G
groovyweirdo
Guest
...agrophobic?or just weird? Ok heres my question and sort of statement and i wanna hear from all of you ok, for good or ill. Im a young man, probably supposedly somewhere around my 'peak' -29. im intelligent, always had good jobs and do have now so im by no means a 'Loser' the way some people would think it (carrer or job wise),no my loserness lies elsewhere, in not bad looking at all,i take pride in my appearance, ive had some great girlfriends, but god knows how! im so utterly overconfident and completely dont give a dam what people think of me, ive got style and great funky clothes sense (im not bigging myself up here-read on) and im like a centre of my crowd, people always ask me what im up to, invite me out and stuff and im a joker like no tomorrow, i can have the whole room crying with laughter and regularly do MAN i should be on top of the world. but,i am not. all these qualities-every one,take the complete opposite of each of them and thats me.I sometimes wonder if its all just an act,but from who,me? against me?to kid myself?! i am the positives, and the negatives. if all those people who like me really knew me they probably wouldnt like me at all,im crap.i suffer anxiety that nobody would spot,im sincerely boring- i could stay in my room for a year alone and it wouldnt mean a thing, infact, i might.i get nervous when my phone rings coz i think oh my god someone wants me to go out,or DO SOMETHING! so i dont answer.then again other nights il be in the centre, the demander of all to party!i stay in whole weekends.i dont even call girls back ive charmed bcoz i just cant be bothered with the hassle of having to make an effort.so i sit.and i sit. night after night,i dont answer my phone,im scared to go out i think,scared of social situations but even saying this now im horrified, thats not me at all,if you knew me youd be suprised to hear this.maybe it is me.what am i?i think im not right. maybe i suffer from some disorder i havent diagnosed,i read about a condition called 'mania' and boy,it was like reading my personality but what!im not gonna take meds my whole life,you take a pill to be happy/awake, and one to be calm, soon your living on pills no,this has to be done another way.i saw 'Yes man' recently- its me. but.....its not.im a total contradiction and im driving myself absolutely insane! how could i possibly manage to get through my whle life feeling like this?i wonder.il either go to jail or die somehow,or be locked away one flew over the cuckoos nest style.hah,id welcome it.i want to go and lie in a hospital for a very long time and not speak to anyone.BUT,i ALSO want to go and do everything in the world possible everything, sexual, professional,crazy, travel, love, partying!! and all in the same breath/thought!! mmmmm.and so i sit. wondering why on saturday night when i should be out.same old same old.il say no to anything. Help me humans, whats up with me? just answer please-whatever it is.