It gets cold with the windows down in December
in a car in Northern Missouri.
The night before we were all very happy
and laughing.
I had the Rock Shrimp, all you can eat,
they had the roast beef.
I was 16 and hungry.
They lost money that night.
When I woke up on the floor of a Motel
my mother and sister standing over me
yelling things that mothers and sisters yell,
I stood up and grabbed my stuff and said
"I'm ready."
I remember thinking how happy I was
wearing old red sweat pants with holes in the knee
and my mother saying I couldn’t get out of the car
looking like that and I said I would pee in a cup
and she said she did not care.
Straight north on 35E, St.Paul, MN,
too many miles away and around eight hours to go.
About two hours into it I woke from a nap
and felt something ugly and dire in my guts.
My sister asked if I was awake and I said yes
and they pulled into a Rest Area because
women pee a lot.
I waited and started to get out
because of the ugliness inside
but they were quick and I settled into the back seat
of that dirty gray Ford Escort again.
Another mile up the road was all it took.
I knew Hell was going to pay mommy
and big sister a little visit, soon.
I pushed lightly to confirm the non-solidity
and then unleashed a bomb.
It was well received at first
a lot of oh my goshes
and you’re terribles
and the windows came down and I heard “It’s cold!”
and we all became quiet.
For the next 5
yes five
5 hours
everything changed.
I must have farted 200 or 250 times
yes
two hundred and fifty
and each time was progressively worse
than the last.
They said they were going to leave the windows down
so I would freeze but I had my thick red sweats
and a sleeping bag.
They said please stop
they said how can this be happening.
They said they were going to pull over
so I could crap.
They said please, don’t do it
anymore.
They said I was not their brother
Anymore
or their son.
They professed their outright hatred for me.
They said I was going to a doctor
as soon as we got home.
They said they were going to sell the Ford Escort as soon as
we got home.
They said all of this
without laughing.
My sister cried and said “Make him
stop!!”
She shouted and they argued
in the front seat and I was
the King of the Fu**cking World.
When we got home my father said
“What did you do to them??”
and I said “Rock Shrimp, dad.
Rock Shrimp.”
in a car in Northern Missouri.
The night before we were all very happy
and laughing.
I had the Rock Shrimp, all you can eat,
they had the roast beef.
I was 16 and hungry.
They lost money that night.
When I woke up on the floor of a Motel
my mother and sister standing over me
yelling things that mothers and sisters yell,
I stood up and grabbed my stuff and said
"I'm ready."
I remember thinking how happy I was
wearing old red sweat pants with holes in the knee
and my mother saying I couldn’t get out of the car
looking like that and I said I would pee in a cup
and she said she did not care.
Straight north on 35E, St.Paul, MN,
too many miles away and around eight hours to go.
About two hours into it I woke from a nap
and felt something ugly and dire in my guts.
My sister asked if I was awake and I said yes
and they pulled into a Rest Area because
women pee a lot.
I waited and started to get out
because of the ugliness inside
but they were quick and I settled into the back seat
of that dirty gray Ford Escort again.
Another mile up the road was all it took.
I knew Hell was going to pay mommy
and big sister a little visit, soon.
I pushed lightly to confirm the non-solidity
and then unleashed a bomb.
It was well received at first
a lot of oh my goshes
and you’re terribles
and the windows came down and I heard “It’s cold!”
and we all became quiet.
For the next 5
yes five
5 hours
everything changed.
I must have farted 200 or 250 times
yes
two hundred and fifty
and each time was progressively worse
than the last.
They said they were going to leave the windows down
so I would freeze but I had my thick red sweats
and a sleeping bag.
They said please stop
they said how can this be happening.
They said they were going to pull over
so I could crap.
They said please, don’t do it
anymore.
They said I was not their brother
Anymore
or their son.
They professed their outright hatred for me.
They said I was going to a doctor
as soon as we got home.
They said they were going to sell the Ford Escort as soon as
we got home.
They said all of this
without laughing.
My sister cried and said “Make him
stop!!”
She shouted and they argued
in the front seat and I was
the King of the Fu**cking World.
When we got home my father said
“What did you do to them??”
and I said “Rock Shrimp, dad.
Rock Shrimp.”