. some people weren't meant for further education. you might be one of them.
...