So i don't like to write very often, i pretty much never write. But this week i felt like writing and this is what i came up with.
"In an instant, a tremendous bang echoed throughout the cafe. My vision turned white, and immediately the chatter and bustle of the cafe turned into a high-pitched ringing. I felt myself being violently thrown towards the wall I was facing away from. My back hit the wall, and then my head, hitting the wall in a whiplash motion. I collapsed onto the floor, and clutched the back of my head with both my hands in a primal, instinctive reaction. My eyelids were squeezed shut by the pain, and I rolled onto my side in a fetal position, in agony. My vision recovered. The entire cafe was now quite dark, and the only light that came in was the evening light creeping through the now-shattered windows. The cafe was now blanketed in a thick fog of gray smoke. The floors, the furniture, and the bodies laying on the ground were all covered with a whitish ash. My hearing also recovered, and the first thing I heard was the deafening cacophony of the car alarms outside. There must have been at least half a dozen car alarms ringing, all completely overpowering my sense of hearing. I was completely dumbstruck; unable to comprehend what had just happened…."
What do you think? is it too obscure? to specific? Too wordy or not wordy enough? Can you easily tell what's going on?
"In an instant, a tremendous bang echoed throughout the cafe. My vision turned white, and immediately the chatter and bustle of the cafe turned into a high-pitched ringing. I felt myself being violently thrown towards the wall I was facing away from. My back hit the wall, and then my head, hitting the wall in a whiplash motion. I collapsed onto the floor, and clutched the back of my head with both my hands in a primal, instinctive reaction. My eyelids were squeezed shut by the pain, and I rolled onto my side in a fetal position, in agony. My vision recovered. The entire cafe was now quite dark, and the only light that came in was the evening light creeping through the now-shattered windows. The cafe was now blanketed in a thick fog of gray smoke. The floors, the furniture, and the bodies laying on the ground were all covered with a whitish ash. My hearing also recovered, and the first thing I heard was the deafening cacophony of the car alarms outside. There must have been at least half a dozen car alarms ringing, all completely overpowering my sense of hearing. I was completely dumbstruck; unable to comprehend what had just happened…."
What do you think? is it too obscure? to specific? Too wordy or not wordy enough? Can you easily tell what's going on?